11y/o helping mum after cosmetic surgery

[dontaskagain]

(I am not the mum in this situation)

Mum had cosmetic surgery and her 11 year old dd helped her look after her while she recovered, wash, change dressings, toilet etc as well as looking after her self and younger sibling as mum wasn’t able to do much.
11 year old was apparently asked before hand if she was happy to help or if mum should invite friend to stay and throughout and following has seemed happy with arrangement.

I’m not entirely sure what I think but I’m leaning towards absolutely not ideal or a great idea but not terrible or requiring of intervention so for the sake of the thread -

AIBU to think this is okay?

Presumably she didnt miss school?

I mean I wouldnt phone social services or anything....
but i'd def be pulling up my judgey pants in preparation for a long judging session....

This was over the Christmas holidays so no school

I did this for my mum when she had liposuction on her middle when I was about the same age, perhaps a couple of years older.

I was more than happy to help her. I knew she was unhappy with her tummy, and she talked it all through with me beforehand. I offered to help with bandages and cleaning.

To be honest, I can completely see why a lot of people wouldn’t be comfortable with this set up, but it very much depends on the child and the circumstances!

Is it because it’s cosmetic surgery that you have such an issue with it?

Heaven forbid a child should be exposed to a lesson in responsibility and helping each other out from time to time.

@dontaskagain
Well there are loads of choices that other parents make, which I like to believe that should I be in a similar situation I’d do differently, but at the end of the day I’m not that person and I don’t actually know what I’d do.
To be honest helping someone who can’t look after themselves for a short while is not a bad thing in my book. I think that if I had a problem with this it would be to do with the cosmetic procedure in itself, and not who helped afterwards.

I don’t have such an issue with it, I do think it was okay just not ideal especially as there was the option to have a friend come and help.

Yes, I probably would view it differently if it was medically necessary surgery though

I think 11yos should be allowed to be kids where possible. That means they are not exposed to the insecurities of their mum's body / face, being expected to take responsibility for things like dressing changes or other personal care of an adult who had the option to get that helped from another adult.

If a parent is incapacitated and needs medical help, who was there to support the 11yo? Seems unfair to put all that on a kid.

Someone else has expressed horror at the situation to me and suggested they want to report it, I do not agree.

I knew about the situation at the time and did not do or say anything. I privately though it wasn’t ideal and another adult should have been allowed to help or at least look after the younger sibling but I respecting mums decision and that dd was happy.

@dontaskagain agree it's not worth reporting to anyone, but I'd be hoping for no repeats!

Think it depends on the bigger picture, I do have some skin in the game as I was the very grown up mature child who, similar age , was at home with my mum who'd had a nose job and it started bleeding profusely and I had to get in touch with the surgeon. But i was very emotionally parentified and my my mum shared everything, no topic was off limits.

So my gut feeling is totally inappropriate but that is because I suspect that kind of parent is the "my child is so grown up and we are best friends". Meanwhile child is not able to say no, feels thrilled she is so grown up and as an adult has some major problems!

I think you’ve assumed the situation well.

I love the mum very much and I know she loves her dd very much too but it definitely the case that they are ‘best friends’ and not the first time dd has had to step into a grown up role.

Assuming the 11 year old hasn't had experience of providing personal care I do think that's a lot to put on them, ie if they would understand what's involved. I would be worried that saying no to someone helping might be just not wanting someone else staying in the home, rather than actually understanding and giving informed consent to taking on those tasks. I know there are a lot of young carers who do an amazing job, but I can't imagine many of those parents would want their child to take on the role if they had a choice for them not to.

That lesson being a parent with no comprehension of responsibility. Hopefully the child learns to be a better parent from it I suppose.

That’s some Grade A BS right there. I can only presume you jealous of the cosmetic surgery and wish to drop this woman in it anyway you can. Probably too scared to report her yourself so seeking validation from MN.

It obviously is.

I can never understand why women wanting to look better puts so many people’s backs up

OP I had surgery last year, very last minute (a cancellation came up) and DH was abroad for work for 2 weeks. It was to have haemorrhoids removed. They’d plagued me for years so I took the appointment. The recovery was rough. My then 11yo DD and 8yo DS helped me out of bed, fetched me cups of tea, DD cooked for her and her brother etc for about a week until I felt well enough to get back on my feet.

How do you feel about that?
I had no adult available to help me.

You’re wrong and I don’t understand why you’re so angry and defensive, I know for certain that the woman I’m talking about isn’t you.

I have had previous cosmetic surgery myself. I care about this woman and although I don’t think the situation is ideal, I would defend and protect her where I can as I have done to the person who wants to report her.

Sorry you had to deal with that, but it sounds like you didn't really have a choice about the surgery or the lack of adult help. If you had - eg if you didn't need the surgery, or could have chosen when to have it, so that your DH or a friend would have been around, would you have done so?

I would never give a child that choice when there is such a power imbalance.