To be hurt that my mother is not who I thought she was

[Purplenote]

I thought I always had a good relationship with my parents, i don't remember a great deal of my childhood but what I remember is happy memories and even as an adult I thought we were a close family. When dad got sick my mum became the main carer and my 2 brothers and I took turns to help out and we were all there when he passed 5 years ago.
Since my dad died I think I've become to realise that perhaps I always viewed my parents as one person because they were always together and now I'm seeing who my mother is for the first time. I thought she was a loving mother and grandmother but i didnt know She is also really impulsive, makes big financial decisions on a whim (and she doesnt really have much money to begin with), she also shows little to no interest in her children or grandchildren (I thought she adored my kids but now looking back it was prob mostly my dad), she is obsessed with meeting men on dating sites and will put that ahead of any family stuff. She also lies all the time often about insignificant things but sometimes bigger things. A few years ago we had a big argument about it and she turned so nasty that I swore I would never call her out again so I'm just trying to accept her as she is.

I know she is still hurting, she expected to spend her life with my dad and her life was turned upside down through no fault of her own. But I just feel like I'm grieving the person I thought she was. Aibu.

My parents are both still alive but i had a similar experience in that my mum has become very different in the last ten - fifteen years.

Its difficult as we're no longer close because of the way she is now, quite selfish and a bit mean spirited.

I choose to remember how she was when we were younger, i dont believe she was always like this, life just changes people sometimes.

I think really your mum is navigating both grief and a place in the world without your dad. I’m old, I can’t imagine my life without my husband. We talk about it regularly between us because we are becoming of a certain age. I will be a completely different person if I’m left and he is gone. My husband would be better to be left really. It’s a morbid conversation I realise. But to navigate a world where you’re on your own after being a couple must be so hard. And remember we come from a generation that’s so different to yours. It’s hard to say without knowing the ages of you and your mum…but if your mum is my age, we didn’t enjoy “girlhood “. We barely went to uni, let alone travel, enjoy life before husbands and kids. Husbands and kids were an expectation and “best crack on with it asap!”.

And the thing is, we don’t really know our parents or what they go through, until we’re at that time of life too.I could give you so many examples of the times we laughed, were mean, even rude to my husbands parents (I didn’t have mine) at their (at the time) ludicrous conversations, questions, remarks etc. how many times my husbands and I rolled our eyes or got back in the car or house and said to each other WTF was that about???!!!

Well we’re now those parents and grandparents. Our children think the same of us. And really no one knows how they feel or be when this time of life comes to them.

I don’t really have an answer to why she’s not the mum or grandmother she was before other than grief and she’s trying to find a new way. I think the man situation is so caught up in loneliness, the need to have a partner because that’s all she’s known, the need to feel loved in the awful place she’s in right now.

You have no idea what you will be like in 30 years after a lifetime of child rearing and caring for a dieing man who was the love of your life.

@Purplenote "I find it hard to understand because I never really put finding a romantic relationship as my main priority. I was single for a long time before I met my husband and settled down."

Great little sermon there OP, taking the moral high ground. How old are you and how old is your mum? You're talking about two different worlds, one of them a widow's world. She's spent her life working, eventually caring for your sick dad and (despite what you say) I expect she did her fair share of childcare and home making. It's her time now, not yours and you've got more time left on this earth than she has (god willing). She wants to have fun and experience new things. It's far harder and lonelier being older and widowed than you can ever imagine. I know you think you and your kids ought to fulfil her needs, but that's a self absorbed, sexist and actually ageist point of view. You've discovered your mother is human!

exactly this 👏🏻

This is such a valuable and insightful post. 👏

I don’t think we always completely ourselves infront of our children. I swear a blue streak when DH and I are together, I never swear infront of DD. I speak bluntly because DH understands me so I don’t need to explain, DD gets a different “mum” version of me. Still me but a sanitised version which is geared towards being responsible, calm and reasonable.

I think we often don’t actually know who are parents actually are outside of our relationships with them. We don’t see them as complete humans separate from ourselves. So I understand it can be a bit of a shock to see perhaps who your mum is once she is no longer responsible for anyone but herself.

It may not be that she sees having a man as a success as such more that she is desired and cared for. It’s also easy to think “ah men aren’t that important to me” when you are young and you have options and time on your side. You have love and companionship from your friends who no doubt you relate to on a peer to peer basis. She has you guys and she is always “mum” and thats it. I would say she would benefit from friends, especially female friendship but I would try to look at it through her eyes so perhaps if you do talk to her about it you can do so with a little empathy whilst also trying to make sure she isn’t hurting herself.

