Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

How is it not? It’s an offensive opinion that doesn’t need to be shared

I suspect the vast, vast majority of people alive feel the same way you do, OP.

You’re quite sensible imo. I’m autistic, dyspraxic and have other disabilities and while I have fertility issues, I decided not to pursue treatment for many reasons but the risk of having a severely disabled child was one of the biggest, especially as I’m second generation autistic so the odds that I would produce another autistic child were higher.

I’m not sure if I could cope with any child and I certainly couldn’t handle a severely disabled child. I’ve been a carer for family members 3x now and it took a huge toll on my already poor mental health. I’d care for a family member again if need be but I will not deliberately engineer a situation where that’s likely to happen. And yes I might be able to deal with a certain level of disability but it’s too much of a risk for my comfort especially as I’m not sure that I want any child or could cope with them or do them justice as a parent.

That said as you love children, I don’t, and you seem to like the idea of having one, then it may be worth the risk for you.For me it isn’t worth it. For you it may be. Only you can decide but there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your limits or wanting to maintain a less stressful life.

We didn’t have the exposure there is now, Instagram has lots of families sharing their lives which is a real eye opener.

There is a genetic element to Autism so maybe a look into the family history will help inform your decision.

OK? Thats absolutely nothing to do with what I said.

I get this is a sensitive topic but of course OP should think about the risks associated with having children including potentially having children with additional needs. This is part of responsible and mature decision making. Understanding the risks from a probability and impact perspective and assessing what this would mean to you if the risk did materialise.

A good analogy would be that we should all risk assess even getting into the car each day. This comes with inherent risks that if they materialised could leave you dead or severely injured. You might choose not to take the journey based on your perception of the risk and knowing that you would be devastated if the outcome wasn't something you wanted. This wouldn't be a comment on the lives of those that have suffered a car accident.

Parenting a gay child doesn’t have the impact on your life that a severely disabled child has though so that isn’t really comparable. It is ok for people to know they would struggle with a life where their children were disabled and needed significantly more care. The impact on your own life is huge and caring responsibilities may be life long. Parents of disabled children often have the added stress of worrying what will happen to their children when they, the parents, get ill or die.

I actually think it's important that we DO talk about the impact of raising disabled children. It's life changing and people have committed suicide through the stress of it. There was an awful case recently where two parents murdered their severely disabled children and then killed themselves.

It needs to be talked about more. Not brushed under the rug.

In choosing to have a child, you are choosing to take the risk - their ENTIRE life. They could die, become disabled, lose a limb, go blind, etc - all multitude of things. If you're not prepared to do that, then don't.

I'm autistic.

I don't think my parents felt they were dealt a bad hand.

I've got autistic children, too. I'm not devastated by this.

You're very insensitive @Avelin

This is very different to what the op is saying. She is using the example of her cousin who is exhausted looking after children who have challenging behaviour and significant disabilities. We can all understand how this makes the cousin’s life much harder than if there were no SEN issues. It will take a lot out her.

I agree OP. It’s worrying enough being a parent to a child without disabilities, but when it’s to the extent you’re referring to then there’s no normality in life with that. Sounds an absolute drudge.

I don’t think people were as worried before but the rates of disability or limitations, mentioned by teachers on these threads sounds incredible. Sounds like we’re heading towards special needs being the norm. God knows what that means for a functioning society.

I think you’re being very sensible, OP. So many people give little thought to being a parent beyond conception. I say that as a general comment, not in regards to children with additional needs.

I know parents of children with SN and their overwhelming fear is that their children will never live independently, and who will look after them when they have died. I’m sorry if that upsets people, it makes me feel really sad and I don’t even have children. That fear must be indescribable.

I have no issue with people saying they would struggle - it’s the ‘I would be absolutely devastated’ comment. And the fact quite a few of you do not see issue with that, really concerns me - but I guess as it’s not your life, you don’t care!

I'm autistic too and one of the reasons I don't want children is that I don't want to raise a child who could face the same debilitating struggles that I have.

But if they would be devastated - why can't they say that?

I get you. I wanted children and spent a lot of time and money ttc to no avail. It’s only fairly recently that I’ve become aware of the risks in older fatherhood with regard to SEND - my father was 50 when I was born and I certainly have ASD/ADHD traits. My DH is ten years older than me also. I am relieved we didn’t get a surprise late miracle, as the chances of SEND were not insignificant IMO.

I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone.

I truly just wondered if I was the only one who had these concerns.

To me it does seem that because the topic is so sensitive it does get avoided and brushed under the carpet.

Well if you wouldn’t say it to someone in real life, that pretty much says it all!

OP isn’t saying you or your parents should feel devastated. She is saying she would feel devastated. You’re ok with it, she wouldn’t be. People are different, have different things they can cope with, different levels of resilience etc.

Thing is you can’t predict the future. Even if you have perfectly healthy children when you give birth the could have illnesses or accidents that disable them later on in life. Most peole rise to the occasion. Hopefully you will be able to too

Not really. This is an anonymous forum. It's okay to say things on here that you wouldn't necessarily say to someone you know.

How do you feel about the forums on Reddit and Facebook filled with parents who are devastated that their children are disabled?

I do not think that the feelings of parents of children with special needs should stop OP from discussing her issues, thoughts and feelings just as another woman needing a termination and wanting to discuss it on a thread shouldn’t have to worry about the sensitivities of women with fertility issues who would love to have a child.

This is true, and it's another reason I would never have children. It's too unpredictable, too scary.

I’ve not read every post, do apologies if I’ve repeated.

I do think it’s very honest of you to state how you feel.
Can you take the same honesty back tho?

I don’t know if you’ve told your husband of your fears, and if you do stand firm on a childfree marriage, then could you cope with your husband then feeling he had to break up with you, because he stands firm on wanting a child with or without SEN?

im not saying above is a reason to have a child, but please be aware that he also has a choice.

Hope everything works out the best for you both.