To not want to marry because of all the stress of a wedding?

[BlueBalloons214]

I will preface this with saying I'm a high earner, financially marriage will make me worse off. So please don't pile on with that advice.

DP and I have a 2 year old DD. Been together 9 years. Happy. Everyone at some point in the last few years has asked me why we're not getting married.

The real honest truth is, I know myself. The whole wedding dress shopping, event organizing, will cause me a ton of anxiety and stress and add a ton to my workload. I WILL 100% feel the pressure to get it perfect. We have big families, even if we stick to the closest relatives and friends we'd have 50 people to invite. I know my family, even if I try to do something casual, they will pressure me to add things here and there until it turns into a big event. The thought of organizing a shitty white wedding gives me hives. I just don't want to turn into some bridezilla and have 100 people look at me and judge my hair, dress etc.

I think part of why it's such a big deal is we do have money, I love fashion and hair etc, I'm a very stereotypical girly girl (although typing this makes me nauseous 🤣). I've just spent a weekend wedding dress shopping with a friend and we'll be the only ones from mine and DH's friendships groups who are not married after this wedding. Some have married and divorced by now too 🤣 because of my friends getting married, this question has come up a lot lately and people think I'm mad when I say I don't want to deal with the stress?

DP has said he would like to get married but he's not massively bothered. Legally or religiously, marriage means nothing to me so I can't be arsed with an elopement.

Elope or go to the registry office. It doesn't matter what anyone else says/thinks/wants. You aren't marrying them.

We are eloping! Same as you - don’t want the stress (or expense) of a wedding. DP has a huge family - I’m the bigger earner so will end up footing most of the bill for his family who we hardly see to essentially attend for a party. I also don’t like many of them and have always been made to feel a bit like an outsider since DP is divorced, kids are with ex wife etc and it’s always been that I’m generally ignored at any family events. They even have the audacity to often bring up ex wife in conversation. So sorry but I’m not paying for a huge wedding to keep his family happy.

We have a wedding planner organising our elopement. Other than supplying the necessary documents, getting marriage license etc, we’ve little to organise.

Im at the point of not caring what family or friends think. Quite honestly my opinion is if you aren’t organising it or paying for it then your opinion does not matter to me. And I cant wait!

Sorry - just to be clear - I liked DPs family at first till I was frequently ignored so now I’m quite happy to just get married. I will also make it clear to them that they make zero effort with us if they ask why.

i can empathise with your post so much. I hate weddings . I hate being the centre of attention. I had a wedding because my husband wanted one but it was quite small and low key. If I had my way it would have been registry office and something smaller

Well, don't do it that way. Have it as low-key as you like, immediate family and a couple of close friends each, nice meal in a good pub.

I had the bare minimum - registry office and just 2 family witnesses.Then nice meal afterwards for 6 of us. Low stress. Low cost.

We had a very small wedding due to budget constraints and also my fear of being the centre of attention and stressed. I have a very large family but we only had 16 people at our wedding and then we all went for a meal afterwards. It was lovely and very relaxed and many years later I am still glad we did it like that. I would recommend similar!

Just do it quietly and tell them when you get back ! Maybe have a party

Could you marry privately and host a 1 year anniversary party? Avoids the dress, chair cover, invitation faff.

I'm quite type A (also have diagnosed anxiety and OCD, so...) and was worried about this with my wedding, but to give you an alternative point of view I actually really enjoyed the planning. I didn't at first and ended up making some poor choices but I realised pretty quickly that my main anxiety was around one particular 'friend' judging me. As it happens, we don't speak any more and she wasn't invited in the end. Possibly worth unpacking whether there's something in particular like that putting pressure on you? I knew she would judge my dress, my decor, my band etc and it was getting to me. I have no doubt that some of the other guests also judged, but I don't care about their opinions so that wouldn't bother me. I absolutely loved my dress and decor etc and the photos are beautiful. Yes they'll probably date (although we avoided anything too faddy) but I'm really glad we did it.

We’re planning on getting married this year after 16 years together and like you don’t want the fuss of a big wedding . We’re having the kids and mums to a registry office the a meal afterwards followed by a friends party the following day in a local pub , the bonus is i get to wear my fancy dress twice .
maybe that’s the way you could go .

I wouldn't assume marriage will make you worse off. You're a higher earner now, doesn't mean you always will be.

We had been together 17 years and had 2 kids before we got married. We weren’t fussed before but once my eldest started school I found that I wanted the same name as them and also that being a Miss and having a “partner” made people assume he wasn’t the kids dad.

Anyway I booked a holiday to Greece just the 4 of us and then added on the wedding package. We told people a few days before we left.

The hotel wedding organiser did everything - all I had to do was buy a dress (wasn’t a traditional wedding dress) and it was absolute perfection, on the beach with a lovely dinner after.

Never regretted it for a moment and although Im sure some of the family were disappointed at the time they got over it.

we didn't want the hassle or organising so eloped to the Caribbean & married on the beach, the hotel security guard & events co-ordinator were our witnesses & it couldn't have been more perfect

That’s pretty much what we did too.

Then took over a restaurant for a big party for close friends when we got home.

My sister and her partner invited both sets of parents to a posh lunch and then surprised them by going to the registry office first.

I just did registry office with 2 witnesses for this exact reason. If it pisses people off, they honestly need to get a life haha. Its only as big and as splashy as YOU make it. or else dont get married- it doesn't really sound like either of you want to?

I had a biggish wedding. I enjoyed all the planning. It was more exiting than stressful.

In your position my preference would be to elope abroad. A lovely holiday with an intimate wedding. ceremony thrown in. A lot of places organise everything for you. You just turn up with your choice of outfit and no/few guests as you prefer. Also I know two couples who just chose the most basic ceremony at the registry office and didn’t tell anyone until afterwards.

OP it's your wedding (and your DH's). Weddings do take a lot of organising and it can get a bit overwhelming but you can do whatever will make you happy. There's no way to guarantee that things won't go wrong but you can try and keep it simple to avoid stress. You're not going to turn into Bridezilla if that's not in your character so I wouldn't worry about that.

Registry, tell no one. No party. Why is it anyone else's business?

Yes, exactly. It required zero organisation, or just a couple of phone calls to arrange the ‘notice of marriage’ appointment, all of which DH did. The totality of my organisation was making a lunch booking somewhere expensive.

If I were in your position I'd want to be married a
tor IHT/next of kin reasons. I'd head to the registry and never tell anyone. If you think they'd be annoyed just don't tell them you've gone and got married, keep it between yourselves indefinitely.

YABU not to get married if you want what marriage gives you, but YANBU not to do a wedding. That is something different and no point to it other than celebrating with family and friends. You just need yourself your husband to be and two witnesses. Job done. A wedding does not a marriage make.

I am in this position sort of we want to get married but we don't want the fuss of a wedding really but we do want to be married in the church. I think we probably just need to do it privately and let others think we aren't married because it will put so many noses out of joint if we don't invite them.

I am by far the higher earner, will always be and I also own the house we live in and a flat I rent out. DP works in a wonderful job in the charity sector which he loves and pays peanuts. Financially, marrying will not be an advantage to me at all. Although I don't mind it that much, I would still marry and protect some of my assets as most pre-date DP, but there is certainly no financial pressure for me, that's all.