Annoying MIL

[Snazzy73]

Hello sorry it’s another annoying MIL story… I don’t think she has any clue how frustrating it is for us but… we are struggling to afford the next rung on the ladder. Prices constantly going up despite us earning a little more and feeling we’re getting closer… MIL knows how miserable we are in current house due to issues with our neighbours and keeps commenting on how we could do with more space… Anyway out at dinner she dropped into conversation how she finds it difficult to spend money… she has told us how much she has and keeps telling us how lucky we’ll be… I take this with a pinch of salt as who knows what the future holds!!! But I don’t think she realises how irritating such comments are. She has never even hinted at providing us with any help, despite much of her own savings pot coming from inheritance! Two years ago our car broke down and again she knew we struggled to afford a new second hand model… at the same time she went and bought a brand new car for herself (wasn’t needed as her old car was perfectly fine - she just fancied an upgrade). She never even offered any help with ours. I know if my parents were alive they would have offered a small amount towards it ( I didn’t receive any inheritance from them as they had very little in comparison but always generous and helped where they could with small amounts). I know she is probably being careful with money - I.e thinking about the future but AIBU to think she could offer some help to us. I know we’ve no right to it but I know my parents would have done and they had much less money. It just seems so unthoughtful sometimes given she knows our situation. I also know she can spend her money - or not - how she likes!

There are some parents who want to help their children and not watch them struggle, and some that are too self absorbed. You’re not going to change her. She is probably trying to save all her pennies in case she needs it one day, but she forgets that she will also need her children to look after her one day too. I never understand why older people feel the need to keep telling their children about their inheritance one day, like dangling a carrot over them. Memories count more than money.
It is frustrating but you have to try and let it go or it will eat you up. She sounds like the kind of person that if she did help you out when you really need it, you would always be obligated to her and guilt tripped, so you are probably better off without her help anyway.

I dunno if you think you're funny or clever. Maybe you think you're both. Grow up and stop blaming your issues on other people.

I don't know where this expectation has come from that the older generation has some sort of obligation to give money to their offspring, or why young families seem to expect the same sort of financial security as their parents.
The child-rearing years have always been and will always be the most expensive time of your lives. This is not new, although some on mn seen to be under the impression that their generation are unique and that every young family of previous generations was much better off than they are. They weren't, although spending and expectations were much lower so they did not 'need' as much money as today''s families think they do.
It's your MIL's money, it's not yours.
Your time will come. As the years go by you will get pension lump sums and may inherit and they YOU will have the money you crave now. It was ever thus.
I do realise that everyone on MN is going to give all their money to their children and not expect any help from them as they are going to live indeoendent lives for ever but the reality will be somewhat dufferent i suspect.

I get you OP!! I was very close to my late MIL but she still sometimes did things that I felt insensitive. We had two small children and were struggling financially, we hadn’t had a holiday in years and really needed a break. She had inheritance from parents and life insurance from late FIL and was spending huge amounts on once in a lifetime holidays (travelling the world but def more than once). One holiday cost £20k. Of course it was her money to do as she pleased but I know myself I’d be treating my children and definitely not spending huge amounts on a holiday if they hadn’t been away in years!

You don’t even know if this person is a boomer. Could be any age from about 40 onwards. But if you are referring to people over 60 something. They tend to rely on acquired wealth for income. This is a pension. Look it up.

Is that you mum?

You took the very words out of my mouth.
Well said.

My mum can be similarly insensitive. Complaining to me that her 4 bedroom house is too small, making disparaging comments about my (much smaller) house. I don't want her money. It would just be nice if she'd realise how different life is now than it was for her, and think before she talks.

It's her money!
Of course you think you'll give all yours away and you think you are the 'disadvantaged' party now. Your MIL may well not have had had holidays when her children were young and does not realise they are now regarded as an 'essential' for today's young families.
They didn't used to be and looking forward to more holidays when retired used to be a thing. People expect everything NOW.

Are you sure you know what 'life was like for her'? Most young families have it tight, then have more money later in life. It's always been the way for most people. My kids were surprised looking back at photos from when they were tiny. "Man, you had really crap furniture then!" Had to acknowledge it was true and was able to give them the reality check that when you start with nothing, you build up along the way. I think you can call her out on insensitive comments but most parents will look back on the time they were where you are.

This 100%

Thegoldenoriole
people in jobs have options, however limited. Your pension is a stagnant payment for the rest of your life

I honrstly don't know where this widespead MN has come from that today's young families are unique in their financial struggles and every generation before them have no idea of their suffering.
It's uttely bizarre.

Thanks for all your comments everyone. I certainly don’t expect MIL to buy us a car. I just know my parents would have asked if we wanted any help with it - £100 even or given us cash at Christmas or something as a bit of a boost. That’s the kind of people they were who wanted to see us enjoy life while they were alive. I do however get the care costs for sure. I think we’re just going to keep plugging on. We’re going to put our home on the market next month and see where to go from there. As you say, wouldn’t want any strings attached to money - would prefer people to see the cost of life today! News story I read recently did the average house price was £300k for example.

