Wedding Invite to Husband Only

[MiniOneFree]

A wedding invite arrived by post today, we were expecting it and excited to open it.

Only my husband's name is on the front.

On the back it says 'this invite is just for the guest(s) named.

It's the reception only from 6pm, at a hotel, so not the actual ceremony.

This couple (let's call them Amy and John) came to our wedding in 2022. John is an old school friend of my husband's. They are in touch all the time. I met Amy at our wedding, she seemed friendly but as with weddings I didn't get to talk to her much. She made a comment which I do remember about my husband punching above his weight, which not only offended my husband but also we felt was a bit weird and rude as was in front of a group of around ten people who all laughed.

I want my husband to go to the wedding, if he wants, but would rather he didn't, but I don't want to stop him.

However he says he will decline and tell John we are away. However I want him to be honest and say he's not going as I've not been invited.

I think it's completely astonishing and I can't help but take it personally.

Is excluding wives and husbands a thing now ( like not including children) ?

Is it understandable to be so upset about this or AIBU?

People are allowed to change the ‘rules’ - I wouldn’t do it, but wouldn’t stop my DH from going.

The invitation is to your OH and it is down to him how he responds.
He does not wish to go without you (which is nice) and plans a bland general refusal - I think you should let him do that. It is an old friend of his and I can see why he would rather not rock the boat. There is a point to be made but it is his choice whether he makes it or not.

I feel like I need to know a little more before I make judgement on this.
from your posts I’m understanding that this is an evening invite so band/disco drinks maybe a buffet but not the main Wedding reception/breakfast meal.
if this is the case then often I’ve found one of the following applies-
Evening do that includes all and sundry. Plenty of plus ones. Colleagues, acquaintances etc. all the people that didn’t make the Weddibg ceremony and wedding breakfast/reception list.
OR
people are invited and if there’s a few from the same place no need for plus ones. So all old uni friends (just them, no plus ones) work colleagues (just them, no plus ones) sports/hobbies friends (just them, no plus ones). These groups hang out together.
does you DH fit into the latter category? Is the wedding nearby or is he expected to travel without you?
but at the end of the day, as others have said, they can invite who they want but your husband can accept or decline as he wishes and they shouldn’t be funny about him declining.
I think you’ll get a variety of responses here.
I am glad he has your back though.

I hate this new thing of not inviting people's partners to weddings. I think it's rude and shows a lack of care for whether the person you are inviting enjoys the occasion or not.

A friend of mine, who’d been at our wedding and who knew my DH for as long as he’d known me (over a decade), only invited me to his wedding. I thought it was extremely rude, declined the invite, and told him why.

I’d have been less insulted if he hadn’t invited either of us. Only inviting me seemed to smack of “I’ve never really liked your DH.”

I think them putting that only the names guest is invited on the back of the invite was them hoping that nobody would call them out on it. They know what they’re doing is shitty. To be honest, if my oldest friend didn’t invite DH to their wedding I would be inclined to ask why. Sometimes people need to realise they’ve created an awkward situation and not be given an easy “out”.

I’m guessing I might be in the minority with this opinion.

People can do what they want. But unless there’s something you haven’t told us about your relationship with them, then I think they’re a bit stupid if they don’t realise the kind of offence that this will cause.

Evening only - so neither nowt nor summat - basically saying you're not good enough for our ceremony OR reception. It sounds like a 'gift grab', but then no reason not to invite you too! Is there any history?

But it doesn't have to be a tiny wedding.

A friend was chatting to me about her son's wedding (a big Indian wedding), and saying how she'd have "liked to have invited all of us, but unfortunately the venue capped the numbers at 450"

I think it reflects where the groom / couple see their social priorities currently and in the future. Looks like the groom wishes to acknowledge his old friend on this important day of his life but is aware that they don’t currently socialise and are unlikely to in the future - so a token gesture to the evening do.

Just have to live and let live. People have different priorities and expectations and sometimes they don’t match up.

Do not bring it up with them - it wasn’t an oversight and it’s not personal - it’s likely a blanket guest strategy.

My cousin got married recently - I was over the moon to be invited to share it with her - she didn’t invite the spouses of any of my siblings even through she did invite some other cousins spouses. These are people she sees regularly and I were important to her personally.

We all had a fabulous day and I 100% respect and support any decisions she decided for her wedding that she was paying for.

@MiniOneFree seems like the bride to be is a jealous one. !
Is she just not going to invite any female that she thinks is remotely good looking !

Sounds like John is in for a miserable marriage.
Leave them too it!
Your dh should tell John the truth. There is a high chance he didn’t have anything to do with the invites and has no idea .

Who else will he know there?

I invited couples together even if i hadn't met the other half of the couple, to be honest 10 years on I regret doing this as 3 of these couples didn't actually stay together so I have these random people in my wedding photos forever, who I didn't even know then nevermind now.

