Worried about my small life

[Costell9]

I'm really worried about how small my life has become.
I'm 50. DH. 2 DC 12 & 14.
Through my 20s and 30s, I was so sociable. I had lots of friends and was always socialising. I was young, full of life, endlessly smiling. I went travelling independently all over the world. I simultaneously did really well in my career and progressed to a senior position really quickly. My life was filled with social invites, doing fun things with groups of friends, city breaks to Barcelona, Venice, Florence. Weekends spent in London at the theatre and in bars/restaurants, staying in beautiful hotels.
Fast forward to now.
My entire life has shrunk. I no longer see any of those friends. I've lost touch with them all.
My whole life now is working during school hours and parenting every other minute of the day. DH works insanely long hours but is earning a very average salary, which means I do everything at home - child caring, homework, taking DC to/from clubs, housework, cleaning, tidying, laundry, endlessly seeing to DC's needs. DH doesn't get home till 8:30pm every night. So every day is get up, DH leaves for work at 8am, get DC ready for school, this takes phenomenal work because DS has adhd with time blindness and poor working memory and poor executive function so trying to get him ready for school and out of the house on time is a struggle every day, if it was left to him he'd eventually get to school around midday, and DD will invariably have an emotional meltdown because she isn't coping with school due to her SEN so she requires a counselling session every morning just to get her in to school. Then I take them to school, go straight to work, work in a really demanding, draining job, rush home from work just in time for DC to get in from school, make them food, tidy the kitchen from the mess it was left in earlier, tidy up generally, put clothes away etc, take them both to their clubs, bring them home, cook dinner, clear up after dinner, support DS who needs to offload on to me every day about struggling at school, struggling in lessons, struggling with friendship dynamics, struggling with anxiety, so he talks and talks to me about his feelings and emotions and non stop friendship difficulties and constantly asks for my advice about various different situations - he needs so much emotional support. And then DD starts talking to me about all her struggles at school and her friendship dramas. I'm emailing school regularly to engage with them about both DC struggling and that feels like an uphill battle trying to get school to listen to me. I get the feeling they're deluged with struggling children. But because my 2 are quiet and well behaved and polite they're not getting prioritised by school which is making the burden greater for me as I'm constantly having to email them, go in for meetings, and then chase up all the actions they said they'd put in place but which never materialise. And then the homework battle begins and because of DDs severe SEN she cannot do homework independently, but gets detention if it isn't completed, so I have to sit and teach her homework to her and it takes soooo long to get through (year 7). Often results in her crying because she just doesn't understand the work and ultimately I am not a teacher. Homework is swallowing up every evening. I'm talking 2 hours of teaching her homework which would take 30 mins for another kid to complete. Then I'm getting them into bed. DS takes continuous prompting because he veers off task at every turn "Get your bag and books ready for the morning" "Ok" 30 minutes later find him in a world of his own daydreaming out of the window or looking at a book but no bag packed. "Pick your uniform up off the floor" "Oh yeah sorry I was in a rush, ok I will" but it never gets picked up so needs constant reminding. His intention is there but he cannot stay on task. And then DD's bedtime anxiety starts. Every single evening. Tears, upset, cuddles needed, calming strategies, relaxation techniques, takes me about 2 hours to settle her.
I collapse on my bed mentally drained and exhausted.
This is my life every single day.
My DC are both genuinely wonderful, they both have such gorgeous characters, they are worth every second of investment, but the level of time and input and support they both require is on another level.
And my job is manically busy and mentally demanding. And that's another thing - I've gone backwards in terms of career progression since becoming a mum instead of forwards. I was flying in my career in my 20s, more senior then than I am now!! Because I couldn't handle both. I couldn't fulfill a senior position, plus look after 2 high need DC, plus be stuck at home doing everything by myself every day whilst DH works till 8:30pm daily.
I don't go anywhere. I don't see anyone. I've lost countless long standing friends because I simply don't have any time to give to friendships. That hurts a bit; I've been dropped by what I thought were good friends because of my low level contact when I've explained to them why. I've reached out recently with explanations as to why I've been off the radar and have been ignored. But I have to accept that if friends don't hear from me and then don't respond when I do reach out then that's my fault. But I'm sad about it.
I've lost all my self confidence. It's vanished.
I've become so withdrawn and unsure of myself.

At least when DC were at primary school I used to enjoy the daily school run chit chat with other mums and often at pick up that would turn into spontaneous play dates where I'd have coffee with the mums. I enjoyed that. But since my youngest started secondary in September, that's all gone now and I don't even see school parents anymore. DC too old now for playdates whilst mums chat over coffee! Those mums still have younger DC still at primary so they all still see each other after school runs and I'm now out of the loop.
Been awake since 3am and made the mistake of looking on Facebook at old friends. Blimey. What a world I'm missing out on. Exotic holidays. Cruise ship trips to celebrate 50th birthdays. Groups of friends away together in France, London, Cornwall to celebrate various things. Endless party pictures all dressed up in beautiful dresses. Helicopter rides. Horseriding. Posts about their brilliant career progression. Pictures of massive beautiful houses. Friends glowing with happiness and prosperity in every picture.
Meanwhile we're just about managing to cover the food bill, camping for our annual holiday, live in a ridiculously tiny house too small for our needs, can't afford to pay for a cleaner to help me out, and I keep having visual images flashing into my mind where I'm upright in a deep pool of water and my head submerges below the water surface and I'm sinking down under the water with my eyes squeezed tightly closed. I'm trying to get up to the surface but I cant. The water is too heavy. I'm seeing this image multiple times a day.
How did my life become so small?

