AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Also OP you are contradicting yourself, you acknowledge in your OP that parents have "done absolutely everything" but then go on to suggest such basic things as telling the child that they must go to school, and turning off the wifi/removing their duvet if they don't go.

Aren't those things usually included in "absolutely everything"?

Most parents of school refusers have tried being matter of fact, stern, strict, punitive, kind, boring, understanding, they have tried bribery, reasoning, problem solving, talking to the school and making changes there, changing schools, physically picking them up and carrying them in (presumably only up to a certain age!) seeking medical/psychologist advice, etc etc.

I think you just didn't know about the children who didn't come to school when you were at school, whereas now it's talked about in the news media, on social media and on mumsnet etc.

I get what your saying OP. I think we had more truancy years ago which was kids bunking off school to go play with xxx in the park but we have seen an increase in neurodiversity understanding and diagnosis, that I think has a connection to emotional based school avoidance (ebsa) cases. However I am aware of one case where quite simply yes the parents didn't put any consequences (note not punishments) so e.g. okay your refusing to go to school so we are going to do x,y,z learning today together. And this young person I believe learnt quickly that she doesn't have to go to school and can stay at home and watch telly all day whilst parents go to work. So sometimes it could be parents just not parenting. In this scenario the mum felt her work was more important than some effort into getting her child into school and it was too hard to make her get up in the mornings and she had to be at work on time etc.

What made you not want to attend?

Someone I knew years ago said they she took her child each day to secondary school and watch her go through the gates into the reception area and out the other side! She’d meet her at a different gate going home.
She ended up at a different SEN school eventually and things improved , but it was a struggle. This was around 20 years ago. It must be awful , but I guess some teens are just more inclined to say no and there isn’t much you can do.

I did NOT suggest any of these things.

Or indeed suggest anything AT ALL.

There were always some kids who truanted, my friend's younger sister was one. But it was much rarer in primary. Parents were stricter, you didn't get a choice about going. No child i knew would have thought not going in was an option such that they would have made the sort of fuss some kids make now, both parents and teachers did not tolerate it & were not expected to accomodate behaviour like that.

I do think a lot of kids are very nervous & anxious these days, i think their mums and dads validate their fears to much and dwell on feelings too much. The most resilient kids I come across are the ones who's parents are more relaxed, allow some age appropriate risks and encourage independence.

I have a school refuser in my extended family. Started from age 15, had “panic attacks” in school but strangely enough was always well enough to go to mall the same day or hang with a BF.
Never had panic attacks anywhere else. Spent the day smoking weed, drinking, smoking, on snap, w various boyfriends. Changed schools 3 times, eventually dropped out aged 18. Has no GCSEs, didn’t finish an apprenticeship. No SEN or ADHD, is a spoiled brat who always got her way and her parents didn’t do any proper parenting when she was a child and then had no chance when she was a teenager. Her DM also suffers from significant health issues and doesn’t always have the energy to parent properly. DF is a workaholic and avoids the issues.

she is now in a minimum wage job aged 20.

My son is what you'd call a school refuser. His absences are treated as emotionally based school avoidance.

He's almost 7, and he is resitting reception for the third year. We are awaiting a specialist placement. We've been trying for this placement since nursery.

He isn't mistreated at school, he just knows he is very different to other children and can't access the curriculum like they can. He's developed a sense of self and knows he is systematically othered. He can't name his emotions but it's clear he feels ashamed and humiliated.

Every morning we get ready for school and he strips his clothes off, he runs off and hides, we have to keep windows and doors locked because he has no sense of danger, he gets so distressed and works himself up crying that he vomits, he cries until he's reached pure exhaustion and often needs a sleep to rest up before we try again.

He isn't like this when going any other places, only school.

We work with school and we sometimes just bring him in for the last hour of the day. For the first 2 years he was on a pre-planned part time schedule, now he is on an adhoc part time schedule.

I'd love to be able to just scoop him up and get him in the car and take him to school and let him settle, but the school agree that this will likely cause more association based stress and trauma if it is forced, and it's impossible to get him out of the house due to him stripping off.

Kids like my son were just not in mainstream in the levels you see these days due to specialist school closures and limited places.

There has always been EBSA, due to SEN, due to bullying, due to being branded the naughty kid or the class clown, due to a tumultuous home life and the stressors of school being too much, due to being a young carer etc. It has always been there. School absences are just more heavily publicised and vilified now.

In my experience, even if you can physically over power your distressed child and get them into school, the teachers aren't prepared to physically over power the child so they can't keep them anyway.

