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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

542 replies

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:01

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

OP posts:
StripedTee · 07/02/2026 17:43

BurnoutGP · 07/02/2026 15:13

What would you do then if you had a healthy child who them got disabled...illness/accident/cancer....would you stop loving them/give them away? Best you don't have children. I think the word you're looking for is eugenics.

Show quote history

Given the choice, would you actively choose for your child to be severely disabled? I can't imagine you would.

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 17:43

StarMumMiranda · 07/02/2026 16:14

@FruitSaladYummyYummyFruitSaladYummyYummy my friend's life IS devastated. However much she loves her dc with multiple complex needs including non verbal autism etc (and she loves him fully and unconditionally, of course) her life has been devastated,

She has PTSD. (properly diagnosed) . She has had a broken orbital fracture and numerous black eyes and had to get protective clothing - I think kick boxing kit or similar to protect herself. Her career has gone, her younger children were put on some sort of child protection register because they were at risk physically and emotionally, and one lost years of schooling due to disruption. Her marriage failed (this is common - lots of men really can't cope, or the stress exposes differences in feelings etc) . She has had no social life or holidays (except visits for a coffee from friends like me). She deals with faeces everywhere. Or did until her Dc was finally, after years of struggle, granted residential care in a suitable home.

Am I supposed to say to her 'Well your life may have devastated you but it wouldn't devastate me'? That would be pretty damn insulting!

She loves her Dc. I am as fond of her Dc as I am of any other friend's Dc. But she would be the first to say her life is devastated - and you are saying she shouldn't say that? Or that I shouldn't acknowledge that?

Hah! For all I know the OP could be talking about my friend.

Yeah I wouldn't be able to cope with that at all. Your poor friend. This sounds like a living nightmare.

AngelinaFibres · 07/02/2026 17:44

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:12

I would love to be a mother (to healthy children). I know I shouldn’t admit the bit in brackets but it’s how I feel. I do feel ashamed to state that.

I’m not trying to be rude to anyone with kids that have additional needs.

it seems bonkers just to roll the dice knowing that it may not work out how I’d hope.

Edited

You could have an entirely perfect pregnancy and a baby who is perfect until it goes through the birth process and dies or is massively damaged due to poor care. You could be like Jesy Nelson or Samantha Cameron ( wife of PM David and from a hugely privileged background) who gave birth to 3 ' perfect' babies between them who all started to show signs of serious conditions a few days after they were born.The Camerons son was hugely disabled and died aged 6. It doesn't matter who you are ,how much money you have , how well you eat, how much yoga you do. As soon as you become pregnant you are a hostage to fortune. Neither of my brothers had children because they couldn't cope with the chance that their children would have problems. My mother always said ' well you get what you're given and you just have to get on with it' which is harsh but absolutely true.

Shrinkhole · 07/02/2026 17:44

Jumimo · 07/02/2026 17:32

And I DID have the screening tests so that if it did show anything I could be mentally prepared for a child with a disability. Not having the tests doesn’t make you better than anyone who did, did you want a gold star?⭐️

Show quote history

Nope. Just putting forth a different view as so many people seemed to be advising having lots of screening whereas to me that doesn’t reduce risk.

Planner2026 · 07/02/2026 17:45

I completely understand how you feel. YANBU to worry. A profoundly disabled child changes everything. I’m afraid there are no easy answers.

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 17:45

thecomedyofterrors · 07/02/2026 17:19

It is unusual to be this anxious about an additional needs child. It’s probably not right to ttc at the moment, but work through the realities and if you could face it.

Is it? I think most people would be anxious about having an autistic or disabled child. As PP have said, no one actively sorts out or wants this kind of life for themselves or a child, do they?

Rasperry · 07/02/2026 17:45

tinyspiny · 07/02/2026 17:20

You shouldn’t have children , even if you give birth to perfectly healthy children all manner of things can mean you end up as carer to an older child / adult child .

You can have a perfectly healthy baby and something can go wrong during birth causing brain injury, or cords. Life is unpredictable, any number of illnesses accidents could happen.

When you choose to have a child, you need to accept that level of responsibility, whether they’re born healthy or not.

Rachie1973 · 07/02/2026 17:47

SemiSober · 07/02/2026 14:14

‘I would be absolutely devastated’ is rude. It isn’t your life at present so you don’t need to worry or have an opinion on it.

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I don’t think it is rude. I think it’s wise to question your own limitations before you start. Let’s be fair we all love our children and wouldn’t be without them but if someone could have waved a magic wand and made my incredibly difficult son into a NT version of himself I’d have accepted in a heartbeat.