This. You need to speak to the school's SENDCO. about making reasonable adjustments to DD's homework. To start with it should be something That she can do on her own in a reasonable time. It should also be meaningful.

For DS time management, have you tried visual timers?

You need a tick box list for the kids in the evening, I appreicate these struggles but they do need some level of independence for when they get older.
E.g.

• Book bag sorted
• Uniform picked up
• Homework done
• Teeth done

Etc. and they tick it off as they go in the evenings. I really feel for you as it sounds like you are drained, hope you get some good suggestions. Also take some nights out with your old friends and leave your husband with the kids for a night?

Also, I know, it sounds trite to say go out to a club or whatever, but from my perspectiveI can’t argue with having to go to the relentless cancer related appointments I have which have to sit inside my already overloaded life, there is time for them because there has to be, I get the sense you would be able to make some time for yourself if you tell your husband you are going out for a couple of hours at the weekend or even just leave your kids on their own which it sounds like they would be able to manage. I know it’s hard but suspect not impossible

I'm guessing your husband is something like being a farmer working on the family farm to be doing anything like those crazy hours but still only earning an average salary.

Let's assume that he is doing actual work for 11.5hrs each day 7 days a week ( so a 1 hr unpaid lunch). If he was on minimum wage, he should be on £53.2k per year but I assume this is not the case and it sounds like he is just being paid a pittance.

If he is a farmer, can he take the kids with him to work at all, particularly at the weekends? I fully appreciate that If he is a farmer it won't be as simple as just get another job. It's like being in another world and no one really gets it unless they are in that industry.

If he is not a farmer, can he get a different job though to help give you some more support?

Its not your hormones, its your (absent) husband

Hi op you sound overwhelmed and no wonder
sen children should not be getting detention for not doing homework usually- need to unpick this
if this waa me i would write down and make a plan for each area and try to address it rather n than the whole lot .

you are getting no life ,x

OP I read something recently and it really stuck with me- it was in relation to your kids only being young once and it said but you’re only this young once too. This is no life for you and clearly it’s having a massive impact on you, somethings got to change. You sound like an amazing, incredibly selfless mum but you are losing yourself.

What sort of job does your DH do? Is there any potential for him to get a job where he doesn’t get home so late? It sounds like you are massively bearing the brunt of the childcare and everything that comes with that, whilst holding down a full time job as well.

Speak to school about the homework and the impact this is having at home. This isn’t productive for your daughter and I’m sure all the upset over homework isn’t helping with the bedtime anxiety.

Sorry if I’m overstepping here but it sounds like you also need to have a bit more boundaries with your children. Of course you want to be there to support them but listening to their friendship dramas for hours on end every night is just too much. Without being too harsh, they need to become a bit more resilient to this sort of stuff. You cannot be on hand every evening for hours on end to listen to this, you’re feeding the beast.

Your DH should also look after the kids so you can have a weekend away. I know you said you’ve lost contact with friends and lost your confidence but what about going to a retreat or something like that? There are lots of things like that where I live that people go to as singles or with friends. Or what about joining a book club or running club? You need friends, you’re too young to consign yourself to a life of loneliness and you sound like a really lovely person

Yes you need some more boundaries and to value yourself a bit more. You are not just other people’s support human. If you carry on like this you will burn out and then where will they all be? Your need your own oxygen mask on.

Frank conversation with DH where you tell him you can’t go on like this. Things need to change and he needs to step up to some responsibilities with his own kids to give you a break.

Are the DC as effectively treated as they can be? Is DS medicated for ADHD? Does it need adjusting? Is DD having any services or support and should she be referred for any?

Time limit on discussions about friendships etc. eg 30 mins. It does not seem as though ruminating over all this endlessly is constructive. Can’t you say you will listen but only for 30 mins each.

Time limit on homework. Just one attempt to finish it within say an hour and whatever is not done by the end leave it. If you give school a false impression of what they can achieve due to so much support from you they won’t see what the real needs are.

Once you have taken some of your time and energy back by boundaries and sharing the load then you might feel able to put some positive stuff back in for you like yoga or an exercise or art class or whatever floats your boat. You really need some time for you. And it is a need. Why can everyone else have needs and not you?

Your husband needs to find a different job, either with better hours or better pay to make this worthwhile (so you can afford some extra help and can have time to yourself, to reconnect with friends or focus on your career again if that’s what you want).
also why is he not the one settling DD to bed if he’s home at 8-30?

oh Op. That last image you describe is very intense and really shows your situation. You have a lot in your plate. Your husband needs to step up. Also, does your kids’ school have a counsellor? Else I’d go to GP to refer your kids to some kind of talk therapy. Finally, deep breath in. You have oxygen around you. Don’t be too hard and Id avoid fb if it stresses you. Remember everyone is mostly showing their highlights on there.