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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents en masse should have tried to hold the line and not give under-16s social media?

118 replies

Carla786 · 02/02/2026 18:43

I'm Gen Z and was not allowed a smartphone until I was 16 (primarily because my mother was worried her estranged & abusive ex would use it to stalk me) I was furious with her about this for ages & it did cause some difficulties but ultimately I'm grateful I didn't have one. A lot of drama & upset at my school seemed to be fuelled by WhatsApp, among other issues I've seen SM cause among my friends and wider peer group.

I know it's extremely hard especially when all other children have them...what was needed was a collective effort. If smartphones had never been allowed for under 16s, I think the current explosion in mental health issues, and related issues like online misogyny and ROGD would be far weaker.

OP posts:
BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 04/02/2026 19:01

Covid was a big issue here
Parents that never would have gave it early because of lack of contact with peers otherwise.

Then once restrictions passed it was too far gone to pull it back

SerafinasGoose · 04/02/2026 19:16

My 11 year old does not have a smart phone (pocket computer with full www access) and will not be having one until he's much older.

He started secondary school this year and has had a difficult transition, likely because of his autism. In the first term there has already been a serious enough incident with a class WhatsApp group to merit a full scale internal investigation. (They're not allowed phones in school until they've left the site for the day). IT experts were called in and the whole class read the riot act.

DC did say he'd overheard some of the kids who have been giving him a hard time since day 1 'whispering' loudly in his hearing about leaving him off the group chat. A couple of them later had mocking things to say about his brick phone. But if he'd been in the group chat he could also have been bullied from that angle; likely worse.

As DC wasn't involved in the WhatsApp incident I'm not privy to exactly what happened and neither is he. Suits us both. DC doesn't care: says as far as he's concerned he's not interested in joining any group chat which has those kids as members. It's a win-win for him - and because of that he's also not implicated in any trouble at the school.

Both we and DC are happy with our decision. We have no plans to change it any time soon.

ColdWaterDipper · 04/02/2026 20:39

Phones have never been allowed at my children’s school, I’m surprised to hear they are allowed at any! My boys have iPhones but they are locked down - no access to browsers, YouTube, or social media and they have to request permission to download apps. They have a 1 hour time limit on their phones (apart from messaging me and DH). When they got phones at the start of secondary school, we agreed no social media until they are 16 or possibly 18, and they are happy with that. I’d be very happy if all parents did the same, but we will carry on with our way regardless of what others allow their kids to do.

Ohthatsabitshit · 04/02/2026 20:42

It’s perfectly possible to have a smartphone and not be on “social media” none of my children did, we just said we didn’t think it was a good idea. All of them used it in the last few terms of 6th form or on joining university.

Barrellturn · 04/02/2026 20:43

My dc10 walks to school so has a phone. It has a timer on it so it's locked down during school hours and from 5pm until 8am. apps can only be approved by us, we check all history. They have WhatsApp but all chats are checked regularly and not allowed to add anyone without our permission.

The best rule is no devices upstairs.

RingInTheNew · 04/02/2026 20:45

PixellatedPixie · 02/02/2026 19:13

My 13 year old has an iPhone but it has no social media apps and it is blocked from having any apps added to it unless I put in a password on my phone that only I know. So she has the benefit of Find Friends and Maps etc but no social media at all.

Can you tell me how you do this? My son doesn’t have a phone yet but want to prepare for when he does!

JonesTown · 04/02/2026 20:47

Not for me. Social media is not crack cocaine and it’s perfectly possible for mature 15 year olds to use it sensibly. And also as part of a healthy and balanced life.

Nat6999 · 04/02/2026 20:52

We need to have tiered social media instead of launching straight into full blown into the platforms, make parents have to share the profiles until say 15, then have to give permission for added friends until 16. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.

Luckyingame · 04/02/2026 21:05

tobee · 04/02/2026 00:40

No. It doesn't work like that.

This.
Said ship has sailed years ago.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/02/2026 21:08

Might want to suggest it to our local bus company. Only way to get her travel pass to get to and from school is via their app, only available on a smartphone. (OK could pay extra and pay daily in cash)

Chipsahoy · 04/02/2026 21:11

It is the same as alcohol for me, you ban it, they sneak and they go nuts when they get it. One of my ds friends was banned so she just used her friends phones.
You educate. You communicate. You monitor.
My dc had phones at 12 and social media from 14. One is 18 now. He is a sports ambassador for his school and doing well in all classes. He’s also a rugby player. He learned balance. He didn’t and doesn’t spend all his time on his phone.
Protect your children by educating them. And boundaries which will differ for each child.

Chipsahoy · 04/02/2026 21:14

ColdWaterDipper · 04/02/2026 20:39

Phones have never been allowed at my children’s school, I’m surprised to hear they are allowed at any! My boys have iPhones but they are locked down - no access to browsers, YouTube, or social media and they have to request permission to download apps. They have a 1 hour time limit on their phones (apart from messaging me and DH). When they got phones at the start of secondary school, we agreed no social media until they are 16 or possibly 18, and they are happy with that. I’d be very happy if all parents did the same, but we will carry on with our way regardless of what others allow their kids to do.

