Disappointed with dh parenting

[froglet45]

Situation is I have an older child from previous marriage who lives with us primarily but spends EOW and a night here and there at her dads. Dh and I also have a 4 year old dd together. Dh is an older dad. He was late forties when she was born and now in his early fifties.

Dh works full time and is the main provider but I do everything for dd4. Every bath and bedtime, every play date, day out, holiday, party is organised by me. Dh struggles with her. Overall she’s well behaved but does have tantrums and can be full on and demanding at times. This week I had a work event which meant I had to go in on one of my days off. When I got in Dh was totally mardy, pissed off and it was clear he’d not coped well with dd. He said she’d been a nightmare but he hadn’t done anything with her. Granted the weather was poor but even getting paints and play doh out for her seems like too much trouble.

I know his age will get brought into this but he wanted a baby. I also know I’ll probably be blamed for choosing to have kids with a useless dad but how do you know what kind of a dad he’ll be until you actually have a baby! I don’t want to separate and split up our family, I couldn’t manage alone and it wouldn’t solve this problem anyway. But I have to admit my feelings towards him are fading and I’m become resentful at how pathetic he is at times. He gets grumpy, ranty, he doesn’t go out with friends so it’s not like he has any better places to be.

I suppose I just need some tips on how to address with him in a non accusatory way. I think I should ask him to do more so that he gets used to it but equally I don’t like leaving them if I know I’ll come back and find them both stressed and pissed off. I’m supposed to be going away on a hen doo for 2 nights later in the year and I can’t actually visualise leaving him to cope for that long, how bad is that?

😂😂😂

LOL here! Thanks for that, as I was sat here pinching myself, thinking I must have inadvertently walked through a portal to the 1950s on my lunch break!

100%

My husband was feeling under the weather recently and moaned about going to a play village.

I had to point out to him that our son happily plays by himself and with other children in a play village and would be a nightmare cooped up at home, far more work. As it was, we sat up and had a drink whilst he played an just took turns helping him every so often.

Meant to quote the parenting 101 puppet show.

This!

I don’t particularly love a trip to the soft play but when the weather is rubbish, like today, we’ve spent 2 hours in the soft play and now DD is quite happily sat doing some drawing. If we’d stayed in the house all morning she’d be half way to crazy by now😂

Oh no, you're right, a full time worker shouldn't possibly have to parent a child they asked for, created and are responsible for.

I think you’re going to have to specifically tell him ‘whilst i’m out can you get the play doh out’ or set up an activity for her in advance if he’s totally useless but that isn’t going to help much with a 2 day trip.
I don’t think it’s age tbh because my brother in law is in his late 50’s with a 5 year old and he dropped to part time hours to care for her. Whilst she was at home they did forest school, ballet, tap, park, swimming and now she’s at school they do baking etc when she gets home as well as some after school activities.
I think your DH didn’t envisage how much energy, time etc a small person needs and liked the idea of children but thought he would still be able to please himself.
My DH has a single best friend who is in his 40’s who says he’s desperate to have children but is equally surprised when we say how much time a child’s hobby takes, or how little they sleep and how much things cost and says it sounds like a nightmare! He loves holding a baby that’s asleep and smelling gorgeous, I should think a precocious lively 4 year old would finish him off and I suspect your DH is similar, the reality of children is rather different to an imagined version.
If he’s short tempered etc with his daughter then she will pick up on this, I can’t imagine he’s much fun to be around….
I would be questioning how it’s possible to stay together long term without negativity impacting her and resenting him
for his lack of parenting.

how is he with his older child? Could it be that he finds it easier with the child when they are older and more independent? My h was like this when ours were small, he was absolutely useless and away with work more than home. Now that they’re older he’s turned into super dad. It annoys me because I felt like a single parent most of the time when the kids were younger

The problem is that OP has to deal with her situation as it is, rather than how others would like it to be. Given what we know, a bit of coaching for her DH doesn't seem like a particularly outrageous suggestion.

It's also not as simple as men learning too. I used to take my DD to a weekly baby massage session, which would usually be followed by coffee and a themed discussion about something or another. Weaning is the one I particularly recall because I wanted to be part of the discussion, but was asked to leave because one mum wanted to breastfeed without men present.

I know other Dads whose wives never think to share communications about their children sent directly to mothers only, and then come over all exercised with self-righteous indignation when said husband is expected to action something but doesn't know anything about it.

He needs to find something he enjoys doing and take DD along. DP loves being out walking so DD goes along. Recently he's taken up photography and DD now has a camera too, it's a big bonding thing with them. He really really struggled, especially pre age 8, I started working then and he had to get on with it. I did everything before then, he's a lot better now and a really present father to both the kids. So yeah, find something he enjoys, take DD, make the most of it before she's a teenager and no longer wishes for his company.

Well yes there are a lot of negative options .. weaponised incompetence, resentment at being left with ‘your responsibilities’, lack of interest in his child

You could rush to support him as many women would do with ideas and lists and organising his mother to ‘help him’ aka do it for him but the interesting thing would be to ask him how it went for him and how he’d like it to go in future. If the response is a lot of complaints about your child or you then it’s another negative for the list 🤷‍♀️

But it could be he has no idea, was having a bad day or simply isn’t good with this age group - even so he needs to do better.

