Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

[Bricayak]

We live about 3 hours from MIL, currently have a 2 year old and a 5 month baby. We make the journey to see her every couple of months and usually stay. She comes here maybe twice a year.

She prefers to ‘meet halfway’ but the trouble is, by ‘halfway’ she means a place she wants to visit that’s 2 hours from us and 1.5 hours from her. She also wants to bring her dog and go for a walk. In the spring or summer the walking thing is better, but in this miserable cold it’s not so good. It’s the sort of place that’s not got anything for kids - just a cafe and places to walk.

When our eldest was small we did this a few times and it worked okay because we could put her in the carrier and do a nice walk but going for a walk now is just hard work because the baby needs carrying and the toddler is either walking mega slow to look at things (inevitably meaning DH and MIL march off ahead leaving me behind) or I have to carry her.

The forecast this time is barely above freezing and wet. We’ve been relentlessly ill with nursery bugs and I’m just getting over a chest infection.

AIBU to just really not want to do this ‘meet halfway’ thing?

I feel like if MIL wants to see us she should make the effort to come and see us or at least accept she should travel the lions share and/ or to a place that’s actually good for the kids because 4 hours in the car to do something they won’t enjoy just doesn’t feel fair on them at the best of times, but especially when none of us are well.

For context MIL enjoys driving and visiting places and will happily drive 3 hours to visit somewhere and then back in a day but she would also be more than welcome to stay with us if she came here.

YANBU. How does your DH feel? Personally, I’d sit this one out in your position and let him go alone if he and she don’t want to change plans.

Let your husband meet her halfway. You stay home in the warmth

Are there alternative half way locations that would be more child friendly that you could suggest? Have you suggested them?

If you've never suggested meeting elsewhere then she isn't a mind reader and won't know you aren't happy with it.

"Would be great to see you Linda but the weather and the children's ages make a walk unsuitable currently. Why don't we meet at Bloomsville Farm Park? It has lots for the kids to enjoy including indoors in the barn if it rains hard and there is a nice cafe on site for a coffee and cake"

Just suggest you meet at a NT place half way.

Gosh, stop being a pushover.
Hopefully your DH agrees and you can do more to get MIL to visit you at yours.

Otherwise, start doing your own research about places more suitable for kids and a pub lunch.

I do this using various Google searches for kid friendly places with animals’ petting corners or activities and it works well.

research somewhere more suitable for next time but this time stay home. its reasonable to say you have all been poorly and if then she wants to see the kids so much she can come to you

No you’re not unreasonable at all.

You said your husband and MIL walk ahead and leave you with the kids. Does she make much effort with them?

what has your husband said?

tbh in your shoes I’d say to my husband that a 4 hour round trip to go for a walk in the damp cold isn’t fun for a toddler (and that is before we factor in judgment from others when trying to contain a toddler in a cafe), and that we either:

1. choose a location/activity;
2. MIL comes here;
3. or he goes on his own particularly as if I were being left to left on deal with the kids alone.

Mix it up a bit. Find a more child friendly place somewhere with a playground, you can stay with toddler, and MIL and DH and take the baby and dog for a walk. Next time you stay at home with baby and DH takes the toddler to meet MIL. Then she comes to you.

Whereabouts do you usually meet up, could you give us a vague idea and we could give suggestions?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. For sure, meeting up in the summer for a walk with the dog etc, stopping at a cafe for a cuppa would be lovely.

Winter, no way! Not that it will harm anyone, it's just miserable!! Why are you not meeting somewhere indoors? Nice country pub that allows children? If it's just because she wants to bring the dog then she is the one being unreasonable.

I’ve said YANBU but I don’t think your MIL is either.

Have you suggested other places to meet halfway? The travel times that you mentioned sound even enough to me so I’m not sure why you said it as if she’d suggested somewhere that was half an hour from her but 3 hours from you - 30 mins difference if neither here nor there as the chances are there’s nothing exactly and hour and a half from you both that’s worth meeting at.

If you have suggested other places (actually said specific places not just “can we meet somewhere else”) and she’s said no, without a legitimate reason, then she is being UR. But if you (you or your husband) have never done the research and found alternative places to suggest then you are the one being UR.

