Seeing MIL ‘halfway’

[Bricayak]

We live about 3 hours from MIL, currently have a 2 year old and a 5 month baby. We make the journey to see her every couple of months and usually stay. She comes here maybe twice a year.

She prefers to ‘meet halfway’ but the trouble is, by ‘halfway’ she means a place she wants to visit that’s 2 hours from us and 1.5 hours from her. She also wants to bring her dog and go for a walk. In the spring or summer the walking thing is better, but in this miserable cold it’s not so good. It’s the sort of place that’s not got anything for kids - just a cafe and places to walk.

When our eldest was small we did this a few times and it worked okay because we could put her in the carrier and do a nice walk but going for a walk now is just hard work because the baby needs carrying and the toddler is either walking mega slow to look at things (inevitably meaning DH and MIL march off ahead leaving me behind) or I have to carry her.

The forecast this time is barely above freezing and wet. We’ve been relentlessly ill with nursery bugs and I’m just getting over a chest infection.

AIBU to just really not want to do this ‘meet halfway’ thing?

I feel like if MIL wants to see us she should make the effort to come and see us or at least accept she should travel the lions share and/ or to a place that’s actually good for the kids because 4 hours in the car to do something they won’t enjoy just doesn’t feel fair on them at the best of times, but especially when none of us are well.

For context MIL enjoys driving and visiting places and will happily drive 3 hours to visit somewhere and then back in a day but she would also be more than welcome to stay with us if she came here.

This is exactly what he should say.

I know people always say this on MN and people always doubt it but he is great in so many ways, but his weakness is communication and particularly with his mum. It’s been a running theme in our very long relationship that it’s been easier to let down or annoy me than her. I’ve been a doormat about that for too long really, but I’m not having it happen to the children as well.

He’s making out I’m being OTT because it won’t hurt them to do what MIL wants but that’s not really the point. You’re all right, why can’t she compromise this once? And my chest infection actually gives him the perfect excuse for his shit communication this time as he can use that as a reason we have to postpone.

I live 2.5 hours away from my son and DIL (DS and soon to be another DS or DD). I go to them monthly, DIL picks me up from the station. I stay the night. They come down to us once every 6 months. That's the way to do things.

Perhaps you suggest something alternative? It doesn't sound like your husband has done this. Despite you asking. Get ahead of the game and suggest a place for next time, that would suit your needs more. There are loads of NT/EH/HH places that work for kids and dogs. Old ruins of castles are fabulous for both, plus they usually have a cafe so you can all grab lunch together.

I have been having my grandchild for a day a week since he was just a couple of months old, and successfully navigated these sorts of places with dogs and push chairs on my own, so they should hopefully be workable for all of you.

let him go alone and do the explaining to his DM

Let the argument happen… give him his choice at this point.

You take toddler and go or tell Mumsie to come here. (Or whatever choice you prefer). Those are the only two options and getting butthurt isn’t going to change anything. You’re not saying you’ll never do the halfway walk but you’re not doing it this time.

Be the baddie.. if mumsie comes back at you then own it … “yes the weather is crap, we’re all sick…and I’m not up for it” she’ll get over it or she won’t, you can’t and shouldn’t try to to control her emotions.

You need to learn to be assertive.

You're not well. Baby needs to be with you for food. DH can take toddler, but for goodness sake put your foot down, you stay home with the baby.

As for him and his mother striding out ahead whilst you cope with the small children, words fail me. You don't have to put up with it! Throw away your inner doormat!

I’ve just found out not all NT places have cafes any more 😱😱😱😱

and if it’s wet and cold it doesn’t solve problem with kids , nor the slow walking pace if MIL and DH are going to stomp off at adult pace

yanbu

If she is ok to drive and travel, it’s not unreasonable that she comes to you, especially in unpredictable weather seasons. I’m nana age, and I think it’s unreasonable to expect familes with young kids to day travel hours to see a GP. not unless they’re not mobile and can’t use transport. Even then it’d be an overnighter.

I think phrase it that it’s a “for now, until kids get a bit older and eldest is walking better”. I’d also be saying to dh that never agian does he leave you with two kids to manage, thst is also unreasonable. Buy him a back back to put kid in that not able to walk for more than 30 mins without a carry, until age that both kids can walk good distances. If he and MIL just want to go for walk and chat togther, he can go on his own fgs!

like other posters, have a look at alternatives half way though…as they’ve said a play farm, petting zoo, indoor play area or outside but with good playground …our local nature reserve has a fab children’s playground for multiple ages, and a good cafe. Might take some hunting down, but better to offer some alternatives that would be better than just point blank no.

Can you offer her any incentives to come to yours? Are there things she likes doing near yours you could include to tempt her to travel.

tell her truth about the logistics and stress it causes , she had kids once.

This is all insane. How is this even a conversation.

She can leave her dog at home.

