To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

[Purplenote]

I thought I always had a good relationship with my parents, i don't remember a great deal of my childhood but what I remember is happy memories and even as an adult I thought we were a close family. When dad got sick my mum became the main carer and my 2 brothers and I took turns to help out and we were all there when he passed 5 years ago.
Since my dad died I think I've become to realise that perhaps I always viewed my parents as one person because they were always together and now I'm seeing who my mother is for the first time. I thought she was a loving mother and grandmother but i didnt know She is also really impulsive, makes big financial decisions on a whim (and she doesnt really have much money to begin with), she also shows little to no interest in her children or grandchildren (I thought she adored my kids but now looking back it was prob mostly my dad), she is obsessed with meeting men on dating sites and will put that ahead of any family stuff. She also lies all the time often about insignificant things but sometimes bigger things. A few years ago we had a big argument about it and she turned so nasty that I swore I would never call her out again so I'm just trying to accept her as she is.

I know she is still hurting, she expected to spend her life with my dad and her life was turned upside down through no fault of her own. But I just feel like I'm grieving the person I thought she was. Aibu.

Some of these replies are completely lacking in empathy for OP.
It sounds horrible, almost like she's got dementia and is acting like a stranger. I'd find that really, really unsettling. And there's not an excuse for lying IMO.
I agree that if she had no friends then your Dad was fulfilling that role for her. Therefore it's likely fuelling her urgent search for another man.
I think she's entitled to make her own choices, and you are entitled to feel sad and confused by them.

has it been said maybe the OP's mom in showing the signs of dementia previously easier to hide with the routine and now showing increased signs of cognitive decline?

She sounds a bit lost and like she is flailing around. Grief and the loss of a life partner can hit people differently. My dad 'really changed' when my mum died. I won't get into it, but there were similar themes around not caring about family and chasing around for a new love. A lot went down, we were estranged for a while and he's not close to his grandchildren who were young at that time. He eventually remarried to a lovely woman and now many years on, we have a good relationship.

I regret that in those early years I was angry with him and trying to tell him how to live his life, with some age and the benefit of hindsight I could have been kinder and let him find his own way.

I think you just have to ride this one out OP, your mum will be who she will be without your dad, that may include acting in a way you didn't expect her to, you either accept that or reduce contact or a mix of both. Hopefully in time, things will settle. This period, the few years after the loss of a parent and your mum's loss of a partner are tough.

It has crossed my mind. No other signs of dementia though she doesnt seem confused or anything.

It sounds like she was a good mother and a good wife. Now she is widowed and her children are grown she is living a carefree life. Why shouldn't she? Why should all the years she devoted to you and your siblings now be questioned? I think the way your talking about her and not only judging her current behaviour but also concluding that she has always been this person is unfair and unkind. Appreciate what your mum did for you when you where a child and young adult and the care and commitment she shown your dad.

@NeverDropYourMooncup by the time confusion sets in you are well into the disease process.
ex 10 yrs ago MIL was clingy acted less self assured rigid thought pattern it simply progressed gradually to Alzheimer’s the early signs were there but just thought to be “her personality”.

People change and part of growing up is realising your parents are 360 degree humans, not just the side you saw as a child and younger adult. I think you're well within your rights to decide that you do not wish to engage with any of her men friends, but that she's a grown up and can spend her time as she wishes.

I would let her get on, and let yourself put some sturdy boundaries in place so her behavour, while not what you want, has less of an effect, and let yourself feel short changed because you didn't get the mum that you wanted, and try and get to a place of acceptance.

I do appreciate everything she did. I just have no idsa who she is now and that is unsettling. I had a mother who would ask me to pop in every week to see the grandkids and she would have little treats ready for them , she knew all their favourite characters and loved speaking about them, she loved musicals and I would get us tickets to go every year and she never missed monthly Sunday lunch with all the family. I no longer have that mother.... I'm allowed to be sad about that while accepting that she's allowed to change.

People can often go off the rails in grief. This defo happened to my friend who was widowed. But her behaviour was vv off putting. I did try and steer and ultimately had to distance a bit. More stable now.

Has she accessed any grief counselling?

I think FWIW it's unfair to rewrite history - happy memories, being close as a family etc. That all still exists. Hold that dear.

But try and see the person in front of you. You may find you develop a richer relationship over time. That certainly happened with my batshit DM over the years post divorce- it's quite nice in a way seeing who see is.

I'd be most concerned about the lying, because it sounds possibly out of character. What sort of lies does she tell?

I think you’re totally within your rights to feel like this. And at time where it’s been forgotten that you’re grieving too.

Ive already posted on being at this certain time of your mums life, so I won’t repeat myself. All I can offer is that your mum must have been so happy with your dad. Women are softer and nicer and in their gentle era when they feel loved, adored and respected. Take heart that your mum and dad had that kind of relationship. Probably the kind of relationship where she had nothing to worry about and could fill her time with musicals, Sunday lunches, and grandchildren’s favourites. I’m currently in the the most “softest” era I’ve ever been in…I’m retired, all the worries of life are covered by my husband and it’s the closest I’ve ever been to my husband. I’ve got nothing but love and time for everyone and everything currently.

