Disappointed with dh parenting

[froglet45]

Situation is I have an older child from previous marriage who lives with us primarily but spends EOW and a night here and there at her dads. Dh and I also have a 4 year old dd together. Dh is an older dad. He was late forties when she was born and now in his early fifties.

Dh works full time and is the main provider but I do everything for dd4. Every bath and bedtime, every play date, day out, holiday, party is organised by me. Dh struggles with her. Overall she’s well behaved but does have tantrums and can be full on and demanding at times. This week I had a work event which meant I had to go in on one of my days off. When I got in Dh was totally mardy, pissed off and it was clear he’d not coped well with dd. He said she’d been a nightmare but he hadn’t done anything with her. Granted the weather was poor but even getting paints and play doh out for her seems like too much trouble.

I know his age will get brought into this but he wanted a baby. I also know I’ll probably be blamed for choosing to have kids with a useless dad but how do you know what kind of a dad he’ll be until you actually have a baby! I don’t want to separate and split up our family, I couldn’t manage alone and it wouldn’t solve this problem anyway. But I have to admit my feelings towards him are fading and I’m become resentful at how pathetic he is at times. He gets grumpy, ranty, he doesn’t go out with friends so it’s not like he has any better places to be.

I suppose I just need some tips on how to address with him in a non accusatory way. I think I should ask him to do more so that he gets used to it but equally I don’t like leaving them if I know I’ll come back and find them both stressed and pissed off. I’m supposed to be going away on a hen doo for 2 nights later in the year and I can’t actually visualise leaving him to cope for that long, how bad is that?

What does he like to do? Any hobbies? He could take her to a park for an hour (even if the weather isn't perfect). Swimming. A walk with a scooter to feed ducks. Walk to a shop to buy a comic. They could watch sport together. Drawing. Play music. Lego. He probably needs lists and instructions, sadly, but then leave them to it. Even if they both whinge a bit.

I'd give him a chance. Mention in passing what works for you - "if we go out in the morning DC is much calmer playing by herself in the afternoon", "she's so shouty after watching Boj, I much prefer to stick the gruffalo on while I get tea ready". Then start being less available. The first couple of times I left DH alone for a couple of hours with toddler DC1 it was a chaotic and stressful experience for him. But you only get to hone these skills in battle. If you are the "default parent" it will be easier for you as it's familiar, you know what works/what doesn't for your child. Remember you had (presumably) maternity leave to adjust and learn the ropes, but he probably only got a few weeks of paternity. Hours spent on the job really do matter. The downside to not being the default parent is that when you have to step up, the learning curve is much steeper.

DH found female-heavy environments heavy going (playgroups, library rhymetime, soft play, swimming lessons), so found his own things to do (non-lesson swimming, playgrounds, walks in the woods, public transport expeditions, museums). Perhaps the m/f balance has improved in the last 15-20 years, but that's another thing to consider.

If he doesn't step up, then you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.

Would he be open to couples counselling. I think you can gently share what your hopes were for parenthood and ask him what his were. Talk about what you love about her and what you find challenging. His own childhood experiences may also be relevant. If he's not open to change though I couldn't put up with this.

First post??

Tell him what to do. He clearly needs it. He can't possibly think for himself. You know, a 50 year old man, a father. He needs direction. But I bet at work he's shit hot at decision making, proactivity, initiation.

But at home? No.

And it's so incredibly off putting.

That's just what I was thinking 👏👏 he needs to find activities he enjoys that are also 4 year old friendly and go from there.

He will be exhausted at that age with a 4 year old. Cut him some slack. My next door neighbours are that age and watch their grandchild aged 3, twice a week and she's telling me it's absolutely knackering at that age and they are going to have to cut it to 1 day

“He is turning into a grumpy old man and it’s deeply unattractive”

It could be to do with his testosterone levels. It decreases massively at this age and affects their mood and energy levels among other things. Ask him to do a blood test.

Are you saying you couldn't learn how to wean your child any other way except being part of a baby group?

You also realise that mothers get sent information because they have signed up to such resources which are available to any and all parents.

There are numerous books that fathers can obtain from libraries

Why are you blaming women for your lack of child development education?

