Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

[Bricayak]

We live about 3 hours from MIL, currently have a 2 year old and a 5 month baby. We make the journey to see her every couple of months and usually stay. She comes here maybe twice a year.

She prefers to ‘meet halfway’ but the trouble is, by ‘halfway’ she means a place she wants to visit that’s 2 hours from us and 1.5 hours from her. She also wants to bring her dog and go for a walk. In the spring or summer the walking thing is better, but in this miserable cold it’s not so good. It’s the sort of place that’s not got anything for kids - just a cafe and places to walk.

When our eldest was small we did this a few times and it worked okay because we could put her in the carrier and do a nice walk but going for a walk now is just hard work because the baby needs carrying and the toddler is either walking mega slow to look at things (inevitably meaning DH and MIL march off ahead leaving me behind) or I have to carry her.

The forecast this time is barely above freezing and wet. We’ve been relentlessly ill with nursery bugs and I’m just getting over a chest infection.

AIBU to just really not want to do this ‘meet halfway’ thing?

I feel like if MIL wants to see us she should make the effort to come and see us or at least accept she should travel the lions share and/ or to a place that’s actually good for the kids because 4 hours in the car to do something they won’t enjoy just doesn’t feel fair on them at the best of times, but especially when none of us are well.

For context MIL enjoys driving and visiting places and will happily drive 3 hours to visit somewhere and then back in a day but she would also be more than welcome to stay with us if she came here.

I think meeting halfway is fine. We do this with MIL as we are not able to visit her at her house (that’s another thread 🙄). But when you have children who are toddlers, long rainy walks aren’t really doable. Book a day at a children’s farm or NT or go to a cafe and a playground or a museum. She leaves the dog at home. Don’t give her other options. Also half the time, send Dh on his own. He will be much more likely to set firm boundaries when he’s wrangling two small children on a muddy footpath in 50mph winds all alone.

I know that I want to be at home when recovering, not going outside especially. Glad she took the suggestion to visit instead.

Hope she's the type to send you to bed with a hot lemon drink and take over the house for a day.

I don't understand the vitriol against your MIL here. Does she even know you feel this way?

On this occasion you are getting over a chest infection so you aren't unreasonable to not want to do the usual thing. But in general a walk and a cafe is a lovely thing - you say the toddler likes looking at things etc. It's much nicer than soft play! I hated being cooped up indoors when mine were small and thought a walk was perfect (my in laws don't leave the front room lol). We are all different but maybe she doesn't realise you hate it? I don't think it can be said it's not good for the kids either ... a fresh air walk is generally a great thing for children assuming they are dressed well. Most kids enjoy being in nature and don't always need a million activities laid on. And a couple of hours in the car is fine either side of that.

I also think it's a big green flag that your OH takes time for his mum. There's nothing at all to suggest he's a mummies boy as some people have implied. It's every couple of months. And it's his family. You might be the MIL one day. People seem to forget that.

I would be happy with the walk and cafe with toddler/baby in winter just wrap up warm it’s a perfect toddler activity in my mind but if you are all sick I would cancel altogether. However I wouldn’t be happy with either them walking off without you guys or meeting half way if that halfway was a 2 hour drive each way for you! Does it not totally mess up nap times/bedtimes for the toddler? While you have toddlers and babies I think it’s fine to be more demanding on what works. I’m learning that at the moment as when SIL had her young children we always traveled to her, now we are having to make sure it’s fair to us during this phase too, same with PILs.

my parents are 3 hours away. I go there every 2/3 months but stay for most of the week as the drive is an mega effort with kids, no way would they suggest meeting halfway for a couple of hours unless it was a specific event we all wanted to go to and even then I would have to really really want to go to deal with the driving, definitely not just a walk and coffee I could do locally anyway!

The issue is that a family with young children are inconvenienced every time. MIL only has to drive an hour to a place she wants to go and throws a tantrum if others say no. She always gets her way. OP’s DH is in a bad mood after talking to his mum so I guess that MIL had a rant about OP to him.

Look for a soft play centre an hour away from you, two hours for her. Tell her you’re all under the weather or run down and can meet at this specific soft play centre but wouldnt be up for anything more. Time to take the lead with locations.

I love doing this with mine. Saves a whole weekend so just takes one day out of it and less hours having to watch myself so I don’t slap her 😂

Jesus this brings back (bad) memories.
The arguments I had like this with my dh!!!!
💐💐💐💐

You have a dh problem and honestly.... the general mn advice of "let him deal with his family" falls down on things like this.

My 2p.... I was fully prepared to die on this hill.

Mil now comes to us for 2 nights 🙄 or we do a 1 hr max drive. This happens approx 4-5 times per year.
Kids are now 2 and 3.5.
We have finished arguing about it.
I am happy.

Good hes done the right thing.
Let him be fucked off.

And dont revert to doormat status.

I have been known to go over his head and directly message your MIL id send it on a group WA and let the chips fall where they may.

Dh now does deal with her and things are less tense it took a long time though

Well done on the update.

you really do need to start setting boundaries on future days out. In 2 years time your dc will be 4 and 2 and dog friendly meet ups for walks will be really difficult especially over the winter and as you’ve pointed out child friendly places for that age do not tend to be child friendly. Mil is going to have to be more flexible with either not always bringing the dog or realising long adult speed walks are no longer appropriate.

I agree with her that sometimes the dc will have to suck it up and go for a walk with granny, in the summer, but granny is going to have to adapt her expectations and not every time or they will absolutely resent her and not want to go.

Good woman.
As a mother this won't be the last time you will have to push back.

Him still being pissed off with you IS a problem.
I would say to him " I have noted that you are still pissed off with me for putting MY health and the well being of our children first, this does not bode well for our future as a family, that I am the only parent doing this".

Good men don't remain pissed off because they had to man up to protect their family.

He's a man child, and weak, and that is so unattractive.

As for you, saying NO is like a muscle, start using it regularly, and it will get so much easier.

But be very careful of him.
A man who would rather put his ill wife and small children through that, doesn't truly love and care for them.

What's easiest for him is his priority, and that makes him flakey, and not to be depended upon.

Hope you feel better soon.

Husband can take children to visit mother. You can have a break.

Why is mil so needy! She must understand a baby comes first. DH is being a pushover too. I’d ask to wait for better weather and DH can go off for a mum day in the cold and wet. He’s obviously got defensive about it, hence closing the discussion down. I guess DM is lonely? I’d have her to stay a bit more and cut down the halfway visits.