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 07/02/2026 17:47

99pwithaflake · 07/02/2026 15:23

No, it's not. It's a perfectly okay thing to think.

Nobody WANTS their child to be disabled or have additional needs.

Show quote history

Exactly. Not unreasonable at all.

Shrinkhole · 07/02/2026 17:47

To me it’s false reassurance because there’s so much you can’t test or prepare for.
I’ll take the star anyway though. I like shiny stuff

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 07/02/2026 17:48

RhaenysRocks · 07/02/2026 14:08

I think you're very honest to post that and think you probably shouldn't roll the dice and have one if that's how you feel. More people are opting to be child free, it's not the given it once was.

I agree with this…..you’re not wrong in saying what you can and can’t cope with..x

CautiousLurker2 · 07/02/2026 17:48

Sartre · 07/02/2026 17:35

I’d say don’t have children then, it’s probably for the best. Of all the problems a child can go through (severe physical disabilities, cancer, learning difficulties such as Down’s syndrome etc), autism is probably the least concern for me. Also, when you lose babies through miscarriage, you actually just don’t care that your child has autism because at least they’re alive.

I mean it in the kindest way, I’m not being flippant. Autism is a massive spectrum, many children have it and totally thrive, it isn’t the end of the world. If this is something you seriously can’t see yourself dealing with, you’re probably best remaining childless.

I wonder whether this is why I am relaxed about my children having AuDHD, even though my eldest has significant MH challenges arising from it and life has been hard. I had 5 miscarriages between my children and was just so grateful to have two live, healthy babies after all the trying. Plus, whilst one of my half siblings has a presentation of ASD that means he won’t be able to hold down a job and live independently, every other ASD member of our extended family (there are lots of us) all muddle along fine - degrees, good jobs and life partners who love us regardless of our sometimes challenging behaviours/quirks. Our lives aren’t easy, but neither are the lives of many other people I know who are NT - work, family, children, money all present issues that impact everyone.

NeverSeenThatColourBlue · 07/02/2026 17:48

I don't think it's an unreasonable worry but the only way to avoid it is to adopt a child without additional needs (not easy as adoption in itself causes trauma which leads to additional needs) or not have children.

I don't think it's insensitive. My friend has two children and the second has severe complex needs. She openly admits that whilst she loves them both she would have stopped at one of she'd known the problems the younger was going to have, not least because the older child has suffered so much because of it.

umberellaonesie · 07/02/2026 17:50

I get this and have a child with a chronic life limiting condition.
I am sorry when friends and family have children with additional needs because I know how hard life is as a parent of a child with additional needs.
I don't regret or resent my own situation it is my life and I love my family.
The reality is there is no way to know what you are going to get. You can screen for known things but there are no guarantees. I don't think being concerned about it because of your experience of seeing the challenges your cousin and her children face is a bad thing.
You either make peace with taking the risk or don't.
There is also no guarantee with adoption somethings don't come to light until children grow, develop.

Theonebutnotonly · 07/02/2026 17:50

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:42

Dh and I never discussed having a child free marriage. We always agreed even if we couldn’t conceive we would adopt. Dh is very much wanting to be a dad. He’s great with kids. Everyone’s favourite uncle.

With regard to adoption, bear in mind that these days many, perhaps most, children put up for adoption have difficulties of various kinds, often emotional problems that can make their behaviour difficult now or later. They are likely to have had negative early experiences that will have left a mark. This isn’t always the case, of course, but the days when couples could always adopt a perfect newborn baby (usually because it was illegitimate) are long over.

I have one set of friends who adopted a child who has been no trouble at all and brought them huge joy, and another friend who, with her DH, adopted a young child who turned out to have such severe emotional and behavioural difficulties, including violence against her, that her marriage suffered and eventually broke up.

Being human carries risks.

MaddieJo22 · 07/02/2026 17:51

BookArt55 · 07/02/2026 14:41

Both my children have medical issues. My daughter has over 20 allergies, my son has a lifelong condition and what is associated with it, and adhd. I see them as absolutely perfect in every way and love them endlessly. My son is my oldest and despite everything that he has to deal with, and how I support him, I never had any doubts about wanting a second and didn't even consider if she would need extra support. When she went on to have over 20 allergies, I just got on with it.
I chose to bring those two amazing kids into the world, they are perfect and my job is to raise them and support them in every way. Medically or otherwise.
I think, as a potential parent, with some very strong views, then it is time to discuss with your partner honestly and maybe discuss in counselling. Is it just the health side, or are there other concerns with being a parent? You need to work through that. Because honestly, your worry in your post is about your needs and not about your potential child's struggles. You have to be selfless as a parent, it isn't all Arts and crafts. Maybe being an amazing aunty is your thing!

