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Original poster

To not want to marry because of all the stress of a wedding?

93 replies

BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:07

I will preface this with saying I'm a high earner, financially marriage will make me worse off. So please don't pile on with that advice.

DP and I have a 2 year old DD. Been together 9 years. Happy. Everyone at some point in the last few years has asked me why we're not getting married.

The real honest truth is, I know myself. The whole wedding dress shopping, event organizing, will cause me a ton of anxiety and stress and add a ton to my workload. I WILL 100% feel the pressure to get it perfect. We have big families, even if we stick to the closest relatives and friends we'd have 50 people to invite. I know my family, even if I try to do something casual, they will pressure me to add things here and there until it turns into a big event. The thought of organizing a shitty white wedding gives me hives. I just don't want to turn into some bridezilla and have 100 people look at me and judge my hair, dress etc.

I think part of why it's such a big deal is we do have money, I love fashion and hair etc, I'm a very stereotypical girly girl (although typing this makes me nauseous 🤣). I've just spent a weekend wedding dress shopping with a friend and we'll be the only ones from mine and DH's friendships groups who are not married after this wedding. Some have married and divorced by now too 🤣 because of my friends getting married, this question has come up a lot lately and people think I'm mad when I say I don't want to deal with the stress?

DP has said he would like to get married but he's not massively bothered. Legally or religiously, marriage means nothing to me so I can't be arsed with an elopement.

OP posts:
AlloaintheMiddle · 02/02/2026 21:12

You can always go to the register, in your normal clothes, with two witnesses, problem solved.

Now, you don’t seem that interested in actually marrying, so just don’t, it’s fine.

Nicecatneighbour · 02/02/2026 21:13

You could elope. Do the Gretna Green thing as a couple of days away, then throw a party when you get back and announce it then.

Original poster
BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:16

Nicecatneighbour · 02/02/2026 21:13

You could elope. Do the Gretna Green thing as a couple of days away, then throw a party when you get back and announce it then.

I do like the idea but that's bound to piss off relatives who inadvertently don't make it to the "party" though. Everyone lives all over the place (including abroad), there is no way to get everyone together for a pretend birthday bash or something similar.

OP posts:
MyBestThing · 02/02/2026 21:16

It's not necessary to have a wedding. I didn't.
Booked the register office and a holiday departing two hours later. Told my parents and his parents a week before, I gave a week's notice so enough if they wanted to buy an outfit but not enough time to change my plans. They were disappointed not to have a big wedding but we had been together 17 years by then and were immune to hints about marriage and weddings.

ultracynic · 02/02/2026 21:17

Some friends of ours had a surprise wedding - we all thought we were at the grooms surprise 40th until they turned up in wedding gear. Have either of you got a big birthday coming up?

Lmnop22 · 02/02/2026 21:19

If you don’t want to get married and don’t need to for security, then just don’t - it’s not for everyone hence why you’ve seen some marriages and divorces in the time you’ve been with your partner

MittensTheKittens · 02/02/2026 21:21

Options:

  1. If you have enough money, pay for someone else deal with the boring bits.
  2. ignore everyone else and only organise the bits you're interested in. (Who cares if great auntie Gladys is offended that you're not having yellow roses like she did)
  3. Elope
  4. Go to the registry office on a Tuesday and just do the legal bit.
zamu · 02/02/2026 21:23

It's not necessary to have a wedding or get married. It feels like you'd just be doing it to keep up with your friends. Buck the trend and don't bother. I am married and if I had my time again it would be registry office and fancy dinner with a few friends. Did the white wedding thing and didn't enjoy it.

LlynTegid · 02/02/2026 21:26

BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:16

I do like the idea but that's bound to piss off relatives who inadvertently don't make it to the "party" though. Everyone lives all over the place (including abroad), there is no way to get everyone together for a pretend birthday bash or something similar.

Show quote history

Just have the wedding and not the party. If asked, say that you know some would not be able to come and it would be unfair for some to miss out. Or ask for donations to a charity that is dear to your heart instead.

Planner2026 · 02/02/2026 21:26

You know yourself and you don’t want ‘The Wedding’ and that’s fine.

Do you want to be in a state of marriage with your partner/ co-parent though? Eg, if he is desperately ill in hospital, will you want to be his next of kin etc.

If you’re not bothered then stay as you are.

But if you would like to ‘be married’ then organise the most low-key thing ever. Registry office with two witnesses and a nice lunch somewhere, just you two and your little daughter.

Wish you happiness, whatever you decide to do.

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2026 21:26

Honestly, I do wonder if this is more in your head than theirs? I have occasionally wondered if couples I know are ever going to marry, I hope I’ve never said it. If I did them ‘not for us’ would have been fine. Tbh quite a few of them I don’t remember if they ever did it or not. I’m looking forward to marrying dp but it’s my third wedding and frankly a bit embarrassing. And I’m planning a wedding at the same time as my mother’s funeral, and yes it’s stressful. Why do any of that really? The single remaining benefit is probably inheritance tax. You could still do it one day as an elopement- maybe after the parents aren’t around any more to give grief - but you really, really don’t have to. I know someone who married just the two of them after 3 decades together and she says she wishes she’d never bothered!

pizzaHeart · 02/02/2026 21:27

Go to the registry office, do the legal bit and go out somewhere with your DH and DC (or without DC if it’s doable)
I think the key is to treat everyone equally. If you tell his parents and your parents they will say oh what about auntie Susan/ your siblings etc etc and the point is lost.
so just tell no one.

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/02/2026 21:29

I totally get you.

I hate organising events, and sadly unlike you I have no visual aesthetic sense at all. The idea of having to come up with opinions about invitation designs and flowers makes me feel absolutely desperate with misery.