My daughter now aged 32 was a school refuser and we struggled on a daily basis to get her to go to school. When we did get her to go I often had to go back as she claimed that she felt sick. In the last two years of secondary school she had a fantastic support worker and she passed all her exams with flying colours. She went t college did "A" levels and a degree. We never got to the bottom of why she school caused her such distress. I am in my late fifties and my best friend was a school refuser failed all her exams and went on to become a senior nurse.

I don’t think this thread has gone how @Idontunderstandmodernlife thought it would

There's a documentary on YouTube from the 90's, it's called "QED Challenging Children" and one of the boys on there is a school refuser, I think he gives quite a good description of why he stopped going to school. He got a lot of help back then, I don't think there would be so much help now.

My son was absent y8 and 9. He tried to go (I pushed him) but spent the time crying uncontrallably so even school said its not possible. He was able to go back y10. Autism and puberty is hard.

Yes. Under the 1969 Children’s Act School refusal was listed as one of the possible reasons to go to court for a care order, if accompanied by being beyond the control of the parent ( which was seen as a given if the child couldn’t be forced into school). The new Children’s Act in 1980 changed that.

Sorry OP, you're right, I got mixed up with some quoted posts and had thought they were by you but they weren't.

Class skipping, truancy, showing up for registration and cutting was always a thing.. just harder to track pre-data analytics

They did exist in the 90s because I was one (diagnosed as having ADHD at 22 I’m 45 now) I point blank refused to go to school and when I was dragged kicking and screaming I simply walked out again. There was nothing anybody could do to make me go to school

Thank you for the apology.

I've also been called back to the school to fetch my child as they couldn't get them to move from the doors or go in to school.

Why would a parent want to overpower their distressed child in the first place?

Fear-based parenting and teaching was a thing until relatively recently.

You went to school or you'd get a battering.

How many 6 foot 2 14 year olds were there in the 80s? Not that being 6 ft 2 would have stopped my 5ft mum!

What do you mean by her parents didn’t do any proper parenting when she was a child?

And I wonder if this could be the same for many ‘school refusers’?

If I had been a school refuser, there would have been nothing to do at home. No daytime TV, no phones, no X Box, no social media, no gaming, no parents working from home, no decent snacks. I would have been bored out of my brains. School was more than a place to learn, I got to gossip with friends and make plans for the weekend. Imagine sitting in an empty house with nothing but a couple of books. School was great in comparison!

They have always been there , there were kids at my secondary school who you actually forgot about until they popped back up for a couple of days then disappeared again.
I was always of the same opinion as you, how the hell can you not actually get them to go?!! And then my son started to refuse to go.
You know how hard It is to get a screaming fighting toddler dressed and in the car seat or pushchair? well it’s exactly to e same when they’re 14, but they’re bigger, often bigger than you . If bribery, reasoning, compromising , pleading, shouting , insisting, punishments don’t work then what are you left with? It’s all very well people who haven’t experienced it saying what they ‘would do’ in that situation, but until you’ve experienced it you really don’t know, you’re actually quite powerless . The school staff even came round and went into his bedroom , didn’t make any difference .
my grandson often refuses to go, 3 times my dd has dropped him off and under the supervision of 2 teachers he scaled an 8 foot fence and ran away. He was 7. His teachers often go and pick him up, they are a fantastic school and his teachers are brilliant and that has made al the difference to him to him going or not.
Just imagine for a minute for logistics and practicalities in trying to physically force somebody who really really really doesn’t want to cooperate to get dressed and go somewhere they hate or are scared of without somebody getting hurt .

I am another one who would happily have been a school refuser if I'd thought it possible. Unfortunately, I didn't have a house key, would have been spotted by family if I'd remained local, my school would have contacted my mother, and I only had a small amount of lunch money that wouldn't have bought me a day saver! Secondary school was awful. It was enormous in comparison to primary school, and I don't do well in busy places. I'd be crying the day before having to return to school, because I hated it so much. I got bullied, but my school was notorious for not dealing with such issues; instead, their focus was on their prized reputation of their academic standards and exam results. I struggle in pushy environments... but in my mother's eyes, my brother (social butterfly) loved the school, and I (introverted "weirdo") was brighter than he was, so that was that. My school did not accommodate weird children, as we were all to conform to their version of normal. Sometimes I pleaded that I was ill, so I couldn't go. I left school with crippling anxiety and struggling to speak to anyone outside of certain family members. I have tried to dissuade anyone who asked me my opinion of the school, as they were considering sending their children... and I know others who left, and felt the same way about it!

There were others at school who missed large chunks of the academic year. Quite a few of them had turbulent home lives, which presumably took more priority (e.g. caring for younger siblings and making sure that they were fed, went to school, etc.) than the additional stress of school.