Annoying MIL

[Snazzy73]

Hello sorry it’s another annoying MIL story… I don’t think she has any clue how frustrating it is for us but… we are struggling to afford the next rung on the ladder. Prices constantly going up despite us earning a little more and feeling we’re getting closer… MIL knows how miserable we are in current house due to issues with our neighbours and keeps commenting on how we could do with more space… Anyway out at dinner she dropped into conversation how she finds it difficult to spend money… she has told us how much she has and keeps telling us how lucky we’ll be… I take this with a pinch of salt as who knows what the future holds!!! But I don’t think she realises how irritating such comments are. She has never even hinted at providing us with any help, despite much of her own savings pot coming from inheritance! Two years ago our car broke down and again she knew we struggled to afford a new second hand model… at the same time she went and bought a brand new car for herself (wasn’t needed as her old car was perfectly fine - she just fancied an upgrade). She never even offered any help with ours. I know if my parents were alive they would have offered a small amount towards it ( I didn’t receive any inheritance from them as they had very little in comparison but always generous and helped where they could with small amounts). I know she is probably being careful with money - I.e thinking about the future but AIBU to think she could offer some help to us. I know we’ve no right to it but I know my parents would have done and they had much less money. It just seems so unthoughtful sometimes given she knows our situation. I also know she can spend her money - or not - how she likes!

I don't think it's anything to with boomers and this kind of comment is naff.. Plenty of 'boomers' are generous and help their kids. It's just humans, some don't spend, others do.

OP, it's annoying I hear it. MIL has every right not to give her money to help you guys out, but she does indeed need to shut up about it all and your situation when you're struggling.

@Snazzy73 , my husband and I are pretty wealthy. I wouldn’t say we’re mean with our two children, we provided a very good education for them and have helped them with interest free loans.
We are acutely aware of the cost of care in older age and are balancing our life in order to finally have some fun but also be in a position to afford care when we inevitably need it. My own parents lent heavily on me in their old age and I don’t want that for my boys, I would prefer they could feel able to just remain our ‘children’. When we die there will hopefully be a good amount left to help our boys in their own older age.
So sorry but you sound quite selfish and graspy. You are adults and should learn to be responsible for yourselves, Why do you think anyone should put your security before their own?

You’re not being unreasonable - plenty of people I know first made it on the property ladder, or bought a larger home thanks to a helping hand from parents (though I too am not one of these benefactors!). Of course they don’t need to, but if they’re comfortably able and happy to then why not so I can understand why you’d wonder why. Are you perhaps overestimating how much she has or is she relying on this money to see her through retirement? Is there any tension otherwise between you/your husband and her that could be making her feel less inclined to offer? In any case, better to let it go, especially if your husband has never asked for help.. it will only make you feel more resentful and hard done by!

So she quite clearly irritates you, yet you think your entitled for her handouts?

As a so called boomer we are really struggling now we have retired. Income a third of the income we had a few years ago. COL has rocketed .
I have an inheritance fund from when my lovely Mum died and it’s all we have.
We just didn’t have any extra money to save when we were working and we try to help out with our children but need to balance it with our own needs,retirement etc .

Unless you can't afford to put food on your table or are about to default on the mortgage I think YABU to expect hand outs from your in laws. They earnt their money and they can spend it how they like. Although, she does need to zip it with her comments.

My parents were quite well off and we struggled financially for a long time but I would never expect them to pay fund a new car etc as that was their money for their retirement. They paid for a new boiler but that was not long after dh died and I was on the bones of my arse until probate came though.

I am so so sorry to hear how your parents treated you. That is awful but karma is now paying them a little visit.

Except only 10%-20% of people ever live in a care home so that would be nonsense.

OP, there are two of you sharing a mortgage. I'm a single mum and yet I pay my mortgage by myself. You have two incomes, twice as many hours in the month. You split every other bill between you.

So, no, no sympathy for your financial situation really. You are both adults and should be able to support yourselves. Take a second job if you are struggling.

She shouldn't discuss finances though. Always better to avoid money as a topic.

Millennials gonna whine.

OP, I agree with you.
People like your MIL turn my stomach.
No self awareness, but how they love to talk about how much they have and like its a burden.

See a lot less of her would be my advice.
I could no more see a child of mine suffer if I could help, particularly a young family in todays climate.

Neither my husband nor I received money from our parents and were so fortunate that we earned very well.
However, our children despite being well qualified may well need help.
I would much rather have the joy of helping them than frittering money away in my 60' and 70's.

Yanbu to be irritated by her.
She sounds dim, obtuse and annoying.

You need to be blunt. When she comments on how crowded you are, say yes, but we can't afford to move. When she brags about how much money she has to spend, give her a blank look and change the subject. When she says you're going to be so well off when she dies, then reply hmmmm and change the subject (although I'd be tempted to wind her up and say can you die in the next month then, because we're broke 🤣).

Ultimately though, your husband needs to spell it out: it is really tactless for her to talk about money so much when you and he are struggling. If she still doesn't tone it down, then I'd see less of her as it's just going to annoy you.

Odfod

Oops, looks like the boomers are annoyed at being confronted with their behaviour. Standard!

We are late boomers and early retired and relatively well off. We have gifted significant sums of money to our daughters for houses, cars, grandchildren and give regular money gifts. We also pay for family holidays as we can afford it and our daughters can’t at the moment. My mum does the same with us. Neither of us are jeopardising our future care costs and can’t see why others don’t do the same. If your MIL inherited money it is quite selfish not to pass some of that on to your DH and you. I would say something to her if she talks about having too much money. Tell her it is insensitive and you don’t want to hear it. She sounds like the sort of person though if she gifts money it will come with strings attached.

Your MIL sounds really annoying and completely tone deaf. What does your DH think about his mum constantly boasting about having more money than she knows how to spend and telling you that you need more space but never offering to help you out financially?

I'd massively reduce the time I spent with her. She is tactless at best and at worst she is deliberately rubbing your face in it.

The posters that have said that you have no right to any of her money are correct, but you don't have to listen to her goady comments.

Her money, her choice. My parents gift but are pretty poor. My mil is pretty well off and gives nothing. Her attitude is that you need to pay your way. And that's fair enough. It's sometimes frustrating when our lives could be dramatically changed and it wouldn't impact hers to give but it's up to her.

Sincerely, how is a pension not the same? You get money every month and know how much is coming.

It sounds like you’re in a very different situation to OP’s MIL. I don’t think anyone would think you should be helping out your children, but hopefully you also wouldn’t make comments about the size of their house!

You can't tar an entire generation with the same brush. Many Boomers are not wealthy at all. Including my parents.

The difference is that those on a pension will never experience a real pay rise, only keeping up with inflation at best. And unlike younger people,they are unlikely to be able to take a second job to earn more.

Plus most are living on a fraction of what they previously earned. Whatever comes in at the end of the month, that's it. It can be very frightening.

Ageism, like any form of bigotry, is foolish.

And very unattractive.

I think she is being insensitive and it sounds as though your MIL is constantly talking about it.

I think always rely on yourself for finances and not look to anyone for a helping hand.

When she starts talking about the massive inheritance you can expect, just say that it's now you need it, not in thirty years time. In a neutral, matter-of-fact tone. Say it each time she mentions it.

How does your DP feel about her comments? I would be a bit upset if my DIL talked to me about money comments I'd made but would probably listen to my son - it wouldn't seem as money-grabbing somehow. I agree with you though and think it's a shame she can't see your situation.