I'm dealing with the same thing only my husband is my age and he was the one that pushed for having kids. It's infuriating. I know I should just leave dd with him more but I can't cope with knowing how bad the parenting will be. He either has his nose stuck in a phone or trying to be some sort of victorian disciplinarian.
He works very hard (14 hr days) and earns a lot so I can see why he doesn't feel up to the challenge of a 2yo but it's so sad that she's growing up without the kind of father figure I thought he'd be. I can't offer much advice, just solidarity. I know when I try to guide my dh, he sees it as micromanagement or an insult so it's easier just to do things myself for her sake, if nothing else.

Never met anyone who enjoys going to the germ factory (softplay) and not shocked he don’t want to go.
Is he differing with mh issues as you say it’s not like it has anything else to do?

If you always do everything how will he learn?

start by giving them a dad and dd day every week he does one evening a week and one weekend day a month and then increase it monthly.

if he says he doesn’t know get him a book and leave him to figure it out. Unless he is dangerous being grumpy and not taking her anywhere doesn’t mean you can’t go away.

that is how they win. Be shit so you sacrifice anytime for yourself to do what they should. Don’t be a bloody martyr

I always push back a bit on the idea of "weaponised incompetence", especially when people say "well how does he manage at work?".

Because I think that many of the tedious overdone systems that have been built to manage work have been made for men, who aren't as good at microtasking (as opposed to multitasking).

My husband isn't intuitive as me with our son. He simply has less ability to read the room and follow an unwritten, memorised procedure that gets himself and our son out and about in good order in the same way I can. My son can tell this is the case, and acts up because he knows that something is off about his routine care, even if he couldn't define what.

But guess what? He sucks it up and makes the effort anyway in his infuriatingly slow and faffy way, with an annoyed child who is asking for me. Because it's his job to do half the parenting.

Dear OP,
As other posters have said, he needs to build confidence and resilience, but I do also think a sharp home truth can sometimes be helpful to jolt someone out of their own perspective.

My DP is 56, our daughter is 3.
Like you, I am the default parent, but over the last 6 months I have really made DP up his game.
Our daughter is a joy! She communicates clearly, she has her moments but on the whole she is reasonable, she is 99% potty trained with just the occasional accident if she's busy and forgets, she is happy to go with the flow, and there is nothing that little kid could do to make his life easier.
So I started handing over the reins. Literally and metaphorically!
I started telling DP what needed doing i.e. "L would like to do some painting this morning, can you please set it up for her and help?" then leave him to it. If he forgets to put her apron on, he can wash her clothes. If she knocks the water over, he can wipe it up. He doesn't and didn't need me as much as he thought he did.

And sure, like all of us, he has his days where he just CBA. I get that. I have days where we have an hour of Bluey rather than one episode too! But I've been making it clear that we both chose to bring this beautiful little girl into existence and we both owe her our time and our focus and that begins now, not when she's old enough to go to gigs, watch foreign films, go for a run, and take an interest in whatever other hobbies DP understands!

Good luck OP! Xx

You might actually find that the more he he starts doing, the more emotionally involved he'll become. You know that thing of how it can feel a bit tiresome sometimes looking after someone else's kid (eg niece, nephew) before you yourself are a parent, and you're quite relieved to hand them back? ...but with your own kid you're that bit more invested? Well, I reckon uninvolved dads are a bit like that, but then the more they put in the more they get into it.
Those dads (I speak from my own experience) are so used to the mums being responsible overall that they remain checked-out. But give them a bit more responsibility and they start to get more into it and more for themselves out of it.
I know how deeply unattractive they are though!
So fingers crossed your Hen Do away will actually force him to become a better dad.
x

You're right. She asked for help, not me venting about shit men. Point taken.

However, while I get that activities outside the home may sometimes be more geared up for women, that in no way prevents fathers from taking an interest in their own child's needs and development, and wanting to play an active role in that when they are at home at least. Or building a relationship.

As my kids got older (teens) my ex used to complain that they never told him anything about their lives.

My answer: Do you ask them? Show an interest, even when what they're into bores you (computers, mangas & anime)? Actually listen?

He didn't.

And that's the risk here.

Fathers who see their role as merely providers end up becoming cheque books and not much more.

One of my dc even said to me not so long ago that he felt I may as well have been a single mum for all the input from his Dad. I quote: "He knows nothing about me. Nothing about my life. And he doesn't care."

