To not want to marry because of all the stress of a wedding?

[BlueBalloons214]

I will preface this with saying I'm a high earner, financially marriage will make me worse off. So please don't pile on with that advice.

DP and I have a 2 year old DD. Been together 9 years. Happy. Everyone at some point in the last few years has asked me why we're not getting married.

The real honest truth is, I know myself. The whole wedding dress shopping, event organizing, will cause me a ton of anxiety and stress and add a ton to my workload. I WILL 100% feel the pressure to get it perfect. We have big families, even if we stick to the closest relatives and friends we'd have 50 people to invite. I know my family, even if I try to do something casual, they will pressure me to add things here and there until it turns into a big event. The thought of organizing a shitty white wedding gives me hives. I just don't want to turn into some bridezilla and have 100 people look at me and judge my hair, dress etc.

I think part of why it's such a big deal is we do have money, I love fashion and hair etc, I'm a very stereotypical girly girl (although typing this makes me nauseous 🤣). I've just spent a weekend wedding dress shopping with a friend and we'll be the only ones from mine and DH's friendships groups who are not married after this wedding. Some have married and divorced by now too 🤣 because of my friends getting married, this question has come up a lot lately and people think I'm mad when I say I don't want to deal with the stress?

DP has said he would like to get married but he's not massively bothered. Legally or religiously, marriage means nothing to me so I can't be arsed with an elopement.

I bet a lot of long term couples that people wonder if they will ever get married are actually married and just couldn't be arsed with the palaver of it all.

I sent messages saying “are you free for lunch” to a few close family & friends. Nearer the time I gave them the time & address (this was to avoid MIL blabbing to the whole village), we had the civil marriage then all walked to a local privatised booking at a restaurant with Log fire as winter wedding. Later went back home with some of the stragglers (for more wine & dancing !)
It was a fantastic small intimate day.
I wore long previously owned boots & a vibrant blue wrap dress I got in a Sale !!. H Wore chinos & blazer. DDs talented boyfriend took the photos, informal, no interminable photo shoot. Hair was done in my kitchen.
It was the best day. SO many people said it was the best wedding they had ever been to .

But one day you will both die, and it's unlikely that you'll go together. Marriage is about life but it's also about death. It does make a difference. Do you want him to have your money without paying unnecessary inheritance tax, if you should go first? Wouldn't you do that for each other?

So grap two people off the street And go to a register office. It's the marriage not the wedding that matters. My aunt and uncle did that and were very happy until sadly my uncle died.

It’s really not that complicated OP! We got married for inheritance tax reasons after 26 years together. Booked a registry office, wore jeans and T-shirt, 2 adult DC were witnesses. Done in 15 mins tops. Had a lovely meal somewhere very swanky for the 4 of us. We told family when it came up in conversation 18 months later. It’s as complicated as you want to make it.

This! That's what we did. We're still happy 40 years on.

Elope! Don't tell a soul. Just you, him, and your child. Do it when you're on holiday or a weekend away so there's no fear of letting it snowball.

That way you can still make yourself look all lovely but wear whatever you like.

If people kick off about wanting a party, let them.

Being married will help with some legal things in the future. That's great that there's no financial benefit to you.

If you absolutely don't want to get married, you can do the extra admin, e.g. add your partner to your private pension as a named beneficiary, update your will. Souses will automatically inherit if their partner dies without a will. Not the case for unmarried couples.

It sounds like you're comfortably off, not sure how comfortable but there are tax benefits to being married, e.g. inheritance tax (usually no inheritance tax between spouses but can be up to 40% on estates over £325k), capital gains tax relief (asset transfers between spouses are exempt).

It also sounds like you have a good relationship and I'd guess he's named on your child's birth certificate. Again, if you were to die and he wasn't, as an unmarried couple there's no automatic parental responsibility.

Marriage is a sensible contractual decision for inheritance and tax reasons but it doesn't have to involve a big party and you don't have to do it at all if you put other legal agreements in place.

You're being really silly and quite childish to think that marriage is anything to do with having a certain type of wedding. Get married because you want to be married to your boyfriend, or don't. Don't pretend that you're not marrying because you don't want a big wedding. You can get married for a couple hundred quid with a couple of witnesses.

If you don't actually want marriage that's fine, though I'd urge you to rethink given you're building a family with someone, if you're the higher earner with money then imo your boyfriend deserves to be protected in the event of a split.

It's a bit of a pink flag to me that you are put off because you're sure your loved ones would successfully bully you into having the wedding they want you to have. If you're not mature enough to be able to manage life events in a way that works for you while politely declining the input of others then you're probably not ready for marriage anyway.