Another small point is how people have said how dependent your mum must have been on your dad. I’ve no doubt about this. But people of your generation can’t fathom how much you rely on your spouse at this time of your life.whilst you’re in the trenches of kids, friends, work…we really aren’t .We don’t want to burden our adult children with all our ailments but boy are they coming. To the outside world we’re just a normal aging couple with a fairly good life full of family, grandchildren, travelling and a nice house. To our adult kids we’re just mum and dad. But the reality is my husband and I are supporting each other through blood tests, doctors appointments, scans, arthritis, back problems and the such like. The old age saying is true “at the end of the day it’s just the two of you…kids grown up, family move away, parents die…it really is the two of you “.

sadly for your mum everything has changed, and in turn for you too. You may just have to ride this episode out until you find a new agreeable way.

It's OK to be sad she's changed but you're re-writing history. And that's not fair. To say she was only a good mother because your dad was around is disgustingly unfair to her... Two things can be true. She was a great, kind and very involved mother/grandmother. And now she's going through something that has changed her. I think you're underestimating how grief can affect people. She sounds desperately lonely which is why she's attaching herself to any man that will have her. Rather than judge her, maybe have a little empathy.

@ScoobyDooDooh

what kind of things was your friend doing?
I totally agree about how people can off the rails after bereavement - it happened to me

Meeting (hookups) with men (with no pretence of dating). It was nothing if not honest (on her part) but also risky.

@ScoobyDooDooh

oh right, I don’t think that’s bad tbh. If you just want sex, and aren’t interested in a relationship, then that’s what you do.

Respectfully, you haven't just been widowed. Your life experience has been entirely different. You're a 38 year old, she's a 64 year old widow with sudden, discombobulating financial and sexual freedom.

Expecting your priorities to be the same as you and your siblings makes no sense.

I absolutely get that you're confused by seeing this new side to someone you thought you knew, but people grow and change, even parents.

And isn't it possible that she reason she's lying to you is because it's clear you disapprove of everything she's doing, so she's hiding things?

this, OP! @Purplenote

I don’t get why you think your priorities would be the same?? You and your mother are at totally different stages of life. Your kids will be your priority of course, but they don’t need to be hers.

Sounds to me like she is grieving and is desperately trying to get back what she has lost. And desperate people do crazy things.

I'm sorry this is causing you more grief. I can imagine it's like losing both parents, because it's difficult to recognise the person you know as your mother.
I think we forget sometimes too, that our mother had an entirely different life before marriage and children. So no, you are not being unreasonable.

It may be she's somewhat of that generation that you need to be attached to a man to feel valid. Or it could be that she feels completely lost and terrified without your father, and she's trying to fix that. Could be she's determined not to be alone, so anyone will do. It could just be for the sex. Perhaps before marriage she was a wild child but settled down for your father and you all, and now she can return to this. Perhaps she's letting loose after being a carer and watching her spouse die. Could be that she's trying to do all this for herself, but not in a very measured, conscious or elegant fashion.

Also if she's of retirement age, it's competitive out there for that age group as it's still a case that more women then men are available. Or perhaps it's been such a long time since she dated (if ever prior to your father) that she's trying everything.

If you want to make sure she is OK (and be there for her), you may need to temporarily put aside your feelings, and your needs. I would encourage you and your brothers (what are they experiencing or what do they think?) to actively maintain contact and communication with her. Keep those lines open. When you mentioned certain behaviours, like impulsivity, and spending, also lying and getting nasty when confronted - was she always like this? All that behaviour was kept under control by your father perhaps?

However, if this is new behaviour, something else might be going on. So perhaps it's important for you and your brothers to somehow endeavour to understand her further, in a non-confrontational way. Engage her in discussions, ask qeustions so you can understand more. BTW, have you and your brothers had any discussions about this?

If your mom is settling for anyone who will have her , well then her confidence is on the floor & she sounds to me like she can’t cope with being alone .
I know she has you guys & her grandchildren, but it’s different, you will go home & she will be alone .
That’s very sad 😔.
Can you talk to her ?

I wonder what my kids think of me. 14 months bereaved. A carer for many years before DH passed. He and I were a Whole, I’ve lost half my whole, he did half the things we needed doing, I did the other half, him finances, me shopping and cooking, we planned holidays together and lived in each others pockets.

i struggle enormously doing EVERYTHING, most mornings I get up to having realised I’d not put the dishwasher on before bed (DH was insistent it was his job). Grief is nothing like I ever expected. It’s horrendous and I often want to run away and be reckless, and try and be happy, which is almost impossible as I felt I could only be happy with DH, until I met someone who made me laugh again but I also feel so disrespectful too, I sometimes feel like a petulant child who doesn’t quite know what they should be doing and I bear no resemblance to my self I know everyone knew before DH passed. I’m hoping time is a great healer.

@Leavinggriefbehind

You deserve to be happy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
💐

You did know her, but you knew the person who was in a partnership with someone who supported her with regard to her whole life- and she supported your father too, of course . Your mother is a completely different person now and this is the person you need to get to know now . Incidentally, you too will be a very different person when your husband dies or leaves, unless you’re fortunate enough to die first of course and then you won’t have to battle with the relentless grief the loss of a partner entails.

Had I been in your shoes when my father died and seen my mother in a different light, I would be as upset as you OP. I hope that somehow your mother is as now because of the rawness of grief and this is not a permanent thing.

It's always a wrench when you realise exactly what sort of person your parent is, particularly if it took a very long time for you to realise.
I struggled with the fact my mother lied all the time, until I was in late teenage- I finally let it go, and I have been far happier and had a better relationship with her since I let I go, and her barbed comments and opinions affect me far less.
Mourning the image you had of them is painful and pointless, it is far better to accept them as they are- otherwise you will always be shocked and disappointed by their actions, and hurt by their comments and opinions.