To think my daughter shouldn't violence from a child in her nanny job?

[SoniaSwanners]

(Title is missing a word - should be 'Am I being unreasonable to think my daughter shouldn't accept violence...etc')

My daughter has been working as a nanny for about a month, for three children - 9, 7 and 4. The 9-year-old is fine, but the 7-year-old and 4-year-old regularly scream at her 'You're stupid!' etc, and the 4-year-old kicks her, throws things at her and regularly tries to physically hurt her. Once he threw a chair at her. This morning he grabbed her wrist and squeezed it as hard as he could, to try and hurt her. Previously he's said several times, 'I'm going to hurt you with this toy' etc. This isn't just an occasional thing, it's every time she works. The daughter also screams at the mother regularly, calling her stupid and refusing to cooperate. No punishments/consequences are ever given, as far as my daughter knows - the kids still get their daily 'screen time'.

I've told my daughter she ought to resign immediately. I think, on principle, that if you're a nanny and the children in your care are physically violent to you, then that's it, game over. You leave. You don't put up with it. But I've had no experience of nannying. Is this kind of behaviour something parents can reasonably expect a nanny to put up with/fix/work on, while remaining in the job. They pay my daughter minimum wage, by the way.

Am I being unreasonable to think she should leave right now?

Whatever the nanny does the parents have to be consistent with managing bad behaviour when she’s not there. No screen time, removal of devices etc, whatever works. Consequences. If not then what’s the point in putting any boundaries in place at all. If they’re not bothered that their children behave monstrously in the company of others then they will never change. They all have to be on the same page.

As a professional nanny she should have skills to manage challenging behaviour in NT children and be able to have conversations with the parents on how poor behaviour will be managed as a team. She should also have the skills to support children’s health and development while in her care.

If both parents, her and childrens needs cannot be met together then they are not compatible.

If she doesn’t have these skills she is not yet a “nanny”, more a babysitter, and needs to develop them rather quickly.

Absolutely agree!!

She's getting paid minimum wage because it's her first job - no one is walking in to a £50k role with no experience.

She definitely needs to resign immediately though, and leave this job off her CV.

It's a learning curve but there definitely are lots of wealthy families with spoilt terrors out there, she'll start being able to spot them at interview! Always meet the children, always do a trial and ideally speak to the previous nanny. If they've had more than one nanny in the last year be very cautious!

Sorry but she’s a human being not Mary Poppins. You can’t just erase engrained violent behaviour past toddler-hood with the right ‘skills’. And for minimum wage why would you even want to attempt it.

If the parents allow the behaviour as well then you can't fix it.

Writing as an ex-nanny, I just wanted to share a few thoughts.

Children don’t generally act out without an underlying reason. I think the first step would be for her to have a meeting with the parents to discuss the boundaries they have in place themselves, and to ensure that everyone is completely on the same page. Consistency is key, and it’s really important that the child isn’t receiving mixed messages.

From the children’s ages, I would imagine that your daughter has taken over from a previous nanny, and it’s quite common for children to be reluctant to settle straight away after such a change. When routine and structure are disrupted, it naturally takes time for children to adjust.

The advice I would offer is for her to focus on building connection first — finding something she can genuinely enjoy doing with the little one as a positive distraction. Allowing herself to be seen as a source of comfort, safety, and loving interaction can make a big difference, and that trust often comes before improved behaviour.

It’s the nanny’s job to set boundaries, you can’t be a nanny and leave all sanctions to the parents. Four year olds need a sanction there and then not eight hours later when parents are at home. I think the problem is the nanny is letting herself get in these situations.

i think the problem is OPs daughter is s babysitter not a trained nanny by the sound of it. Even newly qualified nanny’s aren’t on minimum wage. If she is a babysitter not a nanny then she should have quit weeks ago.

@SoniaSwanners Yes. Leave as soon as she can! The dc are allowed to be like this and they need much stronger parenting.

Then she’s chosen the wrong profession!

A nanny is someone who is employed to care for children. It's a job title, not a protected role. There's no required training or qualification.
Many nannies start their first job without much experience and on low wages.
I think by 'babysitter' you just mean an inexperienced or unqualified nanny.

A babysitter is someone who looks after children casually in the evenings, normally while the children are in bed eg 6pm-2am.

It's not ok for her to have to put up with that violence in her job, but she's an adult so it's her decision whether she stays or leaves.

Sod that, quit asap
I’m sure there’s much better nannying jobs about

There are plenty of nice, supportive families with lovely children out there - you don't need to settle for violent children with ineffective parents.
Or at least if you choose to, it's usually because they are super rich and you're getting paid extremely well.

And the whole minimum wage issue ….

If she’s getting minimum wage (net) then it’s not a bad start for a newly qualified nanny. Once experienced, she can command more.

I’m a nanny. Not a prison officer. I don’t work with violent children.

You’re misunderstanding. Discipline and boundary setting need to be achieved as a unit, WITH the parents and nanny. I don’t expect to leave of a weekend and expect no consequences for the same behaviour just because the parents cart be arsed to get on board. If they’re didn’t want to work together to reach a solution to better manage their own children’s behaviours and support me in that I wouldn’t be working for them.

The OP hadn’t mentioned ineffective parenting.
But a professional nanny will come into contact with many different children throughout their career, all with varying personalities, behaviours, and needs. Part of that role is understanding that children will have tantrums or emotional outbursts, particularly during times of change, and that these moments are not a reason to give up on them.

Children should be supported through these moments with calm, consistency, and reassurance. It is often during their most challenging behaviour that they need stability and emotional guidance the most, as this is how trust is built and emotional regulation is gradually learned.

Of course you are not unreasonable to think this isn't right.

Unfortunately, there is an expectation that anyone who works with children has to put up with awful behaviour, usually by people who are not in that situation themselves.
I have been bitten and smacked hard across the face in a previous job as a temporary TA, and made to feel as if I was the one in the wrong by the Head of the school, and that was over 10 years ago in a mainstream primary school.

Yes but this is a four year old, his ‘punishment’ shouldn’t last a whole weekend. At four years old a child won’t remember what they have done to not be allowed something three days later. A ‘punishment’ for five and under should be finished with within minutes. A child’s brain that young needs nurturing.

Is she not the nanny? The person hired to manage the children's behaviour? Her job should be to find solutions. She should be dealing with it or leaving the post. If parents are so quickly blamed when children can't behave then so should the nanny. If the parents have requested she doesn't discipline them then she needs to leave because she is compromising herself and the profession.

I know a lot of nannies. In the community I’m in, expats and rich locals will have nannies. There is a “nanny network” and families with little horrors will find themselves nanny less as nobody will work for them! And rightly so.

So am I. Children are great, because the parents are great. They never undermined me, boundaries are solid, and there's trust, both ways. I have lots of experience, and left family with violent children after couple of weeks in the past. Unruly children and unfit parents are not my problem.

Again, I’m not talking about a punishment lasting a whole weekend, don’t be obtuse. I’m saying that, if he was then violent to his parents in the nanny’s absence, they would react with the same consequences, discipline or sanction that the nanny would have.

The nanny has known the family for five minutes. The family have raised them as they are THEIR children. Of course it’s not the same thing 🤦🏻‍♀️ are schools to blame too for the fact that children arrive in reception not toilet trained and lacking basic manners, because this is no different.

There’s some extremely idiotic outlooks on this thread.