My sister who got married last year took the "we are only inviting the half the couple we know" approach. Her husband's cousin declined the invite as his long term gf hadn't been invited, neither bride nor groom had ever met this girl. The cousin's mum actually messaged them and asked if she could come as they declined for this reason, my sister said "no, it's £120 per head and we have never met her, we are at capacity and have other friends we would rather invite over someone we don't know". I have to agree now I think back to my wedding and the people we invited, we were far too generous when it was so so expensive. I never even spoke to any of these people who attended ours either, what were they even doing there?!

If you only know 1 half of the couple I don't think there is anything wrong with it given how expensive it is to invite someone to your wedding these days. Back in the day you invited every man and his dog, but wedding costs are out of control these days, you just can't do it. When it comes down to chosing someone's wife who you met once at their wedding years ago and your friend of 20 years, you are chosing your friend.

I was invited to a colleagues wedding, they were not a close friend just a team member. Initially DH thought it was odd to invite 1 half of a couple, however no one had plus 1s and it was basically a works night out which dh would not have wanted to go to anyway. That's the only circumstances though where I would find ok, or if all school/uni friends but no spouses for anyone.

I do find it odd when a couple are getting married and invite people to come and share in their big day and celebrate their relationship but on the other hand cannot show respect for an established couple. If this is a close friend and not a group get together, I wouldn't go if DH wasn't invited and he wouldn't if it was the other way around

When my son and wife got married they were on a tight budget (they only involved us, both sets of parents in a couple of costs, the dress and the cake).

They made very carefully constructed invites. The best-mans (sons school friend since they were 2) girlfriend wasn’t invited. Bridesmaids boyfriends/husbands weren’t invited. No aunts or uncles, or cousins on both sides. Who was left? Parent's, grandparents, very close friends and as my son put in his speech the people in attendance were those who had shaped their lives. Their childminders, a teacher, a couple of friends who got us through a tough time in our lives and a gaming buddy from the internet!

Don’t take it personally.

You say it's not a "group invitation", but you wouldn't know if it were. They may well have invited a table of her mates and a table of his mates, and your DH is on that table.

My niece did this at her wedding and it was all fine, everyone came and had a nice time.

You saw Amy at your wedding four years ago and haven't seen her since. You barely had time to chat then and you took offence at something she said.

Your DH regularly gets together with John. It's perfectly fine for John to have a bunch of his old friends at his wedding and not invite their partners or spouses. Weddings are more informal that they were in the past.

Doubly odd given they accepted the invitation for both of them when they weren’t even married. Reciprocation is normal.

Who even invites one of a married couple and not their spouse to a wedding?? To me that screams ‘we don’t like your wife and don’t want her at our wedding’!
If I was invited and not my OH I’d certainly decline and make sure I explained why.

a) it's not 'new' - happened plenty of times in the 1980s and 1990s, to my knowledge.

b) Why would you be incapable of enjoying a wedding without your partner there? It can be great to go out with your friends in a group sometimes, without having to worry about including someone who doesn't know any of the other people there.

I think that the comment about your husband 'punching above his weight' was intended as a compliment to how attractive you are. In any case I'd take it as such.

I dread being invited to weddings these days as it's so expensive - you have the gift (usually directed to an expensive shop to choose from a list) travel to/from the venue, usually the cost of staying overnight in a hotel, buying a suitable outfit (so many brides are prescriptive about colours or themes), these days all you seem to get in return is an an indifferent buffet and glass of cheap prosecco for the toast & have to pay for your own booze at inflated prices.

All the focus seems to be on making the wedding an 'Event' rather than celebrating the union of two people who love each other.

I would suggest (as PP have) that DH says 'thank you for your invitation, but, regretfully I am unable to attend' & wishes them all the best for the future - no reason is necessary IMO. I'd send them a lovely card close to the day congratulating them & wishing them all the best.

The cynic in me says that, as at least 50% of marriages fail, they won't still be married in 10 years so no point in risking the friendship with recriminations about not inviting his wife - eg: you OP.

It doesn’t bode well for your husbands friendship with this couple. They’ve shown their hand. Hurtful, but sounds like Amy has some issues (maybe you’d outshine her?)

It’s weirder that spouses/partners aren’t invited to the evening bit than if it was the ceremony and meal. Venue must be too small or something. Weddings are to celebrate a couple - to not invite other couples is weird to me. I may be in the minority though

'Possessive' 🤔
I call it respect👫

I don't really understand the issue with not inviting partners/spouses if they are not the person you're friends with. Maybe that's how it has been historically but times change, weddings are extraordinarily expensive these days and if you have say 60 spaces, are you going to invite 30 people you're close to and 30 you barely or not at all know, or 60 people you really want to be there? I know what I would choose and I would place having all the important people there over someone I have met once thinking I'm rude, tbh.

Traditions change, which is not a bad thing. Couples are individual people and can do things by themselves, if your husband doesn't want to go that's up to him but it doesn't sound like you even like these people, you just feel snubbed because etiquette.

I'm glad to read that your husband won't go. If you have only ever gone to weddings since your marriage as a couple, then he should express his reason why framed as such.

My friend only invited her female friends, not their OHs as she said she could have twice as many friends rather than their partners, most of whom she'd never met.