Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Ah, so purposefully reading and engaging with threads you find triggering. That would be a self inflicted injury.

Not sure why you expect OP to be more responsible for your feelings than you are.

eh? I don’t have a disabled child but I find it insensitive and possibly offensive, even though it wasn’t intentional. Just deal with it, we’re all allowed to have opinions.

Sure, who said you weren’t?

It seems rather masochistic to continue to read and engage with a thread that you find offensive, and then complain that you’re finding it offensive.

By all means suit yourself, but you’d probably be better served by sparing your own feelings, rather than by expecting others to limit their own conversations in order to do it for you.

Do you make it a habit to be offended by things that don't effect you?

@Avelin I know this thread is long, and you might not see my little voice added to the mix, but I just wanted to throw out there two things:

1- being an aunty/friend etc is absolutely valid, even NT kids don't stay little (in the craft, baking phase) for ever, and motherhood is a series of seperations, as they grow it's lovely but the challenges always change

2- one thing I would say, is that when it's your baby, you love them so much that that overrides everything, being a mum is all encompassing like that. Our family has additional needs, and even knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change it or becoming a mum, despite the challenges (but yes I am utterly knackered and broke)

one other thing to say is that this bit isn't about the DC- the system is in chaos, you spend a lot of time on the phone/email advocating for your child's needs in a system that is totally under funded, backlogged, and understaffed, with a high staff turnover. And my own career is just another plate I try to spin. If you have a job you love, motherhood is hard to juggle at the best of times, add in disability and you need more hours in the day than is humanly possible. And depending on the marriage, it might all fall to you. Mum is still default parent ime (which is fine, I am happy to do it, but the sacrafices are real, as you've seen)

I am not saying you definitively should or shouldnt become a parent, I think its sensible and realistic of you to consider evrey angle- you can have a beautiful and meaningful life with or wihtout motherhood, wishing you well whatever you decide xx

I always said I would take what I was given and love my children. I did have children with no disabilities but now I look back I realise how naive I was to the fact that caring for others can leave some feeling they have a shell of a life.
I think you are wise to give this thought, op.
Only you can make these choices. And I say only you . Not even your husband gets to make this choice about your life.

Just seen my friend post a cake after they have agreed her son is autistic. It goes "congratulations you're autistic". Not sure what to think about myself. As soon as you know your child is ND you know their life is going to be harder so I am not seeing why it is a celebration?

To be fair it is when you want your children to be perfect.

I see a lot of that crap @Coffeeandbooks88 and it irritates me. The sanitised view of a naice MC autistic child who’s quirky and hyperfocused and his unusual talents are just so amazing. I’m all for being positive about differences and disability, but that superpower bullshit is pretty offensive to the (at least) large minority of autistic people who aren’t in the “savant” category or who don’t have fawning parents blowing smoke up their arse every time they do something vaguely Sheldon-like. Autism can be brutal, cruel, distressing, disruptive and isolating - for the children and siblings impacted and their parents - and it can rob both of their mental wellbeing and all the happy times one expects in a family. Think starting school, nativity plays, sleepovers, holidays, Christmas, birthday parties, weddings….absolutely impossible for plenty of families. And yet it’s the “my Tarquin memorized every single country’s flag before his second birthday so we KNEW he was different!” crowd who seek to control the narrative around autistic children. They may mean well, but they can still fuck off.

This was one of the reasons I closed the motherhood door myself as I got older. The risk increases exponentially and I would not want to raise a child with extreme SEN or other disabilities.

Agree, all you see on TV programmes are cute babies and toddlers with Down Syndrome, or gentle NT people in wheelchairs who are living a full life despite their disability.

In real life I know a family whose daughter, at age 7, doesn’t know her own name, can’t speak, doesn’t sleep more than 4 hours a night, is violent and physically the size of a 10 year old. I don’t know them well enough to talk about it in depth but they look absolutely exhausted and I can’t imagine the cumulative effect of living life like that for years and years.

Heart wrenchingly sad although I bet if they were asked to give her up for adoption tomorrow the answer would be no 🤔

Not quite sure of the point you're trying to make here?

There’s a difference between giving up for adoption so never seeing your child again and the option of putting a child in residential care or similar. I think you’d be surprised at how many people might say yes if they could be guaranteed their child would be well looked after but they could also visit whenever they wanted. Unfortunately good residential places are incredibly hard to come by and parents would worry in case their child wasn’t well looked after. No one is saying parents of disabled children don’t love them and would rather they disappeared from their life forever. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t exhausted and would rather there was another option than just 24 hours a day care with no respite.

@gamerchick It's self explanatory. People are assuming families with a disabled child exist in a living hell yet if asked to part with them the vast majority would say no. I have met parents with severely disabled children who resent being pittied or to be assumed to be living a life of drudgery. Life brings them challenges but the love they have for their children far outweighs the problems encountered.

Totally agree with this. There should definitely be more residential care places & respite for carers, both sadly lacking.

But there's a huge difference between loving your children and not wanting to give them up for adoption, and not wanting that life to begin with.

Lots of people make the most of the situations they find themselves in, but that doesn't mean they'd choose those situations again, given the chance.