Disappointed with dh parenting

[froglet45]

Situation is I have an older child from previous marriage who lives with us primarily but spends EOW and a night here and there at her dads. Dh and I also have a 4 year old dd together. Dh is an older dad. He was late forties when she was born and now in his early fifties.

Dh works full time and is the main provider but I do everything for dd4. Every bath and bedtime, every play date, day out, holiday, party is organised by me. Dh struggles with her. Overall she’s well behaved but does have tantrums and can be full on and demanding at times. This week I had a work event which meant I had to go in on one of my days off. When I got in Dh was totally mardy, pissed off and it was clear he’d not coped well with dd. He said she’d been a nightmare but he hadn’t done anything with her. Granted the weather was poor but even getting paints and play doh out for her seems like too much trouble.

I know his age will get brought into this but he wanted a baby. I also know I’ll probably be blamed for choosing to have kids with a useless dad but how do you know what kind of a dad he’ll be until you actually have a baby! I don’t want to separate and split up our family, I couldn’t manage alone and it wouldn’t solve this problem anyway. But I have to admit my feelings towards him are fading and I’m become resentful at how pathetic he is at times. He gets grumpy, ranty, he doesn’t go out with friends so it’s not like he has any better places to be.

I suppose I just need some tips on how to address with him in a non accusatory way. I think I should ask him to do more so that he gets used to it but equally I don’t like leaving them if I know I’ll come back and find them both stressed and pissed off. I’m supposed to be going away on a hen doo for 2 nights later in the year and I can’t actually visualise leaving him to cope for that long, how bad is that?

playing with 4 year olds IS tedious especially all day

not sure what you were expecting when he puts a full shift in with work and then expected to come home and get the play doh out when many men his age are becoming grandparents

And what was he expecting, do you think, @tirednessbecomesme ?

Yes, it's knackering. It is thankless, time-consuming, often boring.

But as a parent you step up and do your fucking job!

Book something then become ‘unavailable’ and let them go and do whatever was planned. Sounds like he actually doesn’t have a bond with his child. This is a difficult age with tantrums (I found 4 probably the hardest). It’s short term and be just needs to get over it and realise they won’t be this little ever again.

I’m not talking about play doh after work. She’s in childcare while I work. I’m talking about the odd days when he has her for an extended period of time while I’m out and doesn’t seem able to cope. And certainly wouldn’t consider doing something she might actually enjoy.

OP what did you think would happen if after 4 years you had done everything? Honestly the amount of posts I read about women martyring themselves then being surprised their husbands are shit dads.

If he's not willing to play with his child, maybe he shouldn't have ASKED to have a child?

Aside from the fact that you've decided she's making him work all day then parent all evening while she does nothing, and what she's actually saying is that if he's OFF WORK and she's out, he doesn't cope well, dad's and working parents are STILL PARENTS.

Today I've been off work and had DD at home. DH (late 40s, just to be clear, so there's a comparison) has come in from a full day at work and immediately started playing with DD while I cooked dinner, then took her for a walk with the dog while I washed up. Because he's an involved parent.

On Wednesday I had to go to London for work. He started late to drop her at nursery (usually my job) and picked her up on his way home after a full day and started dinner so that when I got home we were in our normal position. Because he's an involved parent.

I can leave him looking after DD at any point, for any reason, because he is as much her parent as I am. And all dad's SHOULD be.

Just leave them to it, yes they are both stressed when you get home but its not the end of the world, i expect some days you are stressed out particularly if dd has been a nightmare, and he is not used to dealing with a little one all day, by himself.
i think you need to just bite the bullet and do your wedding thing, its not like he isn’t looking after her- shes fed, warm, clean, in bed on time etc most 4 year olds can occupy themselves if hes not particularly into playing games- my OH hates any paint/ playdoh games but will still play along with dd- if she passes him a doll he will rock it n burp it etc, will get down on floor and build blocks but doesn’t instigate play time with her.
i had to spend 2 nights away couple years ago and left OH with 4 kids by himself for the first time- they managed.

It’s so dull and predictable that his shitness must somehow be my fault. Yes I have looked after my child, and yes in hindsight I probably should have forced encouraged him to be more involved sooner. But I’m not a martyr I’m a parent, like him.

What are his attributes? What do you adore about him? Why do you love him? Is he fantastic company, does he make you smile? Do you get a flutter of joy every time he comes through the door?
I get no sense of any positive feelings for him other than he earns a lot of money and you don’t want to break your family up. How does he feel? Have your feelings for one another changed since this child? Maybe you need to try counselling? As it stands I can’t see any reason for him to stay, that does not mean he is not the issue but he already seems to be distancing himself from you and your child.

How can a man not have the initiative to get play doh out? I bet he’s got plenty of initiative at work! It’s called weaponised incompetency.

He just can’t be arsed and doesn’t think it’s his problem.

This

And yet OP works too, so by your logic who is supposed to look after their child after work?

Why shouldn't he parent his child after work? He wanted to be a dad.

He's obviously struggling due to his age.

Nope.

My DH is late 40s and our DD is the same age. From what OP has said there is like only 4/5 years between my DH and hers.

I have friends who are older with kids this age. We see this pattern in SO MANY men regardless of age.

Stop apologising for rubbish men. Expect better.

And stop pretending that someone who is old enough to be a grandfather can parent with the same energy as a younger man

You have very strange expectations of family.

Early 50s, to be a grandparent you're looking at 25 max for both them and their children to have had children. Younger for him to have had a 4 year old grandchild, so more like 23 each.

That might have been more normal a couple of generations ago, but the average age of a first time mother is over 30 now, so actually, being a grandparent to a 4 year old in your early 50s is increasingly rare.

This man chose this. He has to parent. Many people are parenting pre-schoolers in their late 40s, early 50s as it's also not uncommon for men to be older than women in relationships, and women are having babies later.

Aside from all of that, this OP isn't about his energy levels. It's about his inability to set up an activity for a child. I have a 4 year old. If I put the play doh or painting stuff on the table, she'll do it and I only really need to watch. And clear up. She'll watch something she enjoys on the TV. She will play dolls/teddies/bluey/insert figures of choice here. I might need to interact a bit for that but I can do it from the sofa. He's not in the bit where a child constantly needs watching and can't play independently. He just needs to switch his brain on. And OP wasn't even talking about a work day. It was a day off.

Please both learn to read and come into the modern world. It's nice.

Oh dear! I have obviously touched a nerve here about age , apologies. Are you older yourself?
There are plenty grandparents in their 50s ,(50% off women are grandmother's in their 50s) that doesn't negate there are older ones too of course .
You seem to live in your world, insisting it is a certain way merely because you say so
I love your scenario that looking after a 4 year old doesn't deplete energy levels...OK if you say so!!! 4 year olds have boundless energy and you can't just sit them in front of tv, play dough etc as you seem to do.
Anyway I'll retreat as I've obviously really riled you. Have a chill out Sunday...🙂

Anything that is vastly different from one's normal routine can be exhausting. Try sitting in the back of a car for 12 hours if you've never done it before.