Annoying MIL

[Snazzy73]

Hello sorry it’s another annoying MIL story… I don’t think she has any clue how frustrating it is for us but… we are struggling to afford the next rung on the ladder. Prices constantly going up despite us earning a little more and feeling we’re getting closer… MIL knows how miserable we are in current house due to issues with our neighbours and keeps commenting on how we could do with more space… Anyway out at dinner she dropped into conversation how she finds it difficult to spend money… she has told us how much she has and keeps telling us how lucky we’ll be… I take this with a pinch of salt as who knows what the future holds!!! But I don’t think she realises how irritating such comments are. She has never even hinted at providing us with any help, despite much of her own savings pot coming from inheritance! Two years ago our car broke down and again she knew we struggled to afford a new second hand model… at the same time she went and bought a brand new car for herself (wasn’t needed as her old car was perfectly fine - she just fancied an upgrade). She never even offered any help with ours. I know if my parents were alive they would have offered a small amount towards it ( I didn’t receive any inheritance from them as they had very little in comparison but always generous and helped where they could with small amounts). I know she is probably being careful with money - I.e thinking about the future but AIBU to think she could offer some help to us. I know we’ve no right to it but I know my parents would have done and they had much less money. It just seems so unthoughtful sometimes given she knows our situation. I also know she can spend her money - or not - how she likes!

I'm with you OP. I am working my ass off now in order to provide for my own DC. We have had no help whatsoever from DH's separated/remarried/very obviously well off DP, and some help from my own (comparatively skint) DP.

I can't wait to gift my DC cars and house deposits when they grow up, and I struggle to understand people who don't share this outlook, when the money is sat there. Why would you not help your own have a better life? Baffling.

It is very insensitive of her and I'd tell her so if I were you.

I agree with you. My parents would definitely offer and I would for my children. Are you sure she’s not ever offered anything to your husband and he’s turned it down out of pride? Could that be her reasons for bringing it up, almost a reminder of her offer? That might be a little optimistic on my part but it’s super strange of her to not realise how tone deaf she is being.

Next time she mentions money in that way I’d make a comment about how you wished you were in that situation and with your current money struggles you can’t imagine ever being where she is. Make her realise.

Exactly but unforunately no one wants to know as it does not fit the rhetoric that no generation has suffered more than today's young families.
High mortgage rates, no childcare subsidies, no UC, no flexible working etc are airily brushed aside because house prices.
Yes, houses are more expensive now but just about everything else - food, energy etc - are proportionally cheaper than they were in the past.
The average age for home ownership may have risen but so has the average age for starting work. The school leaving age used to be 16 when i was at school, so it's perfectly possible that someome my age (58) had already worked six years by the time today's graduates (and most are) join the workforce. That's a six-year head start to getting a mortgage. I got my first mortgage at 22 but i had already been working for four years at that point. Today's equivilent would be 26 i think?
I also wish we could lay to rest the nonsense that most families could live comfortably on one wage as i am sure the lifestyle of families im the 70s and 80s would be regarded as boardering on poverty these days. Lifestyle creep has a lot to answer for.
I had a sahm but if her expectations included driving her own relatively-new car, entertaining us with days out, activities, soft-play, regular holidays, new toys and clothes, and enjoyed regular hairdressing, manicures, lunches and coffees out, clothing, gym membership etc our family could not live on one wage either.
So yes, houses undoubtably are more expensive but this fact carries a lot of heavy lifting in the endless whining about how no generation has ever had a worse deal than today's 30 somethings.
Some things ARE worse now but some things are better. Every generation has its struggles, they are just different.

Hmm I might have a bit of a different perspective here but as a teacher at the top of the pay scale, I won’t get any further non-inflationary payrises without changing my circumstances.
I don't doubt it’s frightening to have to live off a third of your previous income, but that’s what retirement planning is all about.

And then OP’s MIL sounds like she actually does have money to spare! OP isn’t entitled to it, but I’d find anyone with surplus cash moaning about it while I’m struggling very tedious. It’s just basic manners.