Fair enough I'm 38 she is 64, so things were different in her day. it's hard for me to imagine any possible world where I would make some racist walking red flag i met online my priority over my own kids and future grandkids but as I said I am trying to accept my mother as she is now I'm just finding it difficult.

Trauma and loss are not easy to deal with.

She remains a person, not just your mum and your children's grandmother. She doesn't have to make her grandchildren the centre of her life. She doesn't have to prioritise being sensible with money. If she wants a romantic relationship above all else then that's what she wants and she is entitled to want it. She's probably lonely and desperate to feel part of a couple, loved and wanted and safe again. You say you never prioritised finding a romantic relationship.... You were young with your whole life ahead of you to find one. She isn't young, she has experienced the loss of a husband already, she doesn't feel like she has years to potter along quietly being the woman her adult daughter approves of and waiting patiently for a relationship acceptable to her daughter to fall into her lap.

I'm sure I would also find it hard if my mum had lost my dad at a similar age and become someone I didn't recognise. But I hope if my response had been similar to yours that someone would have told me to get some perspective.

A friend won't hold her as she goes to sleep, be there in the morning, last thing at night, cook meals or just be there at 3am, breathing and giving off warmth.

Neither will the men she's been choosing

It sounds like her and your Dad had quite a codependent relationship. You say she worked full time but your dad dealt with the money, and she had no friends.

She must feel completely unable to cope alone without a man. And if she has given her entire life to your Dad and her DCs, it’s understandable that she feels she’s entitled to focus on herself while she’s finding herself. Downsizing to a rough area suggests she has money worries and wants to free up cash. She might be finding it painful to spend time with your DCs when your dad isn’t there.

I understand it’s always painful to watch a train wreck, but try and find your compassion for her. x

I get it she can do what she wants, I'm just struggling to work out what our relationship is now. I find all the lies so hard to deal with and don't want to continue be introduced to man after man and then have deal with her inconsolable when the relationships inevitably end.
I just need to put some boundaries in place then she can live her life how she wants to.

She is only human. Don’t judge her now, she clearly done a good job by providing a secure childhood. Don’t say these things to her because it’ll hurt her.

No sorry I meant to say independent not dependant.... she always had her own money but they would have struggled financially like there wouldn't have been money to spare so she prob has more financial freedom now alright.

Similar, i thought I was really close to mine , we were actually enmeshed and she used me as a surrogate husband/admin assistant . Since my dad died and she doesn't need me any more she's dropped me like a stone.

How do you know? Even the most awful man is a physical presence with a temperature of 37 Celsius at 3am.

The most awful man can still wrap his arms around her or be heard breathing.

The most awful man is still speaking to her and at the very least pretending to like her some of the time.

Imagine for a moment spending hours, days, never feeling another human touching you, nobody to speak to, to ask what they want to eat or them to ask you what you want. Your house is empty. Your bed is empty. Nobody is there and there's a massive, gaping void where the one person in the world you chose to be with used to be.

That's what she's got.

Oh i remember the night spent consoling my mother who had an affair whilst my dad was alive, he was going to leave his wife then he didn't and dumped my mum. It's just not right even as an adult for a parent to put you in that position, worse as mine just assumed she could lean on me and I would have no loyalty to my dad. You have my sympathies op. But yes, you don't have to console her - that never occured to me but I'm 17 years on, a lot older and with therapy under my belt!

But he was racist.... if he was a nice man we would be delighted for her. We only want her to be happy. He put racist posts online and made racist jokes the first time I met him. Another ended up stealing money from her and the police were involved.... nothing a man did would make her leave. They all left her in the end.

I'd like nothing more than for her to meet a nice man but she is not interested In meeting a nice man so we are just on a red flag carousel.

Can you find a way to talk to her without her blowing up?

She does sound as if she’s making some terrible choices out of sheer desperation.

I would be very worried too if she was my mother.

@Purplenote

this OP. You sound a bit judgemental tbh.

also maybe she’s just in these relationships not because she can’t be without a man, but solely for the sex, with no intention of them going the distance….which is absolutely fine and her perogative

I'm not really willing to do it again she got so nasty the last time that i thought we would never come back from it and I really don't want to lose her completely.
I just need to accept that this is who she is now.

…and I posted before I saw your last post.

She sounds like she needs professional help.

I understand how that would go down like a lead balloon if you mentioned it, but perhaps she needs bereavement counselling.

Could you and your brother talk to her sensitively together?

Perhaps in that case it’s your brothers turn.

It must be so hard for you to witness. I would be concerned for her wellbeing too.