Disappointed with dh parenting

[froglet45]

Situation is I have an older child from previous marriage who lives with us primarily but spends EOW and a night here and there at her dads. Dh and I also have a 4 year old dd together. Dh is an older dad. He was late forties when she was born and now in his early fifties.

Dh works full time and is the main provider but I do everything for dd4. Every bath and bedtime, every play date, day out, holiday, party is organised by me. Dh struggles with her. Overall she’s well behaved but does have tantrums and can be full on and demanding at times. This week I had a work event which meant I had to go in on one of my days off. When I got in Dh was totally mardy, pissed off and it was clear he’d not coped well with dd. He said she’d been a nightmare but he hadn’t done anything with her. Granted the weather was poor but even getting paints and play doh out for her seems like too much trouble.

I know his age will get brought into this but he wanted a baby. I also know I’ll probably be blamed for choosing to have kids with a useless dad but how do you know what kind of a dad he’ll be until you actually have a baby! I don’t want to separate and split up our family, I couldn’t manage alone and it wouldn’t solve this problem anyway. But I have to admit my feelings towards him are fading and I’m become resentful at how pathetic he is at times. He gets grumpy, ranty, he doesn’t go out with friends so it’s not like he has any better places to be.

I suppose I just need some tips on how to address with him in a non accusatory way. I think I should ask him to do more so that he gets used to it but equally I don’t like leaving them if I know I’ll come back and find them both stressed and pissed off. I’m supposed to be going away on a hen doo for 2 nights later in the year and I can’t actually visualise leaving him to cope for that long, how bad is that?

I agree that ideally he needs to hear this.

He no doubt thinks that women are supposed to do the donkey work, probably has no desire whatsoever for that set up to change as it suits him nicely. I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to make you feel bad for asking him to step up.

I experienced similar. I failed to get him to change. I did, and still do, resent him and it did contribute to the failure of our marriage.

Something I'm understanding in therapy is that I functioned as the emotional shock absorber as a child and in my marriage. I learned to minimise, even negate my needs. I only found my voice in my 40s. My needs were very inconvenient for my ex.

Please find your voice. Please trust your gut. Please look after your interests and those of your daughter.

You don't have to bear the emotional load your husband refuses to carry.

I'm not saying LTB and I don't know your circumstances, but please put things in place so that you are able to leave him if he doesn't shape up.

This.

Shame is the only way I've found.

In an ideal world youd do what @Furlane said and he'd change but in lieu of that... you want to weigh up your options and accommodate it or leave.

@InveterateWineDrinker Can I just point out that I had my only baby at 45. Despite being female I'd held a baby precisely once before ds arrived, I'd never played with a child, never done bath or bed, never heard of soft play etc. I had literally zero experience.

That did not mean I was incapable of looking things up on the internet, buying a babycare book etc. nor did I try to offload the care of our child on someone else.

Any man can cope just as well. There is nothing stopping him asking for advice. Any claim of helplessness is an excuse.

At least he isn't having to do it while dealing with stitches or a C-section scar.

I'd start with getting a babysitter for an afternoon, go somewhere nice and relaxing and have a long conversation about your relationship, values and expectations. You need to tell him how you feel or your marriage will fail before you give him the chance to change.

Any man can cope just as well. There is nothing stopping him asking for advice. Any claim of helplessness is an excuse.

Absolutely this!

It's a choice.

My brother is 52 and is the main carer for his 13 month old. It’s not his age!

My ex was older when DD was born (46) but he was very hands on when he was around. Being good during pregnancy and early years was probably his only redeeming quality.

Any chance your DH is one of those that wanted a child just for the sake of having one/saying he did it but never actually considered if the truly wanted one?

Thank you for validating what I was arguing on a different thread last week that the bar for men is so pathetically low. Do you know how many women single parent and work full time and still manage to engage positively with their child? Can I do fuck all with my kids and be told it's enough because I bring the money in? No? Thought not.

Why don’t you start small, so get her ready for bed and suggest he reads to her, with silly funny voices so they can build up a relationship based more on fun and enjoyment

Pump up his over inflated ego say you are much better at voices or something

baked the sponges of a cake and let them decorate it

that sort of thing

Has he ever tried doing the things he does like to do with her, or is he falling into the trap of thinking that as she is a girl, she will only want to do “girl” things like play with dolls? Eg if he likes cars or military stuff, take her to a car show or army museum? If he likes football, play football with her and get her watching a bit on TV with him while he explains the rules and about the players? If he likes DIY take her to the hardware store to buy bits for a project, if he likes computer gaming, make him responsible for researching some age appropriate games they can play together, etc. They need to build a connection and find activities they both enjoy.

