To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

[Purplenote]

I thought I always had a good relationship with my parents, i don't remember a great deal of my childhood but what I remember is happy memories and even as an adult I thought we were a close family. When dad got sick my mum became the main carer and my 2 brothers and I took turns to help out and we were all there when he passed 5 years ago.
Since my dad died I think I've become to realise that perhaps I always viewed my parents as one person because they were always together and now I'm seeing who my mother is for the first time. I thought she was a loving mother and grandmother but i didnt know She is also really impulsive, makes big financial decisions on a whim (and she doesnt really have much money to begin with), she also shows little to no interest in her children or grandchildren (I thought she adored my kids but now looking back it was prob mostly my dad), she is obsessed with meeting men on dating sites and will put that ahead of any family stuff. She also lies all the time often about insignificant things but sometimes bigger things. A few years ago we had a big argument about it and she turned so nasty that I swore I would never call her out again so I'm just trying to accept her as she is.

I know she is still hurting, she expected to spend her life with my dad and her life was turned upside down through no fault of her own. But I just feel like I'm grieving the person I thought she was. Aibu.

You could also turn that around and say 'AIBU to feel bad that I never really knew who my mother was until she was widowed?'

Or see it as her having changed, understandably, since she was widowed, especially if she was young and it was unexpected? She nursed your father, has been grieving and suddenly finds herself with this life she hadn't expected, and is exploring it. And it's more than just being 'a loving mother and grandmother'. And she's the only one making financial decisions for herself now.

I wonder if she was very dependent on your dad making all their financial decisions so she's never developed good financial literacy.

I also wonder if this dependence on him is why she's so focused on meeting a new man. Maybe she feels that she needs a man because she has no confidence in her own ability to do life.

It sounds like so much of her identity was wrapped up in your dad and in being part of that couple and then in his later years as his carer.

The lying and what you've said about her not being that bothered about the grandkids is odd.

I think this is also all about getting to know who your mum is as a person, not just through the lens of her as a parent or as part of your parenting team.

Do you not think your mum deserves to find some happiness, no matter what that looks like to you? Did you expect her to just sit around being lonely? I think that's really sad if you really did want that for her.
Do you not think she's able to be a loving mother and grandmother whilst still looking for some kind of romantic fulfilment now?
Maybe, she's now got a bit of 'freedom' and is enjoying spending money how she wants to. It may not be in sensible ways that you approve of, but, essentially, it's her life and maybe she's just hit a reset button and wanting a bit of fun?

Of course I want her to be happy. I'm just surprised that she sold her home and bought a much smaller place in a less safe part of town further away from her family.
I'm surprised about the men she has started relationships with (including one who she was with for over a year and was a complete racist (both in person and on social media)when one of her grandkids is mixed race)
I'm surprised she doesn't make an effort to see her kids and grandkids now.

I want her to be fulfilled I'm just surprised at the things that fulfill her. I thought she was an entirely different person

For me racism or homophobia is a hard line. You can reduce contact and grieve the relationship

She always worked full time and has always been financially dependant. She gave up her job to take care of my dad and then never went back as she was at retirement age.

I agree I must have never known her.

2 feelings can co exist

you can be sad / upset she hasn’t shown much interest in you or the kids since your dad died

you can appreciate how hard being a widow is for her and that she probably has had her whole life turned upside down. Maybe her dating a lot is to fill a gap that happened when your dad died

Maybe you both need to sit down and chat about your feelings

I don't think she is racist or homophobic herself (but who knows!) She was willing to accept that from a man. She didn't leave the relationship because of that but its over now and thankfully I haven't had to meet any of the men she has dated since.

Hi OP, I've had a very similar experience with my mum after my dad died. He was also unwell for a few years.

She remarried extremely quickly to someone she had not known very long. Fortunately he does actually seem lovely and I'd even go so far as to say I prefer him to my mother!

They moved to the other end of the country on a whim, and now she complains she doesn't see us (she lives 6.5 hours away...). She doesn't call. We rarely speak any more. She has become extremely self centred. Honestly the best way I can sum it up is it's like parenting a teenager.

After my dad died she was on the floor with grief. I ran myself ragged driving to visit her every weekend, sitting for hours in an office on the phone to her at work, and sorting out all of my dad's estate. As soon as she met this new man it was like a light switched and she disappeared.

She takes no interest in my life. Talks only about herself and her husband and all the wonderful things they do (whilst also simultaneously complaining about how tired she is from all the decorating and picking furniture and scenic dog walks - they are both retired). She is completely self absorbed.