Second - She is one person and no kids - she can drive to you and go somewhere child friendly when the weather is better or to a soft play near yours now. I wouldn’t be driving more than an hour with young kids unless it was really needed. Not to sit in a pub. You need to say no to this stuff. She’s saying no so why aren’t you- well your DH!

If you’ve been ill the visit can be postponed anyway. Your husband is being ridiculous.

Ugh, this is so familiar bit with other members of my family like my dad and brother. Dogs have to come everywhere and guess what, most playgrounds or child friendly areas don't allow them in due to the hazard of one having a wee ir poo etc. They act like it's such an inconvenience but then bleat if they don't see my son like they have a quota they must fill. Well my dad anyway, my bro prefers dogs!

It absolutely is wrong to drag kids out the house for 4 hours cumulative carntime then a damp windy walk after all to assuage the feelings of a grown woman who isn't surely getting quality time with the kids anyway. At that age that happens in a home usually where the kids can be relaxed and warm!

Your DH feels he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and his mum is the bigger, sharper rock so he's hoping he can move you to agree. Simple logic says the needs of the many outlay the wants of the few so he needs to stick up for your and the kids comfort on this.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I really feel sorry for the children of parents like you and your husband.
He's a total wet wipe, only concerned with humouring anyone except his wife and children, irrespective of how it impacts them.

You, who dispite being unwell, and knowing its ridiculous, actually are arguing with him.

Poor children, neither parent with back bone or conviction to take control.
Not normal.

In a normal healthy family and relationship this would be dealt with quickly and firmly.

Its toxic. Wake up to that.

Ask him what exactly is "unfair" about the several options you've given as alternatives?

Ask him if he thinks it's fair on you when you're ill?

He's being an unreasonable pig about this, won't upset his Dmum but more than happy to make you put up and shut up. Inconsiderate arsehole he is.

Show him this thread, DH - just because you have a penis, doesn't mean you get to make ALL the decisions.

I'd be waving him off with toddler, and staying home with baby. That's more than fair in my opinion.

So she’s now coming to ours. No idea how that conversation has gone between DH and MIL, he still seems pissed off with me. But you’re all quite right, who cares if I’m the baddie, it’s what is best for the kids and like someone said, it’ll actually be much better quality time with them here.

@Windday yes it feels a little harsh but I get what you’re saying. I have been too prepared to please everyone else all the time (and DH is the same) at my expense but I am not doing it at the children’s expense which is why I’ve held my ground here. I’m changing!

Good for you. And I would have it out with him as to why he’s got this bizarre attitude. I wouldn’t be having that fly!

Christ does no one just get on with it anymore? Yeah it’s a bit of an inconvenience but it’s not exactly the end of the world. I bet you’d do it for your own mother.

I think if you have colds, ill health etc, postpone and go say in a couple of weeks.

I’d keep arguing. Fuck that.

I think this is completely fair. You have given several choices and it seems that the dog is one of the biggest barriers blocking her seeing you all. Whenever we meet half way with the in laws it's always something child focused....I do think they find it annoying, but if they don't want to travel to us then we at least want to ensure it's a decent day out and one where the kids won't be bored.

I'd have a conversation with DH and tell him, as calmly as possible, that you're not prepared to have him be pissed off with you because you refuse to compromise 100% of the time. You guys are doing all the travelling in 3 weeks FFS! Ask him why you're not his priority if your health has been bad, and make it clear that a man who would much rather upset his wife (who he lives with) than his mother is really unattractive.

Good for you op. She sounds very inflexible and selfish so this isn’t going to get any better - best to set your stall out now and do things your way.

And I’d not be indulging his sulking for very long…he’d have had arse handed to him if that was me. You are the mum with young children and your needs come first over her and her dog. If he can’t see that then he’s a prick, sorry but he is.

I hope you are not cooking for her with a chest infection!

Personally I don’t see what is not child friendly about a winter walk. I’m pretty sure that’s mostly what I did with my toddler/baby? Yes it’s slow, but it’s much better than soft play.

I always met my family halfway, usually NT that involved a walk and a cafe. It wouldn’t occurred that this wasn’t child friendly.

It's pretty child unfriendly if the father and grandmother go striding off on their own leaving the mother to cope with the children/baby alone, don't you think?

Yes, but that’s a problem with them, not the activity! The OP was suggesting that winter was unsuitable to take a toddler for a walk.

It's pretty child unfriendly if the father and grandmother go striding off on their own leaving the mother to cope with the children/baby alone, don't you think?

Quite! Especially if the mother isn't feeling well.

I'd shake it up a bit and suggest different things,

Find other places that are 1.5 hours away from both of you.

Sometimes find a pub for lunch (gardens that allow dogs when the weather is nicer).

DH could take the older child.

DH could go to hers with the older child and stay over.

Sometimes she comes to you.

Sometimes they meet up without you. The baby and a breastfed forever and he can take them both!