To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

[Purplenote]

I thought I always had a good relationship with my parents, i don't remember a great deal of my childhood but what I remember is happy memories and even as an adult I thought we were a close family. When dad got sick my mum became the main carer and my 2 brothers and I took turns to help out and we were all there when he passed 5 years ago.
Since my dad died I think I've become to realise that perhaps I always viewed my parents as one person because they were always together and now I'm seeing who my mother is for the first time. I thought she was a loving mother and grandmother but i didnt know She is also really impulsive, makes big financial decisions on a whim (and she doesnt really have much money to begin with), she also shows little to no interest in her children or grandchildren (I thought she adored my kids but now looking back it was prob mostly my dad), she is obsessed with meeting men on dating sites and will put that ahead of any family stuff. She also lies all the time often about insignificant things but sometimes bigger things. A few years ago we had a big argument about it and she turned so nasty that I swore I would never call her out again so I'm just trying to accept her as she is.

I know she is still hurting, she expected to spend her life with my dad and her life was turned upside down through no fault of her own. But I just feel like I'm grieving the person I thought she was. Aibu.

She’s focusing on her own needs, which is fine, but not in spite of the needs of her children and grandchildren. As OP said, she doesn’t feel like her mum shares any care for her or her children, that’s what makes her selfish.

Its understandable she wants to focus on love, but with lots of people, it seems to become obsessive and suddenly everyone else around them doesn’t get a look in.

It still aim to avoid racist and homophobic people. My FIL is one. My now grown up kids have met him about 6 times.
We kept it as brief and civil as possible, but he still managed to use the n and p words repeatedly. I found out recently that the kids refer to him as racist grandad behind our backs (not wanting to upset their dad).

I never want them to normalise racism.

Sounds like your father brought out the best in your mother.

Oh gosh. That removes me of a period in my life when I got it wrong.

When my DDs became young adults and my DH had died, I was really conscious of not being needy. Of letting then have their own lives and independence. I realised that it was important that I found a life of my own so that they didn't feel responsible for me. They had both moved out shortly after my DH died and were partnered up.

My new life didn't involve finding out looking for men, but I did make a new group of friends, and didn't invite myself around to my daughters, or, indeed, invite then to mine very often. I thought they'd feel obliged if I did. I didn't want them to feel responsible for me.

But I didn't communicate that. And they thought I'd chosen this new life over them. It was years before light dawned and we got back on track.

So have a conversation with your mum. It bought be that she feels she's got to get this new life rather than be dependent on you.

I think that’s what I was trying to say on the post below yours - I think for many who have been quite co dependent they have often let friendships and hobby’s go and suddenly find themselves very alone and it can be an easier option to meet men for regular company than find any new and close friendships - same for men suddenly on their own too - it’s very different when you no longer have school runs, school mum friends, and in many cases these days too colleagues who you see every day