Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

[Bricayak]

We live about 3 hours from MIL, currently have a 2 year old and a 5 month baby. We make the journey to see her every couple of months and usually stay. She comes here maybe twice a year.

She prefers to ‘meet halfway’ but the trouble is, by ‘halfway’ she means a place she wants to visit that’s 2 hours from us and 1.5 hours from her. She also wants to bring her dog and go for a walk. In the spring or summer the walking thing is better, but in this miserable cold it’s not so good. It’s the sort of place that’s not got anything for kids - just a cafe and places to walk.

When our eldest was small we did this a few times and it worked okay because we could put her in the carrier and do a nice walk but going for a walk now is just hard work because the baby needs carrying and the toddler is either walking mega slow to look at things (inevitably meaning DH and MIL march off ahead leaving me behind) or I have to carry her.

The forecast this time is barely above freezing and wet. We’ve been relentlessly ill with nursery bugs and I’m just getting over a chest infection.

AIBU to just really not want to do this ‘meet halfway’ thing?

I feel like if MIL wants to see us she should make the effort to come and see us or at least accept she should travel the lions share and/ or to a place that’s actually good for the kids because 4 hours in the car to do something they won’t enjoy just doesn’t feel fair on them at the best of times, but especially when none of us are well.

For context MIL enjoys driving and visiting places and will happily drive 3 hours to visit somewhere and then back in a day but she would also be more than welcome to stay with us if she came here.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

The whole obsession with having to meet half-way drove me batty. It wouldn't be so bad if we got to go somewhere interesting, but inevitably it would be me watching the kids in some random playground whilst my husband chatted with his mum and step-dad. Most of the time they weren't even looking in our direction and it was all just rather pointless.

Definitely the best option and it will mean he has to step up and parent the toddler, as he should.
He can say he wants you to stop mentioning it, but in that case I would be channelling Rachel's 'I'm not mad, I'm just not going' vibe from Friends

If DH has to navigate a 4 hr drive with the toddler and a walk in the cold with the toddler, dog and MIL, he may decide that on balance upsetting his Mum is easier than dealing with the toddler again. But you will have to let him experience the pain himself. So send him off to meet his Mum with a smile and “what a pain Im not well enough to go too” 😂

This.

Your h sounds like part of the problem. How dare he leave all the childcare to you?

Is your mil interested in the dc??

Just read your update. She doesn’t sounds brilliant. Think you might have to be firm here and set out what you think is best for your family, including dh, if he can’t.

’No, Angela, it’s not fair on the dc to take them 4 hours in the car just to go for a walk in the rain. There’s nothing for dc to do in the location you suggested, and we’ve all been ill. If you want to see the dc, then why not come to us on X date or we can meet at Y.’

Is the dog welcomed at yours?
I have a dog so get that it really impacts what you can do and go to. But she won't be able to leave it whilst she is miles away unless she has someone who can look after it.

I would have loved this set up meeting for a walk. But as always had to walk dogs and kids used to walking all weathers and wrapping up we were used to. I much preferred outings with my ILs who were awful people! Being in our home was much more intense!

I think send DH with kids is a good plan. When baby is older and can manage without feeding it will be easier

Meeting half way is, I presume, meant to be a compromise. Issue with compromises is that no one gets what they want. Currently your children are spending 4 hours in one day to maybe spend a couple of hours split between a cafe and a walk. Frankly that is utterly insane.

Equally a 3 hours journey two consecutive days with the same infants for a one night stay is also bonkers.

Personally I would tell DH that he needs to understand this and if he mother would like to come for a 2 day stay every few months, this is fine but is no longer suits you - and nor is it practical or beneficial for your children. You have a DH issue and he needs to understand that his children’s needs take priority over his mother’s wishes

My inLaws live 3.5 hours away. There has been NO expectation of regular visits that were anything less than 3 days on either side, and confined to school holidays as they got older. They used to have the children for a week every summer once they were both 4y+ (ie 4 and 7) and again for 4 days during the year. Once they were older we would meet them half way for a day trip - Legoland/a Zoo - and spend the whole day with them once or twice a year. They would never have expected a return trip of 4 hours for a ‘walk’. My kids both adore their grandparents so the lack of regular visits [or dog walks] hasn’t undermined their relationship.

I'd shrug and just get used to being the baddie. Life's too short. She'll get used to not having her own way and you can be more flexible in the good weather. Much easier to potter around a beach with small children while a dog is walked.

She may come into her own as the children get older and are capable of a) keeping up and b) more interesting conversation.

One thing to consider which used to work for us was to leave at bedtime on a Friday night, lift the kids out into beds at the other end and go to bed ourselves. Works well with a baby as you are often doing a dream feed anyway. Full day with the in-laws and a decent lunch out and then back in the car on Saturday night after kids tea. Sunday morning getting up in your own home. Made it feel a bit like you still have had a weekend.

Let your husband take the kids and meet her half way. That's the only way for them to both see the trouble. Trust me, it will never come up again.

Saw your update. A compromise is to let him take the toddler to see her. He can't argue that is a fair compromise, and while it sounds like that is not what the MIL wants, MIL needs to learn that being a grandparent is a gift not a given and if she wants a relationship with her grandkids, she will have to sometimes inconvenience herself rather than expect the parents with two young children to inconvenience themselves and disrupt a baby's feeding or routine.

Given that she prefers a baby who sits quietly on her lap rather than engaging with a toddler, it sounds like she is not exactly willing to go the extra mile (literally) to form that bond. If she really wanted to be with those kids, she would come to you, and wouldn't be turned off by the lack of scenery because that wouldn't be her priority.

Agree to meet her somewhere that’s 1hr from you and 2hrs from her.

