When should elderly parents downsize?

[Hogwartsian]

My parents are in their early eighties and still healthy and fit. They have a large 5 bed house with a large garden. They are still managing to maintain it, for now. I'm just wondering if there's a point when they should prepare for the day they can't manage it all anymore, and downsize to something more suitable?

Is anyone else in this situation? Or when did your parents downsize?

I'd love to downsize but DH won't hear of it. He loves his huge garden and large garage and simply says he won't give it up as smaller homes have as maller gardens and garages. It drives me mad.

Could I ask what you feel about this?

I’m not sure what you mean. About my PIL not downsizing?

Well, I’m in a flat I can manage. I buy in help if I need it, as it don’t want it landed on my DD.

But if people are struggling, they need to sort out resolutions. My Dad didn’t, and it was chaos. 🙄.

Yes, because 9 times out of 10 the elderly parent leans more and more heavily on their adult child which is almost always a daughter. If you are happy to offer support and perhaps have them live with you of course that is a different but the Elderly Parent forum is full of all sorts of issues with parents pretending they are Ok whilst running their children ragged. This was my experience too.

If you are about to go out the door on a long awaited holiday and you get the phone call to say they have fallen or have a UTI and are calling for you would you be happy to drop everything and go and attend to them. My late Mum fell numerous times and once out of a hospital bed. The staff called me in the middle of the night to say they had found her on the floor. They never did say how long she had been there. I asked about bed rails to be told they were even more dangerous as the elderly person literally climbs up them and falls from a greater height.

That is likely to be the case but I’m not the only child and this has been already been discussed with siblings with the agreement that care will be provided equally. This will still be a bigger strain for me as I live hours, not minutes, away. Especially if it lasts years.

If you are about to go out the door on a long awaited holiday and you get the phone call to say they have fallen or have a UTI and are calling for you would you be happy to drop everything and go and attend to them

What are you suggesting as an alternative?

I think this conversation has moved on a bit from downsizing although as a frustrated menopausal DD of intransigent elderly DPs, I don’t disagree with any of it.
My view is that people can live where they want for as long as they want provided they don’t suck the life breath from their adult DCs whilst doing so and think in advance of any adaptations that would be helpful.

So for example neither DM or DF can properly wash any more despite having a downstairs bathroom as they never got it converted to a walk in shower. We suggested it a few years ago but we’re poo pooed. DM got a few grab rails put up but I guess bathroom conversion was too much for them disruption wise.

They live an hour away but as they genuinely didn’t think they would be a burden on us I don’t think either of us thought it was worth them moving closer.

As DM is 5 years younger than DF we all assumed he would pass first and then DM would move to a care home near us. Except DM now is very frail with dementia and DF quite hearty apart from the as yet undiagnosed dementia which means he thinks he is managing just fine, when actually he is not.

The last 10 months of my life as an only DC have been horrible I am not sure them living in a smaller house would have made much difference. Accepting paid for cleaning and care yes.

Cinq - I am sorry to call you out but I knew from your comments that your parents haventt yet called on you. My siblings said they would help and support and then both for various reasons moved abroad. It was just me. Once you have been called twice in one week for various situations you learn that each incident doesnt need you to drop everything. Its also funny how the people who say they will be available suddenly arent.

Downsizing is not a thing in my home country. The property is usually only passed on to the children as inheritance after parents' death. My mom visited me last year here in the UK and made many comments as to how on earth am I going to cope in my old age maintaining such an old house and I told her I'm going to downsize when my kids finish their studies. She was horrified. She is a widow and lives herself in a huge house back home spending just a little less than me on heating in winter but she says she couldn't live in a flat (and she never has).

I think your parents are adults who can make that decision for themselves. There's no one-size-fits-all solution to this. Some people manage perfectly well in a large home until the day they die. Some feel it's too much for them when they're much younger than your parents.

My MIL, in her 80s, kept talking about downsizing, then moved from one 3-bed house to another 3-bed house... which needed a complete renovation. Seemed like absolute madness to us, but of course it was entirely up to her and she has every right to make that decision. She manages OK - although I still think it was an odd choice, there's a part of me that wonders whether keeping on top of things keeps her a bit more busy and active than she might have been if she'd bought a little retirement flat or something.

My mum's still in a four-bed house with a huge garden and she sometimes talks about downsizing 'one day' but I really can't see her ever doing it and my guess is that she will either be in the house until she dies, or will go straight from the house into a care home. She is increasingly forgetful so I worry about her short term memory, but physically she appears to be strong as an ox.

Mine are in their nineties and still in my childhood home. They don't have any huge sentimental attachment to the house, or even the area particularly, and both now admit that downsizing ten years ago when they had significantly more energy would have been a good idea. They won't do it now, and I won't make them as I think the upheaval would finish at least one of them off.

They are fortunate in that they are still managing stubbornly without any outside help, bar a gardener and they have a stair lift. They also have wonderful neighbours who look out for them. But they are rural and, although my dad is still driving, once he has to stop they will be rather stranded and life will get trickier. I know my mum will want to move closer to me if she is widowed but we will cross that bridge when we come to it, and it will be into a care home due to her dementia.

The real problem is uncertainty of how much longer either of them have, and I would imagine a lot of people also feel that by their eighties. Is it worthwhile starting over in a new place/home if I've only got a few more years?

Ultimately, if my partner and I are both still here and in good health by our early seventies we will have a big clear out and downsize at that point I think.

Ideally as soon as possible. I saw my DGM struggle with a huge house and garden. In the end she lived downstairs.