I feel like I lost both my parents in a way. I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no answers. But you're certainly not alone.

So you have realised that your mum is…human…it’s not easy realising this. I realised this when my parents split for a couple of years (realised it with both of them) but do you know what @Purplenote its ok that they are human. We put them on pedestals because they are our parents. You are seeing her in a different light yes, but she is still your mother.

Thank you so much. Your experience sounds very similar to mine and I'm.so sorry you are going through this too.
You are right it is like grieving both parents.

OP I'm sorry, that sounds very difficult 😔 how long has it been since your dad passed? I'm only asking because grief can do very strange things to people and make them act out of character. And losing her husband might have made her face her own mortality and realise that her time is finite and she finally feels like putting herself first - she's been a wife and mother a long time.

Allowing your partner to be - I have left friendships over their casual racism. Staying is condoning it and ergo you are also racist.

People are complex. The loving mum you knew existed. Your mum didn't live most of her life pretending to be someone else up until now - that was her too. Try to think of it as seeing another side to her rather than discovering she's a different person altogether because she isn't, she's the same person in very different circumstances. She can be a loving person and a selfish one. You might have found your dad to be very different too had you had the opportunity to know him without your mum.

Thank you, your comment is actually really helpful even if it made me cry a little bit

I think a lot of women spend most of their lives pouring i to other people. They start out young, optimistic, with romantic notions of life and then life can sometimes beat it out of you. Maybe (and I don’t mean this in a callous way) she feels free again after a long time.

Think back to how much caretaking your mum has done during her life, was it quite a lot? Did she have her own fully developed life or was it around you guys and your dad? If she spent her life facilitating everyone elses lives maybe she is taking what may feel like her last shot at romance and having a carefree life?

Oh also horrified by her choice of men, I would have told her straight, if she’s having her second crack at life thats fine, but she can do better than that.

Maybe.
I mean she worked a lot so my dad prob did the lions share of childcare/housework though he worked too but my mum didn't really have any friends so could be trying to make up for lost time. She doesnt seem interested in making friends though, dating men is her main priority and her selection process is just basically anyone who will have her.... its difficult to watch

You know what, I’m a generally happily married person etc and I sometimes miss the feeling of dating, falling in love, being looked at with raw desire. I know thats an uncomfortable way to look at your mum but she’s human. She sounds like she’s on some sort of man bender, it will probably settle down as she figures it out.

Does she actually want another relationship but is being overly optimistic with crappy men? Or is she just dating? It does sound painful, I wouldn’t want my DD to have veiw of that is anything happened to Dh is I’m being honest. Have you tried suggesting something that would help her make friends? She may have lost her confidence to do so if she hasn’t had friends for a long time, she may struggle with it and the only kind of relationship she now knows to have is with a man or her kids. She is probably lonely.

She wants so badly to be in a relationship so she goes head first into things with any man that's interested she will overlook any number of red flags he just has to be male that seems to be the only criteria.

I find it hard to understand because I never really put finding a romantic relationship as my main priority. I was single for a long time before I met my husband and settled down. I had and still have a great group of girl friends who i loved spending time with, i had time to enjoy hobbies and was happy with myself and enjoyed living alone etc. So I find it hard to identify with her when she seems to think that finding a man (any man) is the ultimate success

But she's not you. You don't have to understand it. That's like me being entirely baffled as to why huge numbers of people spend their weekends enthralled by what Liverpool or Chelsea are up to. To me it's as baffling and niche as stamp-collecting or building the Taj Mahal out of matchsticks, but I don't need to understand it. For some women, being in a relationship, however dire, is a win. You will know better than some stranger on the internet why your mother may think that.

Is it possible that maybe your dad wasn’t who you thought he was and she was desperately unhappy?

Anything is possible, she always says how he was the love of her life and I never witnessed anything to say otherwise but she does frequently lie so who knows.

You sound really judgemental here. It's great that you don't 'need' a man but you also haven't been in the position of being alone after a long and happy marriage. It's great that you have a group of close friends but you don't know why she doesn't - maybe she found it hard keeping up with everyone when she worked and had small children. Either way, the details of her sex life and friendships are none of your business.

Chances are she doesn't know exactly who she is without your father either. Give her a little bit of grace.

I know that, I'm just surprised as I didn't realise she was like that. I didn't realise her priorities are so different to me and my siblings.