11y/o helping mum after cosmetic surgery

[dontaskagain]

(I am not the mum in this situation)

Mum had cosmetic surgery and her 11 year old dd helped her look after her while she recovered, wash, change dressings, toilet etc as well as looking after her self and younger sibling as mum wasn’t able to do much.
11 year old was apparently asked before hand if she was happy to help or if mum should invite friend to stay and throughout and following has seemed happy with arrangement.

I’m not entirely sure what I think but I’m leaning towards absolutely not ideal or a great idea but not terrible or requiring of intervention so for the sake of the thread -

AIBU to think this is okay?

What about young carers?

It could've worked out awful, or might have been lovely. I was dying to learn and do grown up things at that age ,I wish my relationship with my mum had been good enough for me to do that at age 11. How did it go?

Do you think parents of young carers would want them to be young carers if they had a choice, and could take that responsibility away from them?

no problem, although it is a completely different situation. Her dd had to do much more care than you have mentioned, sibling is younger, it was cosmetic surgery and there were other adults available.

Ultimately like I said in my pp I do think this situation was still ‘okay’

Ex, ExMIL, Ex's DSis or just a gossipy neighbour/so called 'friend'?

Sounds like there was backup available if needed and other than helping her mum to the toilet for a couple of days (that doesn't mean she was performing intimate care) and helping with dressing changes, she'd be doing no more than a normal 11 year old does in exchange for some pocket money - a few cups of tea, loading the dishwasher, pushing a vacuum cleaner around and probably chucking some Cheerios into a bowl before helping a younger sibling to put their shoes on.

Even if your snarky acquaintance reports it, there's not going to be anything done.

Oh dear - hope she has some spare cash for therapy and that she realises a lot sooner than I did. Poor kid.

My 10 year old Dd was a fantastic help with me and her newborn sister when I had an emergency cesarean and my husband who runs his own business could only manage a few days off work....

I think it was completely inappropriate to put that choice on a child. I also think it highlights there's already an unhealthy relationship between the mom and 11 year old. I'm willing to be she's often treated as the second adult in the home and not as a child.

If have done it the nanosecond I could.

And cosmetic surgery is often as much of a need as me having my piles removed

So it IS the issue that she had cosmetic surgery. Eve though it’s often the case that cosmetic surgery is absolutely needed.
BTW my haemorrhoids were considered cosmetic surgery because they were uncomfortable rather than painful 🙄

My kids had loads to do, I just didn’t type it all out.

Its not ideal and theres obviously a problematic dynamic between them from other things you're saying but theres nothing to 'report'. This wouldnt be a safeguarding issue and its over now anyway

It would only have been a few days in any case, even with something like a full body lift, within a week the patient should be be able to mobile around the house to some degree, on painkillers, etc.

Generally there is a lot of work (not necessarily successful) to prevent or avoid children having to be carers for adults.

This isnt anywhere near the same thing, it would be a temporary thing

I agree there's nothing to report. I don't think it's necessarily the case that it would have only been a few days though, there are plenty of stories online from people who say they weren't told of the reality of recovery from cosmetic surgery, and of course individual recovery can vary a lot.

@FMLGFastMovingLuxuryGoods that's awful that you were told it was cosmetic! Presumably if you were desperate to get it done you were being really affected by them.

When you say help with the toilet - do you mean wipe her bum???

Please say no please say no... 😬

It is absolutely inappropriate and an indicator of poor boundaries and parentification. Effectively the 11 year old was left in sole charge of her younger sibling. If mum got an infection and passed out or there was profuse bleeding the 11 year old may not have had the maturity or coping skills to deal with it effectively. It is a massive amount of responsibility for a child. The child should never have been asked. She should have been told that another grown up was coming to help out for a couple of days. I believe this for all forms of surgery - recovery can be unpredictable.

No, I don’t mind that she had cosmetic surgery , she is a grown woman, I have had cosmetic surgery, lots of people have cosmetic surgery.

I also as I have already said don’t mind that her dd helped her, I just didn’t think it was ideal given there were other adults available and do think it is different because it was purely cosmetic rather than medical.

You don’t know what surgeries were done? They were not absolutely needed

Well… with friends like you..

Was about to say the same thing. My mum was disabled and I did a lot of "helping" as a kid, which in itself wasn't always a problem, but there were definitely times it was inappropriate and there was also emotional parentification going on. I couldn't say no to helping her because often there was no one else around, and I was praised for being "good" and "helpful" and "mature". Cue decades of anxiety and depression as an adult.

Had to wait 8 years as I got them I pregnancy with my youngest. They tried everything non-surgical, didn’t work, and it’s only because I kicked up a fuss that I got on the surgery waiting list

Having had the same surgery last summer, I'd have expected your husband to come home from abroad or cancel the trip. I can't imagine relying on an 11yo and 8yo during my recovery.

I seriously underestimated how hard the recovery would be and coming home wasn’t an option. I had no choice but to rely on them. I’m sure there no permanent damage

I did this for my mum when she had varicose veins removed when I was younger. It was a good life lesson tbh and I didn’t mind it at all.

My mum had throat cancer when I was a child and I did a lot of this. Was it ideal, of course not but who else was going to do it. Didn’t scar me for life - taught me a lot in all honesty.

I’m sure it provided some life lesson here too and that dd didn’t mind but that isn’t a comparable surgery, at all.

It’s not something I would report to any services but it is incredibly sad.