I moved into a bungalow a couple of years ago partly because I love them and partly to future proof myself. I noticed that even in my 50s (and I moved 3 times in 4 years) moving was much harder this last time and I'm renovating it which again feels harder than when I was younger. I think the garden is too big but I can outsource the work.

I'm hoping that once it's finished it will be easy to clean and maintain and then free up time to do other things.

Cinq - I am sorry to call you out but I knew from your comments that your parents haventt yet called on you.

That isn’t actually true. Unfortunately, I do expect it to happen more frequently in the near future.

My Mum and Dad are in their late 60's, still living in the same 3 bed house they have had for nearly 40 years and as far as I know, have no plans to downsize in the foreseeable future as they are managing and live in a quiet area. I reckon they will stay until they get to a point they can no longer manage or one of them dies or goes into a care home (this was the case with both sets of Grandparents).

I see what you're saying and I cared for bothe if my parents for years. The way I looked at it, I was giving them what they gave me. Towards the end though I was bear burnout and I knew my DDad would hate to think he was being prioritised above all of us to the point where one of us might have become sick. I would never judge a child who says they can't do this.
However.. wherever they might live, I can't see myself hopping on a plane to a holiday jf they've had a crisis.. surely most feel the same. That's no one's fault..they could be in the perfect customise apartment or care home and that could happen. So I don't quite get the referral to that scenario. Unfortunately that's one of those things.

I am 70 and would love to downsize but DH (nearly 80) won't so here we are.

It's up to them. My DM lives in a big house and would probably be better off with a smaller one or a flat. However she likes where she lives, the neighbours, doesn't want to move. While we DC may think it would be more manageable for her to move she is happy where she is. Aids like starlings, hand rails, go a long way in being able to manage. Xx

For the cost of a night or two in the nearest Travel Lodge or somewhere you could all still do family weekends or whatever.

They probably save a fortune having a small place to look after both in maintenance, heating and council tax.

My mother has a perverse love of the countryside, there is nothing nearby.

Whenever they want! I suppose if they’re physically unable to get upstairs, it might be time, but I know some people simply have a bed downstairs.

My mum finally decided to downsize some time after my dad died. I never asked/suggested it, it had been the family home for 40 years. I’d have had adaptations made and I got her a cleaner anyway once she moved. I think she looked at the 100ft garden that my dad always maintained and realised it was a big family house and decided. She’d always fancied a certain mini estate and my db happened to notice a place for sale and made enquiries. Getting rid of a lot of stuff took forever.

There's never a "right" time as no one knows how long they'll retain their mental and physical capacities.

Trouble is that tends to change very quickly rather than a slow/gradual deterioration for most people.

Once mental or physical deterioration sets in, it gets harder and harder to move, hence why so many people end up "trapped" in unsuitable homes that literally deteriorate around them.

If you're battling with dementia or cancer or some other serious health issue, you've simply not got the headspace to declutter, view other homes, deal with estate agents/solicitors, arrange removal men, arrange tradesmen to update/modernise/change the new home etc.

My parents hit the timing absolutely perfectly. They downsized to a small bungalow the same year that FIL retired, so he had plenty of free time to organise new kitchen and bathroom, redecorate throughout, sort out the garden, replace the garage, etc etc. A couple of years later he was hit by ill health, spent 5 years in and out of hospital and then died. After 5 years of hell, MIL was devastated but at least had a lovely home to live in that didn't need anything doing to it and was "future proof" for her with walk in shower etc. She lived another 15 years! She'd have really struggled if they'd not moved as his illness, NHS screw ups, etc and five years of hell left her devastated and incapable of doing anything to the house or moving etc.

Only one answer to that - Pants!

Before they need to. Having seen my parents and multiple friends’ parents make their last years v difficult by staying way too long in the family home we have a plan to move to a suitable retirement property at 70 whether we feel we need to or not.

The biggest issue and reading on here of some experiences is if people have loads of stuff. My MIL lives in a 3 bed house but the issue is she has the belongings of a 6 bed house crammed in to it which includes a totally full loft, garage and 2 sheds. The garage and sheds are floor to ceiling and you can't step foot in, DH has tried to persuade her to get rid of some stuff but she is a genuine hoarder. I would think sorting out her house will be at least 3 months FT and that is no exaggeration.

So while people can be concerned about heating, bills, upkeep and downstairs bathrooms. Really keeping a huge amount of stuff means we will need to sort it all out and that does annoy me. She has a lot of paperwork it’s not ordered at all and will need looking through.

Depends how much spare money they have. We are in our early 70s and are reluctantly considering downsizing from our largeish 4 bed home with big garden,, because we do all the housework/shopping/cooking/gardening/decorating and a fair amount of maintenance jobs ourselves. Paying to have all this done by others would take a huge proportion of our income. If we win the lottery, we're staying here, but with a cleaner/gardener/decorator and builders when needed, and a lot more meals out.

Having to cope with clearing out ‘stuff’ from a parent’s house isn’t all bad.
My mum died suddenly after a fall. She had left everything to me as she knew my two brothers would not want anything so DH and I were i.c. clearing out the house.
There was a lot to deal with but lots of lovely things. I now have very posh cutlery, a beautiful antique dinner service, a couple of pretty teasets and heaps of other bits and pieces including a raffia mat I made in infants’ school as a Christmas present for her. Also some lovely furniture. After her death we moved from a four bed house to a considerably larger 5 bed one, everything fitted somewhere if only in the cellar.
We have said to our DSs that just as I had to deal with mum’s possessions they will need to do the same with ours. They don’t seem too bothered and ask about the history of a lot of items and what should certainly be kept. We will neither be clearing out everything nor downsizing.