Given the weather I’m sure she’d understand if you said you either want to postpone til the spring or find somewhere different.

One thing, you said she’s happy to drive long distances - what does she say when you invite her to come visit you? Do you think it could be that she doesn’t want to stay over and thinks you’ll be offended? Is it because if she comes to you you stay in and don’t go anywhere/do anything? There must be a reason she doesn’t want to drive to you if she’ll happily do that distance for a day trip elsewhere!

If she's generally a nice woman but hasn't considered that this arrangement isn't so good for you now, can you just say as much? "The kids don't do well with the long journey or the chilly walk - at least while it's still cold and wet, shall we say either you come to us or we go to you?"

For this visit, nope.

For future visits, mix it up with different venues, and also tell your husband to stop absconding responsibility with the toddler.

But a walk in the fresh air is very much an activity for a toddler!

Take it in turns to make the entire journey.
Or DH goes with both children and you stay home.

Don't do it in the bad weather
Have a catch up on A video call instead..

It won't hurt. You don't need to continually see people all the time.
Wait until the better weather.

Can't you say something like, oh i will wait till the better weather to come, let your Dh take the toddler and you stay at home, do you think she might find your visits to much that is why she wants to meet you ?

Yes all of this.

I would simply tell your husband that he can take the toddler [if toddler is well enough to go] but that you need to stay at home and recover from your chest infection. But looking after two small children is not happening while he goes out for the day for a walk with his mum while you are unwell. She can come to you all, while he does the bulk of the hosting.

And man up and find suitable locations that work for your family for the next time.

Thanks everyone. I have suggested alternatives to my husband who is arranging it with her. I’m not sure what the conversation between them has been about it and he’s asked me to stop mentioning it. Not sure what that means.

To answer a few points - the trouble with lots of farm park type places is many don’t allow dogs. I agree a walk in the spring or summer is something that can work for everyone but just not in this weather and when I’ve been ill.

I’m not sure why she doesn’t like to come here, I think it’s probably because she doesn’t like the county where we are as much as she likes heading westwards which has more interesting scenery.

She doesn’t engage with the toddler a huge amount, is more interested in the baby as she prefers them sitting on her lap quietly rather than playing which obviously toddlers aren’t so good at!

She reacts quite negatively if she doesn’t get her way so tbh I suspect DH hasn’t spoken to her about it and is now thinking it’s easiest to upset me than her. I appreciate that’s a him problem more than her fault.

If his mum is difficult he has probably had a lifetime navigating her "quirks", it is fine for you not to get wrapped up in it, let your husband deal with her and if a walk in the cold and wet isn't for you let them get on with it, he can take 1 or both children.

I think that’s exactly it!

Baby can’t go without me because he’s breastfed and I know I’ll be the baddie for ‘stopping her seeing him’ if I keep him home but I’m feeling like that might be the best option.

It is cold you haven't been well baby needs milk, let your Dh deal with it.

In that case tell her you're not feeling up to a walk in the cold so she has the option of see DH and toddler on the walk or see you all at your house.

That sounds bloody miserable for you!
I agree, I’d tell DH that he can take the older child, or else you go somewhere more child friendly/MIL comes to you.

There’s quite a lot to unpack in this I think!

Meeting half way is fine in principle, but I do think she needs to be flexible about where you meet - somewhere that’s friendly to your family as well as her dog! Surely she doesn’t need to bring the dog every time either?

The current occasion when you’re ill, I think your DH should go with the kids on his own.

The worst thing about all this is the marching off ahead leaving you with the baby and toddler, that is simply not on and you need to have a stern word with your DH about it. My exh was terrible for that marching off thing - always with some excuse that I was somehow to blame for toddlers and small children being slower than adult marching pace! It became a big issue in the marriage. He’d also sometimes insist on pushing the buggy when we had our second and would march off ahead of me and DC1 with the buggy that had all our belongings on it!

I think compromise is key here, but also making your DH realise that the marching off is not ok

Edit - he just takes DC1 whilst you’re ill, as I see you’re bfing from the update. MIL surely can’t reasonably complain about this and if she does, so what?

Can’t understand why your dh marches ahead surely in these situations you take a child each. He can carry a 2 year in a backpack carrier. he’d then soon be the one suggesting shorter walks.