To not want to marry because of all the stress of a wedding?

[BlueBalloons214]

I will preface this with saying I'm a high earner, financially marriage will make me worse off. So please don't pile on with that advice.

DP and I have a 2 year old DD. Been together 9 years. Happy. Everyone at some point in the last few years has asked me why we're not getting married.

The real honest truth is, I know myself. The whole wedding dress shopping, event organizing, will cause me a ton of anxiety and stress and add a ton to my workload. I WILL 100% feel the pressure to get it perfect. We have big families, even if we stick to the closest relatives and friends we'd have 50 people to invite. I know my family, even if I try to do something casual, they will pressure me to add things here and there until it turns into a big event. The thought of organizing a shitty white wedding gives me hives. I just don't want to turn into some bridezilla and have 100 people look at me and judge my hair, dress etc.

I think part of why it's such a big deal is we do have money, I love fashion and hair etc, I'm a very stereotypical girly girl (although typing this makes me nauseous 🤣). I've just spent a weekend wedding dress shopping with a friend and we'll be the only ones from mine and DH's friendships groups who are not married after this wedding. Some have married and divorced by now too 🤣 because of my friends getting married, this question has come up a lot lately and people think I'm mad when I say I don't want to deal with the stress?

DP has said he would like to get married but he's not massively bothered. Legally or religiously, marriage means nothing to me so I can't be arsed with an elopement.

Thank you! I think that would be the way to go, I really like that suggestion.

We went on holiday, drove to the county court house, in Orlando, waited till they opened at 2pm, first in the queue, 10 minutes later married, no guests, no witnesses, 50 dollars, all done. On arriving home, certificate on the mat. We didn't want the fuss, so we did what made us happy. Our 22th wedding anniversary in a fortnight, been together for 29 years. Legally married can be easier in some ways, but not all. Do what makes you both happy, you don't have to do the works and imo weddings have sadly become more about the show and less about the performers.

Get married abroad? I got married on a beach, had a bbq at sunset, chose my cake from a book and took artificial flowers. It was the least stressful most beautiful day of my life with 50 close friends and family. Loved every second.

Getting married was incredibly important to me tho. We’ve been together since we were kids, I wanted to be married before we had a family. It doesn’t sound important to you… so just don’t bother?

Would you give a man that advice?

Right...so to some extent, it's not so much that getting married would be a stress, it's that you'd feel pressure to do it in a certain way so as not to upset other people.
But it's not their relationship and it's not their wedding.
Some of the questions here ought to be "Are they being unreasonable?" rather than "Am I..."
You're a grown-up and your life is your own, and if eloping, or whatever, is the wedding that you want to have - if you want to get married at all- it'd be massively unreasonable for anyone else to object.

I’ve been married nearly 20 years and when we got married our financial situation was very different, at the time we were on equal footing, now my salary and saving far outstrip his so I’m not sure it would be a financially sound decision going into it today.

Setting that aside, we always knew we wanted to be married but didn’t want a wedding, not something that held any appeal for either of us, we both have complicated families and we hate being centre of attention. So we went to Vegas, had a great holiday and spent about an hour on admin and getting married. Job done and back out exploring the strip and seeing silly shows. Staff at the chapel acted as witnesses, it was all legal without any complicated steps back in the UK, it cost $120 and we didn’t invite anyone so didn’t have to deal with anyone else’s preferences.

No, because most men don’t work as hard as women - in terms of managing the household, mental load, planning, holidays etc etc

So don’t tell them. We got married with two witnesses wearing whatever we would normally have worn to work on a Tuesday, went for a nice lunch afterwards, and life went on precisely as before.

My lovely Aunt was with her partner for ten years. One day we all just got a phonecall saying they were married. They'd taken less than ten people- their adult children (one each) plus partners and their elderly mothers. (Both fathers had passed away)
They gave their guests a couple of weeks notice, all dressed up really fancy (but not traditional wedding outfits). They booked lunch in a nice restaurant. There's a gorgeous picture of them both drinking tea, as they needed a cuppa more than champagne!
They had the most wonderful day without giving anyone the chance to pressure them about anything.
I'd do exactly this if I was getting married again. I'm another one who did the full traditional shebang and didn't really enjoy it.

40+ years ago decided on the Friday evening over a bar meal to get married! Got a special licence and did the deed the following Friday. Told/invited parents/bro/sisters the Monday so had 12 guests then out for lunch. Went to the pub in the evening and had a bit of a house party on the Sunday. Do what you want not what other people expect. It is only as complicated as you make it!

Yes, very true. I don't feel a particular pressure (religious, financial) to marry but I do like the idea of a celebration/wedding in a romantic way. But then when I start thinking of everything involved, I know I'll turn into a Bridezilla* and I want to avoid that! I don't know how to do that except to just not do it altogether.

*edited to say I don't think I'm a bad person, but the stress and pressure and anxiety would get to me!

