Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Then the answer is not to have a child if you would be devastated having to raise a child with disabilities.

Nothing wrong with knowing your own limits, but saying you would be devastated to live my life, and the life of many on here Is pretty insensitive. Just because you couldn't cope it doesn't mean our lives are worth being devastated over.

Its not selfish, its realistic.

Out of 9 friend/family groups with young children (under 10), 2 of the couples - both only have 2 children, and both children of both couples have additional needs.

You know your limits so don’t do that to yourself. Have a life without children.

I think you're very honest to post that and think you probably shouldn't roll the dice and have one if that's how you feel. More people are opting to be child free, it's not the given it once was.

I’m sorry for having been insensitive to you and your situation. Not at all intended.

I was going to add line in the post and say I hope no one with children that have additional needs takes offence but I thought it sounded patronising.

I wasn’t trying to be personal to anyone. I just know if I had children with needs as severe as my cousin’s children life would be incredibly difficult. And I’m not sure I’d cope.

I have a lot of admiration for people who are clearly much stronger than I am.

It's one of the many reasons I chose not to have children.

One of my children is autistic, my elder son is very reluctant to have children of his own because he “ doesn’t want one like his brother” . That hurts as I love both dearly but I have to accept that there has been a huge impact on family life because of my youngest and his brother bore the brunt of it. So, whilst I wouldn’t change either for anything, I do understand why he might feel this way.

I have two healthy children and it terrifies me to think this is something that never occurred to us before we had children. I have several friends with children with significant long-term care needs and I have total admiration for how they are so selfless, not just now but looking down the barrel of that being a life long commitment. I know you would love your children whatever but I don't think its something I could cope with. I'm not sure that helps except to say it's a possibility you should come to terms with before you decide to go ahead with having a family. It will be inspiring to see stories from people in that situation themselves.

I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me. Life can be hard before you add kids to the mix, with a disability or not!. So given your priorities, I wouldn't be having children.

This.

You are not selfish you are realistic. It’s ok to be child free

OP I am exactly the same - this is something I think about a lot and don’t feel comfortable raising with DP….

Thank you for making me feel shit about my life. Maybe you should think about how people in this situation would feel reading this post. Some things just do not need to be said.

I would love to be a mother (to healthy children). I know I shouldn’t admit the bit in brackets but it’s how I feel. I do feel ashamed to state that.

I’m not trying to be rude to anyone with kids that have additional needs.

it seems bonkers just to roll the dice knowing that it may not work out how I’d hope.

‘I would be absolutely devastated’ is rude. It isn’t your life at present so you don’t need to worry or have an opinion on it.

You're not being unreasonable being aware of this. It's one of the reasons I won't have another child. Thankfully, I have two healthy children and the thought that having another that might have a disability scares me off as I also wouldn't be able to cope nor would I want to disrupt the lives of my existing children.

I think if this is how you feel then the right decision is to not have children at all. It’s something my husband & I spoke about before we decided to have our children because the reality is that you roll the dice with any pregnancy, even if both parents are young, healthy, no known genetic conditions, even if you have all of the testing done during pregnancy, you are never guaranteed a “perfect” child in the sense you describe.

If you aren’t prepared to roll that dice and love, support & accept any child you end up having then honestly the only choice you have it to not roll the dice at all.

For what its worth I don’t think anything is insurmountable, and while yes life is more difficult or has more/different challenges raising a child with additional needs, that doesn’t mean it’s a nightmare or not worth doing.

Your chances are higher, because autism is genetic.

If you feel like this then the only answer is to not have children. Remember even a child without any congenital disabilities or developmental delays can catch an illness or have an accident that causes lifelong disability.

I would say though that you can cope with far more than you would ever think possible, and that the reward is worth it. I have a dd with asd, I’m not going to tell you life was a bed of roses but it is ok, we managed ok, she’s an independent adult now. Fear of the unknown is potentially going to prevent you having the joy

That’s why I’ve posted! I’m supposed to be coming off the pill.

I wondered if I was weird/paranoid for having these concerns.

Continue being that lovely auntie, but kindly OP I wouldn’t be encouraging you to have children.

That goes for anyone who doesn’t think they’d cope with children they’d perceive as less than perfect.

Even if said children had no additional needs they’re unlikely to turn out how you want anyway. Might hate arts and crafts!

I have a lot of admiration for people who think about the bigger picture and decide having kids isn't for them because they don't think they could cope with certain scenarios.

It is very patronising to look at someone's life and be devastated for them because its not a life you would have chose though.

If I knew how hard my life would be with special needs kids I don't think I'd have had 4 of them

You know your limitations before you’ve had children which is good. You shouldn’t have children feeling the way you do so have a life without children instead. Not everyone is capable of being a good parent and I wish more people realised that and didn’t have children.

How does your husband feel?

Of course you should be able to think about it (and to post about it on a forum with a title that people can not click on if they find it a personally challenging topic) - the world would be a better place if people did consider the range of outcomes from getting pregnant not just imagine their life will be one narrow version of family life.

I’d look at the actual statistics, consider your age and extended family genetics, and then decide whether it’s a risk you can face or not. It’s one reason why I’m stopping at one, as for me age and genes make it more likely and I felt I could give one child a happy life whether or not they had any neurodiversity or other challenges, but I don’t feel the same about a second child and the potential impact on our existing child.

Even a healthy neurotypical child could have a accident that would leave them dependent on you of course, but I think you have to sometimes just hope for an easy life and assume that you can handle what comes your way if you otherwise really want something.