I corrected him on the last point because I know he does love them, deeply. He just doesn't show it. But I felt so bad for my dc. Imagine how that feels.

1000% with you on this.

Just speaking from my own experience - it wasn't so much to help DP, it was to make sure my DD was getting the best from him.

Any other thing in the world, I could have left him to it without all the hand holding and trying to make sure he worked to improve, and if he fucked it up, so be it.

My labour and my patience was for my daughter's benefit.

I think the age thing is a factor. I know people point out hearty individuals who are energetic in old age and my own grandfather was still having children in his sixties. (He had easily more than a dozen children altogether but I am fairly sure he wasn't hands on with regard to childcare.) My children are adults but the thought of dealing with a four year old in my fifties would fill me with horror. And then there are the teen years to look forward to in his sixties. It does seem obvious that family life wasn't quite what he thought it was going to be. I mean it is very difficult to predict how things will go. I had particularly challenging children and motherhood in the early years was very difficult and not what I thought I had signed up for either. What was his idea of how things were going to be? It may be that he doesn't actually have much idea of how to entertain children or interact with them. Can you perhaps set out some activity for them to do - like paints or crayons and paper for drawing or some picture books she likes for reading together?

Unless he is in ill health mentally or physically I can't see how this is anything to do with his age. There are grandparents in their 70s even older who regularly care for their grandchildren & love it. We all get tired and frustrated at times coping with children despite our age but to complain in respect of what you expect him to help with is ridiculous. You need to sit down & have a serious chat with him & come to an agreement regarding his responsibilities, especially when you also work outside of the home.

Well stop doing everything for her and get him to step up.

He does a set amount of bath and bed times
Cooking for you all
She will get used to him around and be better

He is using weaponised incompetence to not do anything

Shit parents of all ages exist so I’ll try not to blame his age too much but I don’t think it’s irrelevant either. He’s lived the vast majority of his life- well into middle age without responsibilities so it must be difficult to suddenly have a child. Kids are testing, he’s getting on a bit and is probably knackered. Honestly couldn’t imagine anything worse than becoming a parent for the first time in my late 40s.

That aside, maybe suggest parenting courses. He clearly needs some support but that onus shouldn’t be on you since you do pretty much everything as it is.

This is true, and the slow changes of male hormones are not often acknowledged/talked about/frequently ridiculed, BUT it DOESN'T turn you into a poor father. In this case, I suspect that has always been there.

@froglet45 he doesn't want to do it. He clearly didn't realise what having a child involved and doesn't like it now he has one. If he doesn't want to do a fair share of childcare and is bad at in anyway he needs to do much more of the grunt work for the household to balance things out. But if he's a grumpy git now he will probably only get worse unfortunately.

Your husband isn’t a parent he’s a sperm doner! You literally do all the parenting for your child so if he left they wouldn’t notice!

Well, since you asked I had done all the reading about weaning but had never had the opportunity to ask questions and talk it through with people who had actual experience of it. And when I tried to take up that opportunity I was pushed away for no other reason than being a man. I became inured to it very quickly, but for other fathers only occasionally involved in things like that, when they keep getting pushed away they eventually get the message.

The communications to which I was referring are things like letters from health visitors, from the school, from the GP - all things which in my case I have repeatedly asked them to send to me directly until I am blue in the face because I am the only one who is going to respond, but they still insist on sending to the mother only. Fortunately my wife just passes everything to me, but I know full well that many don't and I know equally well that there are some wives who actively keep such things from their husbands, in exactly the same way as a man might opt out of sharing info about, say, finances.

Parenting resources only ever went to me, because I signed up to them.

I have raised two DCs while my wife pursued her Very Important Career and often went days at a time without seeing them awake. I don't know where you get that I'm blaming women for lacking anything in my parenting toolkit. I'm merely pointing out that there are a multitude of reasons why some fathers are unable to play an equal role in parenthood, and a big part of it is that parenthood is sometimes very mother-centric in a way that isn't obvious from the outside until you're trying to get in.

Not strictly true. He can and does look after her if needed. I wouldn’t be able to work the hours I work or ever go out alone if he wasn’t around. We have no other help.

But I’m frustrated at his attitude, lack of patience and disinterest in doing things with her.