This is what we did. No one knew except the two friends who were our witnesses, no special vows, no rings or fancy clothes. Afterwards DH and I went for a nice but not extravagant lunch just the two of us and then on to a NT garden that we went to on our first date just for a wander, we got coffees. Headed home. Messaged everyone to say we'd done it. My mum thought it was a spam email, couldn't believe it! I must say, I have such fond memories of that day, it was really romantic and sweet in its own way, really special.

I am just not capable of being relaxed that way. I'm a perfectionist, prone to anxiety and overthinking. I feel like I'm old enough to admit this is who I am and I'd be setting myself up to fail really. That's the part I think people don't get.

If it wasn't for the fact that you're a high earner (and have a child) I'd think you were my eldest. She's very happily coupled up, but I know that organising the perfect wedding would just stress her to the point of misery.

If she and her partner ever feel that there's a reason for them to get married, I fully imagine that they'll come back from a holiday and announce that they did it, with witnesses pulled off the street. And I'd be delighted for them!

I've had the mother of the bride thing with my youngest. It was a lovely, lovely occasion, but I don't need to do it again.

Read the thread that is currently active by a woman who wasn't bothered about being married. But after 20+ years of being together, her DP said he wouldn't marry her and she now has no protection at all if he dies (she inherits nothing) or decides to kick her out (she would have nothing). she could lose everything just like that.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5485027-to-never-be-a-wife

read all the OP comments in that thread and then book yourself into the registry office asap.

marriage is a legal contract that blends finances and protects both parties. it is not just a fancy dress and a party.

I think you need to look at the whole wedding INDUSTRY as a money making scheme and view it with a critical eye.

At its heart a marriage is a legal contact and a wedding is a party.
Wedding magazines and shows want you to think that everything must be perfect and coordinated, when in reality it doesn't really matter... No one will know that the cake icing is the wrong shade of pink, or you had to swap the DJ at the last minute as long as your guests know where they need to be at the correct time and you feed them at regular intervals.

However, your bridesmaids will think you're being a knob if you tell them they all must loose two stone, no one can get pregnant and they all must wear a hideous shade of peach.😉

I have a hatred of weddings so we got a civil partnership with just 2 witnesses one Tuesday morning. We took them out for lunch we didn't do rings and I didn't change my name. This was nearly 3 years ago and most people don't know as my mum wouldn't approve!

If you have money can you just get a wedding planner. Spend an afternoon telling her what you love and what you hate, give her a date and a guest list and leave her to sort it all out.

Or just choose a dress you love, invite those 50 people to the registry office and afterwards to a private dinner in a restaurant wth lots of champagne. No bridesmaids or speeches or morning suits. Just a relaxed day

We’re planning to get married in a registry office where we live with PILs as witnesses.

I can’t be arsed with a wedding, I’d rather save the money for festivals and travel.

My boss got married in his lunch hour with two witnesses pulled out of the registry office waiting room.

First we knew of it was an email at 3pm inviting us all down the pub after work to celebrate it.

You do not need a big stressful wedding.

Perhaps read the first line of the OP where OP says she knows she will be worse off financially by being married and doesn't need the legal protection from it?

We didn't want a wedding either, so we didn't have one. We got married on a rainy morning at a registry office and then went for a nice lunch just the two of us.

We did it after a decade together because after my partner suffered a serious health issue (thankfully he's OK now) we realised we needed to pull our fingers out and get it sorted, to make things easier for the surviving partner and our family when one of us inevitably dies or possibly is hospitalised. It's valuable to be the legal next of kin.

Or we could break up, but we're not planning to!

We never told anyone in real life so nobody is offended. But frankly if we do decide to tell people at some point they can bugger off if they want to be offended about it.

I’m a huge introvert and while happy to get married just didn’t want the whole fuss of a wedding, but also knew that family (mostly my ex’s) would expect it.

In the end we had a summer registry wedding (in England). Followed immediately by a buffet lunch for immediate family (around 15) in our home. That was then followed by a big party with our friends. We were able to use our garden for a BBQ.

I didn’t have a hen night, nor bridesmaids, nor wedding dress nor flowers etc, etc, etc. it felt very low key and casual and there was little stress that it seems a lot of weddings cause.

I thought I would hate being the centre of attention on the day, but everyone is so truly happy for you and there is so much love coming your way - that you do truly enjoy the day.

I couldn't be bothered to organise a big do so just went to registry office with friends and had a few small gatherings with family after.
I think my MIL was annoyed but she was the reason we didn't want family there. She wouldn't have been happy whatever we did, if she wasn't the centre of attention. My parents weren't bothered.

We reframed it as throwing a big party - the wedding was incidental. 80 guests, hired a restaurant out that had a garden. Drinks before hand, wish we'd spent a bit more on booze behind the bar. Had a DJ. Had a photographer but in retrospect wish we hadn't. I'm not bothered by fashion so wasn't particurlarly bothered by what I work - if you like fashion - by something you really want to wear. If you love food - splash out on that.

It was relativley unstressful (his second wedding, I was old) so it was good fun really.

We used the restaurant flowers - no hen do, cut down on flowers - I had a bouquet done by local garden centre that was all wildflowers.

Because the lower earner in a committed relationship doesn't deserve stability and security? FFS.