If getting married doesn’t benefit you financially, don’t bother.

DH and I semi-eloped and never heard the end of it from my whiny dad and stepmum. If we hadn’t had to do it for visa reasons we wouldn’t have got married.

Gowlett · 02/02/2026 21:31

Don’t bother getting hitched.
You really don’t sound into it.
Apart from the wedding hoopla.
Not being married is just fine!

fashionqueen0123 · 02/02/2026 21:33

It’s not just about being the highest earner. There is also inheritance tax and other legal ramifications

Just pick the most stressfree option. Elope and go abroad or something!

Monochroming · 02/02/2026 21:35

I with you. Regardless of income, I can think of better ways to spend grands and grands.

That said, now I'm older and DCs involved it feels like the right thing to do. Plus I used to think being the wife sounded boring. I'd quite like to be a Mrs in my later years.

If we ever do get around to it, it will be just us, no messing about. Might not even bother telling anyone after the event either! 😆

ThatJadeLion · 02/02/2026 21:36

You're sensible!! BTDT and it was very expensive and stressful, I believe it affected our marriage (rifts between in laws). I hope the guests enjoyed it as I was so glad when it was over. Just do the legal but and spend the money on yourselves!!

canklesmctacotits · 02/02/2026 21:37

This isn’t a real problem. Given what’s at stake here for you both and your child, this is mental.

Original poster
BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:37

Monochroming · 02/02/2026 21:35

I with you. Regardless of income, I can think of better ways to spend grands and grands.

That said, now I'm older and DCs involved it feels like the right thing to do. Plus I used to think being the wife sounded boring. I'd quite like to be a Mrs in my later years.

If we ever do get around to it, it will be just us, no messing about. Might not even bother telling anyone after the event either! 😆

Hmm maybe when baby no.2 (ttc but not yet pregnant) is here and both kids are older, it would be nice to do it as a foursome (or fifthsome if I am blessed with 3 kids, which is my hope). That would be nice.

OP posts:
Yolo12345 · 02/02/2026 21:37

If you are the higher earner, then don’t get married!

OhDear111 · 02/02/2026 21:37

Getting married does have legal status. IHT if nothing else. Most family solicitors explain what advantages marriage brings. You can do a pre nup if you like. You don’t need a big bash. Rather nice to have only your closest relatives and friends.

Conta1nment · 02/02/2026 21:38

I had 30 odd people at mine and organised it in a month - registry office followed by sit down meal in London. Spent four hours looking at dresses and picked one. No bridesmaids. No flowers but the restaurant provided decoration as part of the booking. Got a lovely white taxi cab for my car. Invites done in about 15 minutes via papier from memory. Had a trial hair and make up one evening all went well. We could have done a lot more and I am sure our friends and families would have loved a bigger event - but it wasn’t what I wanted nor my husband so we went with it. No photographer either - just asked people to send us the photos they took of the day which was lovely. That’s not for everyone I know but the main point is you get to decide as it’s your celebration - especially if you are paying which we were!

Original poster
BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:41

MittensTheKittens · 02/02/2026 21:21

Options:

  1. If you have enough money, pay for someone else deal with the boring bits.
  2. ignore everyone else and only organise the bits you're interested in. (Who cares if great auntie Gladys is offended that you're not having yellow roses like she did)
  3. Elope
  4. Go to the registry office on a Tuesday and just do the legal bit.

1 and 2 sort of hit the point I was trying to make. I am just not capable of being relaxed that way. I'm a perfectionist, prone to anxiety and overthinking. I feel like I'm old enough to admit this is who I am and I'd be setting myself up to fail really. That's the part I think people don't get.

OP posts:
Bloozie · 02/02/2026 21:41

There's no law saying you have to get married.

Or listen to your families if you DO decide to get married.

Me and my husband started to plan a big wedding. Chose the venue. Started the guest list. Got very stressed because my husband is a people pleaser and wanted to invite every single person whose wedding he had ever attended - even 20 years ago - plus all of his friends and family. Guest list got to 300 just with his guests. He realised this wasn't realistic but also couldn't edit it down for fear of offending anyone that didn't make the list.

I meanwhile just could not be ARSED with all the fuss of it. I hate crowds, I hate people looking at me, I can't be arsed to engage with invitations and frills and flounce and faff - but like you, knew that if I was going to do it, I would have to DO it. Full bore.

So we changed tack. Got married in the registry office followed by a meal in a very very nice restaurant that had a maximum capacity of 36. We paid them to close for the night and that dictated our numbers. It meant we could have an open bar for the whole thing. Our food was outstanding, rather than mass produced catering. The booze flowed freely, abundantly and magnificently. We danced on the patio. It was a magical wedding. Full bore in a manageable way. People still talk about how good the food was. Do fewer things, well.

Original poster
BlueBalloons214 · 02/02/2026 21:43

Conta1nment · 02/02/2026 21:38

I had 30 odd people at mine and organised it in a month - registry office followed by sit down meal in London. Spent four hours looking at dresses and picked one. No bridesmaids. No flowers but the restaurant provided decoration as part of the booking. Got a lovely white taxi cab for my car. Invites done in about 15 minutes via papier from memory. Had a trial hair and make up one evening all went well. We could have done a lot more and I am sure our friends and families would have loved a bigger event - but it wasn’t what I wanted nor my husband so we went with it. No photographer either - just asked people to send us the photos they took of the day which was lovely. That’s not for everyone I know but the main point is you get to decide as it’s your celebration - especially if you are paying which we were!

That sounds great but the point is I wouldn't be capable of being so relaxed about it. I'll start off with good intentions and I'll slowly find ways to make it better and more perfect and I'll be spiralling down a black hole of perfect wedding dresses or whatever.

OP posts: