AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

When should we expect your apology for:
incorrectly stating this is a new issue
suggesting parents aren’t doing enough

Hmm?

My children aren't school refuses, and it certainly isn't something I would encourage.

I don't think it takes a huge amount of imagination to picture, though - what would I do if my eldest outright refused to go? Ignored cajoling, shouting, threats. I can't pick them up, I'd still have to get siblings there, we don't drive so I'd have to drag them the whole walk (again, not sure I physically could!)

I don’t understand what’s hard to understand ? If your child refuses to go to school then how on earth do you make them? You can’t physically manhandle a child to school so how do you do it? What would you do? It’s a hugely complex issue.

I know three such families. Really nice middle class families where the parents are in despair about the whole thing

I blame the pandemic

it didn’t happen in the 90s

They've always existed. I'm not in the UK, but we had pupils coming in once in a blue moon in my class in the 80s-90s.

You’ve got the nail on the head here.

Most parents of school refusers have tried being matter of fact, stern, strict, punitive, kind, boring, understanding, they have tried bribery, reasoning, problem solving, talking to the school and making changes there, changing schools, physically picking them up and carrying them in (presumably only up to a certain age!) seeking medical/psychologist advice, etc etc.

Nah. My friends daughter is tending towards school refusal & is getting worse all the time. My friend is as soft as fucking butter honestly. She basically is looking for a solution that doesn't upset her DD at all and avoids all conflict, because she herself hates conflict. She is not really firm or decisive about much at all in life.

What i find interesting is that she does have her "lines in the sand" where she will make her DD do stuff. Teeth brushing, taking medicine. When she needs to make her DD do something she can, she employs all the same methods i use to make my DC do the things I regard as "not optional". She simply has far fewer things she thinks are "non optional" than I do.

It absolutely did happen decades ago. You wouldn't have known because sm wasn't prevalent like it is now. My ds was 15 then and a school refuser. I tried everything including dragging a teenager bigger than me to school where he would go in and walk straight out again. Turns out he was being bullied and had ptsd from things which had happened when he was younger.
He did work in cleaning jobs when he left for about 3 years and hasn't worked since due to severe mh issues.

it didn’t happen in the 90s

Have you even read this thread 🙄

Work is important, isn't it? If you don't show up to work on time, you'll lose your job.

You can't just say 'ok so we are going to do x, y, z learning today together' if you have to work.

The hysterical overreaction to Covid and all the nonsense that went with it.

Ok... maybe I should of said "150 years of using constant experiments and crap methods in education that mean 1000s of children physically and mentally can't attend yet we still haven't actually figured out a good method"

I think a lot of the time, they just truanted. I was at school in the 60s and 70s and there were kids who were away a lot. I don't think the system was as well set up to prevent this as it is now. There was a small minority who went to school but did not learn anything at all, nor did they try to. They spent lessons messing about and taking up the time and energy of the staff.

You seem nice.

The kids that have lots of friends and are making weekend plans are not the ones that are school refusing.

Do you lack comprehension skills? You might want to get some help with that.

I wish it wasn’t a thing but it is. My son refuses to go to school at times. He’s nearly 16, he’s taller than me & heavier than me. I can’t physically force him to go. On paper, I should have more skills. I work in CAMHS, I ‘should’ be able to persuade him to go. I can’t.

It broke my poor Great Aunt. It devastated my DM cousin who had mental breakdown. It was a tragedy. He was a nice chap, but never recovered.

I do agree with you to an extent. Are there children who truly struggle with the school environment? Yes. Are there also a lot of parents who struggle to effectively parent their children at a certain age (from late primary) when they start having a degree of free will? Yes.

I was a ‘school refuser’ back in the late 80s and into the 90s. From probably Y3/4. By Y5/6, my mum just stopped bothering to wake me up. I stopped going to school because I’d wake up and my mum would be gone. She’d go to work and leave me alone at 10 years old until she got back around 6pm. My school was not accessible by walking or public transport, so unless she drove me, I couldn’t get there. I missed a whole year of school. As far as I know, no one ever came looking for me. I think she told them I changed schools and I must have just gotten lost in the paperwork.

That year of missed school was after years of her just not really having the capacity to cope with mornings. She found it very overwhelming just trying to get us all out of the house on time. For about 2 years, I ate ice cream for breakfast in bed because she thought that was the best way to start our mornings.

She struggled with just normal boundaries and routines. I can see this now because it carried on being an issue throughout my childhood. She would do FUN! Shopping, holidays, ponies, puppies, but not school or cooking meals or homework or medical care. What I probably needed was more support, someone to talk to and to be in school.

My dc has a few friends who are school refusers. From what I can see, they have siblings who are also school refusers (none of the children in the family go to school regularly). They come from somewhat chaotic homes with lots of people going in and out, parents who spend a lot of time at the pub, and they go away on lots of big shopping trips, Disneyland, etc instead of being in school. Are there genuinely children who are completely overwhelmed by the school environment? Yes. But I think there are also a lot of children, like me, who had parents who don’t really prioritise their children’s education and wellbeing over what’s easy for them. I had to work so much harder than my peers to make up for the lack of family support and the time I missed.

Well, I was hoping people wouldn't make so many assumptions on my thoughts and opinions without me stating them, get so defensive when I haven't said anything to imply I'm judging them and accuse me of saying things I simply did not say (not counting the poster who made a mistake and apologised)
I was also hoping people would read the thread and my replies properly.

But I am not at all surprised.

I’ve known her since she was born. Her DM is a close relative. The girl was always spoiled, she got her way with everything and never had proper rules or boundaries. Both parents gave in to everything. If you can’t enforce rules with a 5 year old, you definitely can’t do with a 15 year old. Her DM is well meaning and nice, but also has chronic health issues and is often sick. So maybe it was easier to choose not to battle everything.
when everything started they could have stopped her going, stopped giving her money for weed and drugs, stopped her sleeping away (need MAP at age 15), cut off wifi, enforced home work. But they didn’t. So it got worse every year and the daughter uses a lot of emotional blackmail and suicide threats.

The daughter knows she will inherit a mortgage free flat so maybe she has no incentive in life. She also told me she has no interests, hobbies or anything she cares about. So depressing for a young person.

I went to a rough comp in the 70s / 80s and the ones who didn’t show up , the teachers were probably pleased tbh. It was just them playing truant.

I work in a pru type school. We have a few school refusers. One child literally beats his mum up in the mornings to the point where the police are called. Then social services are called.

It keeps the police and ss off her back if she gives in to him as there’s no violence.

I mean TBF I said most not all.

There will always be parents who are not very authoritative, but they have always existed as well. I don't buy the idea that modern parents are uniquely soft or lax, we all exist across the spectrum of humans and I remember parents who were like this when I was younger as well. My neighbour's mum was constantly wringing her hands and saying "I don't know, he's a boy, you can't stop them doing boy things" about various trouble her son was causing around the estate.

OP you haven't said what you think now that many people have replied with their lived experience of it. Do you feel like you understand a bit more?