Probably because compared to earlier generations it is much harder for the younger generations. Average age to buy a house in the 70s was 24. It’s now 35. It used to be very possible, almost normal for a whole family to live well off one salary. Not anymore.
Being so naive to the struggles of young people is what builds the resentment. You think your generation had it hard? Spare a thought for young people then because it’s harder for them.

This!

I am 61 and we do now have money and we help our son and DIL when we can.

I’m not sure if people realize how much we all struggled in the 80s. Mortgage rates were through the roof and we struggled to put food on the table too.
We didn’t even have a land line for the first four years as we couldn’t afford the installation. Honestly and I say this with huge conviction we were absolutely poorer than you are now.

this Boomer thing pisses me off so much tbh!!

We lived with my parents for two years to save a deposit for a house, we lived so fucking frugally.
All of our furniture was what family didn’t want and dumped on us😂.
It’s really hard to remember those days when the kids were small and I for one never want to be that skint ever again.

Yes we have money now and help when we can but we deserve our financial reward for how we struggled.

Please believe me when I say we were poorer than the families today we had absolutely nothing when we brought our children up !!!

My parents, especially dm, are always talking about their next holiday. They are abroad at the moment and have a cruise booked for April and dm said we don't have anything booked for March! I'm on UC, work a zero hours contract and life is a struggle. I don't expect to be bankrolled but it does feel like she's rubbing my nose in it. (I'm 60, youngest dc leaves school this year). They did pay annual subscription (£100) for dd3's sport but due to an injury she hasn't gone much recently so dm has told me it was a waste of money! I wish I'd paid it myself tbh.

I know my dad was earning £130k when they separated in the mid 1990s. I had a very privileged childhood growing up in the 80s. So I was extremely lucky. It's just been a shock that I can't give my kids half of what I had, despite having a degree and a career. But then my mum was trapped as a SAHM in an unhappy marriage and no amount of money would make me want that life!

This was 20 years ago. She was young and had already travelled the world more than once. In that situation I’d 100% help my children. I actually do. I enjoy holidays with just DH but I still treat my adult DC regularly, I love to share the money we have with making their lives easier. It is my money and yet here I am sharing it and making their lives richer and happier. As a mum that’s where I get my pleasure, I guess not all mums get pleasure from that. I could never watch my kids struggle to afford a weekend away whilst spending 20k on my own holiday! Im not made like that. We also received inheritance ourselves and have already shared it with DC.

YABU, maybe, to expect any help but she is more U to keep making disparaging comments about your house and boasting about her new car when yours died!

Mine gave us £6k house deposit as a wedding present (would be worth a lot more now adjusted for inflation) and that is the sole reason we have almost paid off a house 15 years later. Help doesn't have to be constant or lifelong.

Actually boomers relate to baby boomers - so all those born post war up to 1964.

I have sleepless nights worrying about how with my limited resources I can help my children with property etc. And I know my partner feels the same about his children. I think your MIL is either really thick, an ignorant vain woman who has no idea what it’s like to struggle, or how difficult things are for younger generations, or that there is a lack of love on her part. Maybe she really does not care for her son. Either way it must be very grating for you.

For responsible parents there is a difficult balance here. On the one hand we want to help our children, & appreciate the world has changed dramatically in ways that mean working people are really struggling. On the other hand we want to have a little life - after decades of working!- while we still can. How to manage this is not easy, but loving parents want to help & try to do so.

I would certainly not ever raise this with her. With someone this stupid/vain/uncaring it will just lead to a shitstorm. If you can, maybe dissuade her from burning money on stuff like new cars (losing money as soon as driven off the forecourt). Far better to spend money on home improvements that may make her more comfortable, enable her to stay living independently in her own home longer, and maybe (though I really would not count on this) even go towards an inheritance.

It is really horrible to see how little some older people realise the world has changed, and how selfish they are.

Personally I couldn't see my children struggle like this while I was comfortable. There's something fundamentally wrong with people who are comfortable with it - don't they feel guilty?? It's really abnormal to care so little about your kids just because they are now grown up.

Not all boomer parents are like this, not at all. My parents are boomers and don't have an awful lot of money, they don't own their home and live in a council flat. They're paying for us to go on holiday with them this year (in the UK) because we can't afford a holiday. They are eternally generous even though they don't have a lot, and I am grateful for it.

OP, YANBU.

She’s being insensitive. It’s her money, but she doesn’t have to talk about how much she has etc while knowing your situation. My parents would never treat me like that and I would never treat my children like that; I’ve been saving for their futures since I registered their births. Lower your expectations of her.

Why dont you just ask?!

she’s not a stranger, she’s DHs mum ffs. If you need support ask, everyone isn’t a mind reader. Just plugging along obstinately and being resentful of her not twigging you want help isn’t really fair.

you have to give her the option before holding it against her.