Don't you want to protect your DP though? If his job pays peanuts but he contributes to your joint life.

I’ve been married a long time. Really everyone did the big white wedding with the traditional wedding breakfast after and the dj and buffet in the evening!!

my SIL got married 3 years after me and went abroad. It was pretty unheard of back then. Both sets of the parents wanted to go and both were refused. They wanted to do it on their own (I don’t think my mil, her mum, ever got over it!) although they did have speeches/cake/party/photos when they got back. Which to me even then seemed a bit ridiculous, they may as well just had the wedding here.

Forward to today, I know so many people who have done it so many ways. On farms, in mums garden, eloped, the village hall whatever suits really. My son and his girlfriend would love to get married and worry about the cost of it…they have a child, their money is always needed elsewhere, they’re trying to save for a house deposit. We’ve said whatever they want to do, we’ll support their decision.

In more recent times I’ve seen some really cool weddings on TikTok. People walking through Vegas in their wedding attire…a couple who got on the tube there and back with a simple white dress and roses from Tesco (the pics on the tube were amazing!!). I think there are lots of ways to do it on various budgets, just make sure it’s the one that suits you not everyone else.

i have two cousins who haven’t yet married after like 25 years together. Their very adult kids like in their late teens and early 20s do wonder why though and it has become a bit of a family joke. Although all the kids say it bothered them right through school once they understood it.

Marriage is a legal wrapper. It's sorts out asset allocation, inheritance tax and next of kin in one stroke of the pen. Traditionally, it was also protection for the woman and the kids in the event of a break up (she would get something.) I appreciate that does not apply to you.

1. Do you want marriage for any of the legal or tax benefits, such as IHT?
2. Do you want a ceremony to honour your partner & yourself
3. Are you doing it to shut everyone up?

1 can be achieved with a quick registry ceremony and two witnesses. 2can be achieved with a blessing and a party if you want to swerve the contractual side. 3 requires growing a thick skin and ignoring people's hints.

Don't have a wedding unless you really want one.

The part I don't get is

What's wrong with going and getting legally married at the registry office?

Some relatives will be pissed off... they'll be pissed off no matter what you do

If you want to get married, and it's a legal thing, then just go and do the legal thing and you are sorted. You don't even have to tell anybody. Not for a while, anyway.

Do whatever you want, OP, but be sure that you understand how inheritance laws re: tax-free allowances are not on your side if you’re not married.

There’s ways to get married, have a “proper” wedding that won’t cause family upset and it not be stressful!

for me (got married a year ago) firstly don’t talk plans with anyone other than your fiancé, not best friends, not sisters and definitely not parents, just say you are taking care of everything, secondly dont accept a penny of help from anyone, means that no pressure can be loaded on, thirdly I went and chose a dress alone, i would have taken dd but she was working away but alone was great, two ladies from the shop, tried on various styles and took the decision myself. We had a church ceremony, rented the upstairs of a large bar/restaurant overlooking water and a blues band, had three course sit down meal then evening extra guests. Whole bill under £6k including the free bar

Small quiet wedding in registry office and wear what you want. We had such with a pub meal and friends round to our house . 40 years later no regrets . Weddings can cost a fortune . You are skint after paying for mainly people you don’t see again for ages . True acquaintances will understand.

I'd recommend the register office route too. We actually got married abroad and the main regret* I had was inviting other people. I wish we had just slipped off on our holiday and returned married. We felt that our parents would be upset and angry with us if we did that so we didn't, to spare their feelings.

I've read so often on here how awful it is to expect other people to spend lots of money and annual leave on our whim of abroad wedding, and now I feel dreadful about it - and I didn't even want to invite anyone in the first place! Very few of my relatives did come - my two DBs didn't - so I felt even more "not worth it".

If you do want to be married (not that you seem to) then go down the easiest route of register office with staff for witnesses. If you decide later you want the party side of it, it's relatively easy to arrange a big shindig afterwards but again if you don't want to, you can just sack it off.

*I did have other regrets like my dress which my mum insisted on doing her way, I wish I'd had the gumption to say No, that's not what I want. Don't be me OP, do it your way!

Obviously no-one should not get married because they can't be bothered with the faff. It can be simple as signing paper with a witness. No fuss required. The question here seems to be do either of you actually want to? Is it beneficial to you both? If no don't. If yes do. Don't use the faff as an excuse though. Own it and say you don't want to.

Registry office or elope. We were together a decade before marrying. I wanted the legal protection and my husband wasn't fussed on that but if we were doing it he wanted a party. So we had a big do.

Take the legal protection. So it how you want. You're an adult. Do what suits you