Offering a different perspective. I'm disabled. My disability statistically increases my chance of having a disabled child. I don't want that - not for me, I could cope - but for a child. As I've lived it and it is a really hard life. Sometimes the most selfless thing is denying yourself what you want the most.

TheIceBear · 07/02/2026 17:51

I know of a family who has five children who are all adults now. One of the kids in the family has no special needs and has created endless hassle for the family and has been in and out of prison several times.
The rest of the family are all very settled and have jobs (one of them is a policeman) and have had no issues at all and this includes a child with Down syndrome who the siblings are mad about. I guess the point is you don’t know what is ahead of you regardless.

Lotange · 07/02/2026 17:52

OP I get what you are saying. My adult daughter has a serious boyfriend. He has several people with autism in the family. I admit it’s crossed my mind that she may end up with an autistic child. The number of threads on here about the challenges are quite alarming. Articulate and loving parents describing violence, faecal smearing etc, it’s pretty off-putting. I won’t say anything to my daughter but yes it worries me.

And of course it’s fine to say this anonymously here. You sound like a caring and loving person. I wish I had the answers for you.

Shittyhouse · 07/02/2026 17:54

99pwithaflake · 07/02/2026 16:52

I'm autistic too and totally agree with you. I'm not sterilised but I wouldn't want a any child to experience what I have.

Show quote history

I’m not autistic, but I’ve had other health problems since birth, and I agree with you. I had a child when I was very young and thoughtless. Luckily, he is okay, but when I realised that another child could have health issues like mine, I decided that one was enough.

InterIgnis · 07/02/2026 17:56

Shrinkhole · 07/02/2026 17:44

Nope. Just putting forth a different view as so many people seemed to be advising having lots of screening whereas to me that doesn’t reduce risk.

Show quote history

Well, it does reduce risk in that it provides an answer as to whether not certain conditions are present, and allows for decisions to be made based on that knowledge.

That you can’t control everything does not mean you have to accept controlling nothing.

TheBlueKoala · 07/02/2026 17:56

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:12

I would love to be a mother (to healthy children). I know I shouldn’t admit the bit in brackets but it’s how I feel. I do feel ashamed to state that.

I’m not trying to be rude to anyone with kids that have additional needs.

it seems bonkers just to roll the dice knowing that it may not work out how I’d hope.

Edited

NOONE wants a disabled child- noone! I didn't and yet I had one (1 out of 2) autistic child.

AntitheticalDreamgirl · 07/02/2026 17:58

I truly think you shouldn't have kids, because those children deserve better than a mother who would be devastated to have them.

Don't get me wrong, raising children with SEND is difficult with the added advocacy, paperwork, therapies etc but my children are also the biggest joys in my life and being their parent has been my biggest privilege. I'm so glad they were born to a mother like me rather than someone like you.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/02/2026 17:59

Are you or your DH autistic? Are there any genetic issues in the family?

I think all you can do is weigh up the pros and cons have relevant testing if you can and decide then onwards if you want to run that risk. If you adopt the child will most likely have issues anyway.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/02/2026 18:00

NeedSlippersNow · 07/02/2026 14:22

I get it OP. I have kids, and this was something I was so scared of when pregnant. I knew if they’d been born with something immediately clear like Downs Syndrome, I’d have to give them up which would be incredibly painful after growing and giving birth to a little human. I’d be mourning the baby I thought I’d have.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if it was something that became apparent further down the line like severe autism. If I had other children, I could hardly let them live with someone who may be violent so I’d have to put them in care which would be hard.

I was petrified of still birth too. But ultimately I’m so glad I had children and cannot imagine life without them. The chances of things going wrong are slim. I think these fears are common but not something we say out loud in fear of judgment. But many go on to have children and all is well! I wouldn’t let it stop you having children.

Ok so chances are around 1 in 10 for some form of learning need (ASD, ADHD dyslexia, DCD). Around 1:100 for a congenital problem ( heart defect, chromosomal imbalance etc). Odds increase for all of this with age of both parents and any family history- there are no guarantees.

explanationplease · 07/02/2026 18:00

I think everyone worries about this, to some extent.