Presumably he can google how to entertain a small child, can keep her suitably fed and watered and knows how to watch a Disney film, jump in puddles or open a draw to find the colouring books. If he wants it to go better he will do the planing won’t he and that needs to be the outcome of the conversation. Tell him he needs more practice if you think Dd would like that or arrange a babysitter so you know she is well cared for.

It sounds like he's competent enough with things like bath and bedtime. But perhaps not in a regular routine of doing the mundane stuff?

For your 2 night break maybe you could gently suggest some things he might enjoy doing with her? My DH likes trains and has taken the DC to various train based days out. I like walks and country parks and the beach and try to get outside whenever I've got a day with DS. I also give myself a break by putting a film on for him or not cooking and eating out/getting takeaway. I will spend time with family too if I can, it always makes my children happy and it's nice to have another adult to talk to.

I hate soft play too. I also admittedly sometimes have days and evenings when I'm so knackered/overstimulated with work and life stuff, admin and stress that parenting feels uber hard (but to be fair so does everything else, just shattered and want a duvet day and to be left alone). I'm the main earner too and work long, after DC goes to bed regularly.

I would say discuss with your DH what he may want to do with DD that perhaps isn't all about kids play. For example, DC and I cook together, tidy up, go to the shops. We read together a lot. We talk about stuff, they are wicked at this age (same as mine). I think he needs to find their common groove IYSWIM. Tbh I only like to play with Lego, maybe do a puzzle. The rest I try to set up for DC and leave them to it, I find it boring. But my DH is the opposite, so he can focus on that, whereas my niche is doing more practical activities with DC.

Sorry, but you chose man who is a crap father. Age has nothing to do with it. He won't change. Make your choice.

It’s not his age it’s his attitude that’s the problem.

If he doesn’t like soft play why doesn’t he take her swimming or teach her to ride a bike or show her round a classic car museum or build an amazing Lego tower with her?

if bathtime is boring why doesn’t he download some music to play or read her a story in the bath?

What a huge shame he is missing out on helping his little girl enjoy time with her dad. I doted on my dad - he taught me how to saw planks, how to listen to classical music, and how to enjoy historical houses and watching cricket. Things HE loved so he could pass on his passions to me. I treasure the memories of my time with my dad.

You can't excuse shitty parenting with his age. He chose to have a child he can choose to step up and take responsibility.

THIS!!

@froglet45 I absolutely would not stand for this - my DH would be getting the riot act. He doesn't get to choose to opt out. His interaction with her is shaping her world, her childhood memories and her relationship with a key parent. There are lots of times where parenting is unrelenting, boring or difficult. Tough shit, you brought them into the world, you get on with it. He needs an absolute reality check and his arse handing to him - she will pick up on his resentment of her and then what?

I feel the same about my DH parenting. And we have three. He's looked after them for years but he treats everything as a confrontation. Just lectures and yelling and threats. Also does absolutely heaps with them, teaches them amazing skills. I just don't know why we have to have this drill sergeant attitude. As if they're serfs.

This sounds like my friend’s husband. Similar age as well. He has opted out of all parenting and all the women in his life pander to him so he doesn’t have to do anything.

My friend isn’t able to do anything significant, she can’t go away with friends or decide to go out for the evening as he huffs and puffs even though the kids are older.

It’d be a deal breaker for me, it’s hardly an attractive trait.

I was thinking similarly. Pretend he's a babysitter, prepare activities, foods, write a list of approx times to play, eat, nap, toilet etc. Review it with him and leave them alone a few hours. Keep extending times until he's confident.

I'd tell him you know he's lacking in parenting skills but you also know he loves his child and can become a capable loving fun father. He needs to get down on her level and do age appropriate things with her, if they get some pleasant time alone I hope you'll see him step up to the task.

Send them to a childrens movie, have him take her to a park or a forest walk, simple activities 1-2 hours to start. Ask him to spend more time with her while you're all home, do things you normally do ie bathe her, get her ready for bed, read to her.

If you're doing the bulk of child rearing its unfair for everyone.

I was going to say same @SummerInSun. Forget the child specific activities like soft play and just do whatever his hobbies are with dd in tow or her helping. The problem is if he’s doing nothing just wanting to watch tv.

Unless DD has additional needs which means taking in a more intensive version of parenting, I have no idea how someone could find a 4 year old girl impossible to look after.

Also he is not that old. Yes older, but hardly pensioner age. And also young enough to understand that we don’t live in the 1950s where your wife picks up all of the childcare.

Im not suprised you’re getting turned off. I would sit him down and be really blunt about all of this and ask him to step up and sort himself out because the longer he goes on like this, the longer he will think that it’s acceptable.

He's a selfish loser that lied about wanting a child.
I feel most sorry for your daughter who is stuck with such a grump oik.
You don't want to leave him so you will have to suck it up.
Men like him do become deeply unattractive for sure.
How big is the age gap?
Get through primary school as best you can and divorce him.
He will only get worse.
Retirement with him, will be deeply miserable.
Get out of this before he retires.

Is he a first-time dad? How much time does he spend with her in general - does he know her interests, what she enjoys etc?

I don't think it's an age thing, as my DH is late 40s and while he's definitely lazier than me when it comes to our 3yo and if I'm there I do most things with her, he can look after her perfectly fine when I'm out. He spends a lot of time with her through the week as he works from home a lot and she is home one day a week with me so he knows what she likes to do and what she's interested in, and they have a good bond so can have a nice day together.