Unfortunately, you can't make a man grow up or become responsible. You've already decided you're in a place where you have to put up with this, so all you can really do is take responsibility for spoonfeeding him in the hopes of minimising the impact on your child. And by spoonfeeding, I mean, have a list on the fridge of activities DD likes and favourite foods. Make sure he also has the contact details for other parents (with their permission) to arrange playdates. If you go out for an entire day or evening, arrange the schedule for your DH and DD beforehand e.g. precook meals and put them in the fridge; set up a blanket and pillows in the bedroom for them to make a fort with; put out playdough in one area and craft or paints, paper, brushes etc., in another; have her favourite tv shows/movies favourited under your/DDs profile (if you use a streaming platform); set up a reading corner with comfy pillows and two books. It's not a great way to live, but it is what it is.

It was pretty much the same for me.

I think what we're describing is the difference between conscious incompetence and unconscious incompetence!

Sorry, this is making me so fucking angry!

Why, why, why do women have to always do the fucking work for men? Make it easier for them?

We had to learn too! The single mums can't check out!

If they can learn how to do things to advance their Big Careers and excell in their manly hobbies, they obviously don't lack the ability!

What you’re describing is pure selfishness rather than any inability to do things focussed on children. “He has no interest in any child centred activity” - that’s selfishness right there, he doesn’t have any interest in activities that don’t centre him, that are for someone else’s benefit.

Thats awful.

I do agree with pps who have suggested the calm conversation setting out what needs to be done.

He needs to know that he had to put the effort in to looking after her - go out somewhere with her, do some activities - to then have the benefit of a calm child. This is why the longer periods are key. He’s not just having to hang on and get to the end of the time, so that you will return how and pick up the slack, he’s having to invest a bit of time and energy into making the day enjoyable.

A tiny child isn’t just going to happily entertain herself so that he doesn’t have to put himself out at all.

My exh was a bit like this. It would be literally “hang on in there” until I got back, with no interest in moving through the normal routine (if in the evening ) or making sure the daytime was active and enjoyable so that I came back to kids in the right frame of mind for evening.

If he could make them nap during any time he had them he would, even if that threw the rest of the day out completely.

The age is a red herring.

So what he is in his 50s my dad is 64 and was so hands on when I was a child - even though he worked full time, he believes that all fathers should be.

Don't accept it. If he wants to stay married he needs to pull his finger out. How much he financially contributes is irrelevant.

He is an old parent. Old dog needs to learn new tricks.
He will be hopeless until he decides to learn to parent.
He needs instruction, encouragement and ready prompts.

Take advantage of all the free and reasonably priced parenting classes offered or advertised through your local council, Kinder or school.

Impress on DH that the most important things are safety, patience and kindness. Equip him with practical ideas.
Does the child need? .. sleep, water, food, clean nappy, affection and hugs, interactive play.

It's nothing to do with his age. We adopted in our early to mid 40s and DH has always been a hands on dad - kids grown up now.

Unless he is intellectually challenged (or a lazy, selfish misogynist), surely he can work this out for himself?

Does he need such explicit instructions at work, I wonder? Or to pay bills? Do DIY? Look after the garden?

Is this for him or the child? Jeeeeeeez

This is weponised incompetence.
He may need help and instruction but he can find a whole heap of this out there without expecting his partner to instruct him on the very basics of being a parent. He has no interest in being a great childminder to his child so I he is putting in zero effort.
My approach to this tends to be scorched earth so maybe I’m not going to give balanced advice.

You married a traditional, old-fashioned man. You either accept it or leave him and be a single mom again.

Christ alive… read to them both with puppets - “this is how you parent, chapter 1…”

It's not the same as he's her df and should know what dd's routine etc is like but I recently looked after my gd who's almost 2 and I found it helpful for my dd to write out a rough schedule.

£100 says he has absolutely no problems learning things he needs to do for his job or his hobby, can google, plan, execute, troubleshoot, flex and succeed in areas of interest to him or that serve his needs… anyone wanna bet? 💴