Utterly selfish and miserable to take children getting over illness out in such circumstances.
Tell your husband you are not going with the baby and he can take the toddler.
Tell him you don't want to discuss it.

Agree to the halfway thing, but insist it is somewhere halfway. Or take turns to choose where to meet so that you can occasionally pick places that suit you. You don't have to agree to go on long, cold, wet, dog walks if they don't suit you. Just speak up and tell her you need to find places with more to do for your toddler.Say 'you walk the dog and we'll meet you at such and such a place after.'

If she can't take turns and wants it all her own way then just don't go. Stick to the home visits only.

Dh takes the toddler and meets his mum “halfway” you stay at home with the baby as you’ve been unwell.

In future with these walks get dh to be the hand holder for the toddler as you have the baby, or just stop trying to catch up with them. Enjoy your stroll with baby and toddler and if they moan just point out they walk far too fast for toddler.

A trike can be useful for a toddler as well on long walks.

Also make sure you put in suggestions that work for you closer to home sometimes. A nice pub meal with a country walk an hour from your home with a suitable play space for toddler and beer garden for dog.

A non dog one every so often that’s more farm based for toddler. Soft play could work, she can sit and hold the baby and toddler can run wild.

I’m not sure why she doesn’t like to come here, I think it’s probably because she doesn’t like the county where we are as much as she likes heading westwards which has more interesting scenery.

Ah. So you have a granny-baby on your hands here. An older person who has specific wants and preferences that are Very Important, but who snipes at babies, children and adults having other wants/needs.

My mum is one of these. You just have to stand your ground I'm afraid, because they will ruin everyone's day if you don't.

I have a couple of family members who like meeting up midway in somewhere that suits them and not us too! I just put it off in the colder months and try to make it more suitable for us then in the warmer months give in more to them. They'd literally have us having outdoor picnics in the snow with a newborn, absolutely not!

Could either your family or MIL visit the others house this time while the weather is awful and then do her midway walks in the nicer weather? Be honest and just say you don't enjoy walks when the weather is like this but you're happy to do some of what she likes and some of what you like across the year.

Hi, I think DH needs to set a polite boundary with his Mother. Like other people have said that’s a blooming long drive to hang about in the cold with two kids.

I understand MIL might not want to leave the dog at home, but in this weather indoors is best & a neighbour could let her dog out for a wee. It’s not a big ask.

If she won’t bend, then knock it on the head and say it doesn’t work for you.

We had a vaguely similar issue with my in-laws where the meeting point was 1 hour from them & 2 hours from us. My MILdid what was most convenient for her, and wouldnt negotiate so I just said it was too much driving in one day after working full-time for a whole week. it didn’t really damage the relationship. In reality, I think she respected my boundary.

DH needs to put his Family’s needs ahead of his Mother right now. It’s an entirely reasonable request.

She needs to leave the dog at home it's only for a few hours and she can take it for a walk somewhere scenic on her own time. Does she want to see the kids or just have a convenient walk with the dog somewhere new!

DH just needs to text her and offer alternatives of a NT place (dog friendly usually so quite good) that's mostly your way or in the middle for you both
Or farm parks etc and he just needs to say its no dogs but as he's sure she remembers toddlers are crazy and need to run around 😜

If she says no then it's up to your DH what to do, stay out of it, apart from saying you aren't going lol. Why should you be flexible if she isn't willing to? My MIL used to drive 3hr to me with my first before we moved closer and stay in a hotel or our spare room if we offered! Otherwise she would drive back in the evening. And she hates night driving!

Urgh thanks all for the further thoughts. DH is currently trying to find a pub that allows dogs and has soft play, which (surprise surprise) is proving impossible.

I asked why she can’t just leave the dog at home as it’s no longer than when she goes out to work but that seems to be a no go. And apparently the kids should be able to put up with 4 hours driving to go and sit in a pub for a couple of hours because they have to learn to do stuff for other people. Why MIL doesn’t I don’t know…

Anyway I’ve said to DH that my view is that the options are:

1. MIL comes to us
2. we postpone until the weather is nicer and meet up for a walk then (we are visiting her in three weeks so I’m not saying don’t see her until summer!)
3. we meet at a pub an hour max away and we do something separate with the kids nearby or on the way there or back to break the day or driving up
4. he goes and the kids stay home with me - he’s usually out playing sport all day on Saturdays so this isn’t really any different to normal for me and I’d rather that than go at this point.

Apparently I’m being really unfair and we’ve had an argument about it.

This sounds really familiar - have you posted about this before, in the last few weeks?

No, not me but maybe I need to hunt down that thread too!

Look OP, arguments are part of married life and sometimes you need a good argument before years of resentment followed by huge explosion. You gave him options now the ball is in his court.
I suspect your DH is not used to discussing thugs so that’s why he shut you down but it’s impossible approach. Try to stay polite but stuck to your arguments- his mum’s behaviour is very very selfish and unreasonable.

god he sounds like my ex, his mother's needs were always more important than mine or the kids. It wasn't the final nail in the coffin of our relationship but it was one of them.
He just has to text her something along the lines of
"Look Mum, none of us have been well and Op was really unwell with a chest infection and is still recovering. It's not good weather for having her or the kids outside, if you can come to us this time that would be a massive help. The kids would love to see you and I'll make you your favourite supper when you get here"

If he isn't willing to do tiny things to ensure your comfort when you've been ill how can you trust him when you really need him

What is 'really unfair' about you not wanting to drive then walk around in the cold when you've just had a chest infection? Just say you're definitely not going and therefore the plan and how it works is down to him.

So a baby and toddler are expected to learn and be put out over a fully grown adult.

A grown adult who understands what babies and toddlers need. But her wants should come first?

You’ve got a dh problem followed by a princess mil problem