They may try to ‘blackmail’ you with promises of a large inheritance for your help?

Of course they have

I told them to enjoy it now or leave it to the donkey home as I will not be blackmailed for anyone

Im 'evil,unreasonable and have a drinking problem & personality disorder' apparently

I think people will say you're wrong, but i don't think you are. She doesn't have to offer money but she should keep her mouth shut about it, and if it were my kids I would be offering money!! So although it shouldn't be expected, I think any decent person would be offering.

Maybe she doesn’t have as much as she say.
A lot of older people are out of touch now with how money is. My octogenarian grandad acts as if anyone earning over 30k is absolutely minted! We earn more, sometimes struggle a little but he thinks we are just irresponsible with money 😆 he doesn’t realise how things are these days

We’re eternally grateful to my late Dad whose oft-repeated line was ‘I’d rather see you all have the benefit of it now than when I’m dead!’. He died in 2007 & we all remember him with love.

So mother in law is worth over a million pounds? She/ you have only got to pay inheritance tax on the sum above a million. There will be plenty left for you to play with once she's dead. Sounds like you just can't wait. Heaven forbid you should stand on your own two feet. Not everyone has a rich mother in law. Some people have to do it off their own backs.
As the Irish would say: Catch yourself on.

Not sure about the evil , but the other 3 could be explained by having parents like that.

YABU to think she should offer you money, especially if you haven’t ever asked even for a small loan if she has the means.

YANBU to feel as though she is boasting and rubbing your face in it. It really sounds like she can’t read a room.

Im not evil,unreasonable,have a drinking problem (I dont like being pissed) nor have a personality disorder

I like to think I dont anyway!

So true! My parents, in the 80s, had one very run down car that broke down all the time, my mother got all her clothes from the charity shop and sewed most of ours to save money, or got our clothes second hand. One holiday a year to the beach with tents or single room cabins for a week. Toys only at Christmas and birthday, no lunches and coffees out. We got a sandwich from a cafe once a year on the way to our one holiday. I didn't even go into a cafe until I was 13. Our entertainment was the local neighbourhood, free. Sometimes we skipped heating or had pancakes for dinner to save money.

People might have bought houses younger but they also settled down and had children much younger than families today. I was 13 when my parents bought their first home. After being turned down by multiple banks for a mortgage before finding one that would help them, and maxing out credit cards to raise the deposit.

The OP isn’t struggling. She just can’t afford a bigger house or a new car. Thats not breadline stuff. Just a stage of life.

Completely agree. The fastest way for me to zip up my wallet or reduce help is to express entitlement or expectation towards it. I give freely but I'm not a doormat.

@vintageblueribbonyour parents abuser you. I am so sorry to read what yoi have been through. You sound incredibly strong! I hope goimgbNC has given you peace

My mum is often bemoaning the fact that she has too much money and her accountant has told her to spend some of it. She spent my childhood simultaneously penny pinching and having exotic holidays. I had to work from 13 and pay for my school uniform, school trips, clothes, shoes and even toiletries. I have to admit it’s very grating to watch her rolling in it, she will never spend the wealth she has acquired.
My aim with my children is to pay for things I can watch them enjoy. I have very little money but want to help with weddings, holidays, house deposits and the cost of grandchildren. I don’t expect anything back or even gratitude I just hope they don’t struggle the way I have.

I think the issue is that she discusses her money. Next time I would ask her to please not disclose how well off she is as it's hard for you at the moment financially.

Your MIL is not your parents so easiest not to have any expectations of her. I am in the same position - both my parents are dead and were a million times more supportive than my MIL. The key here is to accept that your parents were the nicer people and not to expect anything from MIL. Some people are a lot nicer than others - fact of life.

Yeah I'm a "boomer" living in the cheapest rental I could find with my basic pension to live on and also totally supporting a relative who can't work. So fod to you as well.

Making a 13 year old work to pay for school things is abusive. Providing for your child's basic education is a fundamental parental responsibility.