Goodness 18?! How are old are your kids? You can’t possibly just suddenly allow something at 18 that they’ve had no preparation for or education or experience. Plus, how are you going to stop a 17 yr old? Mine is 18 just, he drives and he has a job, he has been paying for his own phone for a year. You have to let them go slowly not just get to 18 and suddenly allow everything. Lessen the control over time.

StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie · 04/02/2026 21:27

Yes I wish so. I’m a millenial and had social media from around age 14 before parents knew the dangers and saw some horrible things. I hope as we, and Gen Z, have our kids we will all be more mindful and keep kids off phones.

Goldenbear · 04/02/2026 21:28

I agree but the idea that other generations didn't have mental health struggles is simply not true, in the past it was just repressed or people drank or took drugs more!

mindutopia · 04/02/2026 21:40

My under 16s don’t have social media. It hasn’t been hard at all. I said it’s an absolute no go and never going to happen and it’s not up for discussion. There was a bit of grumbling the first year and then nothing more after that. They can have TikTok and Snapchat at 16 if they can be bothered, but it’s been no issue so far really.

They know the sort of parents we are and I think they can see how shit some of their friends’ parents are, and there is definitely a gulf forming between the good kids who are doing sensible things and not posting ‘sexy photos’ on TikTok from 11 and the ones who are always stuck on their phones unless they’re in the park drinking and vaping. My eldest definitely thinks those kids are a bit pathetic, so I’m happy that my parenting is paying off.

Gall10 · 04/02/2026 21:44

Lambington · 04/02/2026 00:00

YANBU. The collective failure in parenting over the last 15 or 20 years has been appalling. History will record a lost generation.
Very sad.

My big gripe on today’s parenting is they’d allowing children to scream…and scream…and scream. Is it now just not the done thing to teach sprogs how to behave in public?

jetlag92 · 04/02/2026 21:47

My children are 19,17 and 14 and B,B,G and we've never had an issue. Phones were given as presents at the end of Year 6. They were never allowed in rooms and I always checked them. Zero issues.

Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:49

Mumdiva99 · 04/02/2026 06:22

And then they just use the Internet enabled laptop - which they need to complete homework to go on these Web sites.
I work and am not home to police my secondary age children unfortunately. I can put restrictions on devices but they are far more savvy than me and can get around them without me knowing.....all you have to do is Google how!!!

I wish our kids didn't have them. I wish they weren't there but they are.

I agree the massive mental health crisis has been fuelled by this. I also think the explosion of behaviour issues are linked to screens. I feel they should be banned for young children full stop. -- but then lock down has a ton to answer for because all of a sudden we were shoving our young children in front of screens to learn and being told that was a good thing. They learnt that. It's hard to argue against it once it has happened.

Show quote history

A school PC would have some restrictions - you wouldn't be able to access WhatsApp, for one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:50

Tiswa · 04/02/2026 00:47

I think the problem with any age based restriction is that you don’t suddenly become equipped to deal with it at 16. I have a 16 and a 13 year old and the younger one is just as if not more able sometimes to cope with it that the elder one

we can’t simply have a pandora box moment of going yes you are capable now you can use it

as with everything a gradual sensible approach monitoring it and easing it in gently but a school ban for definite works

I agree but we do ban other things : alcohol, smoking, sex (at least ideally). And screens have been shown to be highly addictive.

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Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:51

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2026 05:24

I think in a way the controversy and (rightful) anxiety about this has had a positive effect because it is making children and young people more aware of the risks of social media.

My DD is 15: she and her friends are pretty apprehensive about social media and very aware of its risks and dangers for their generation. She doesn’t have any yet other than YouTube and WhatsApp and doesn’t want anything else when she turns 16.

Social media in the particularly toxic form we know it now has peaked. Smart teenagers will increasingly start to see it as a brainless addiction machine and will move away from it.

Yes, most of my friends have Insta but don't post much. Snapchat was never a thing in my school luckily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:53

frozendaisy · 04/02/2026 05:57

I think banning it is a daft idea

and them hand it over at age 16 during their gcse year when hormones are high

it would be much harder parenting a 16 year old through the pitfalls of social media than a 13 yr old that’s for sure

and if they are determined they will find a way

plus you can block anything you like on their phone, set time limits, deactivate it for bedtime hours - the tools are all there for parents to effectively ban this already

teenagers need guiding through the sludge that is online not waiting for the government to do it for them

our teens can spit an AI video better than me!

and it’s so hypocritical how many adults are addicted to their phones and influenced by what they see online without giving it any deep thought, posting pictures of their kids whilst then telling the kids they can’t post pictures of themselves?

it feels like a get out of jail free card for the platforms who host this nonsense

our teens have great fun with WhatsApp and YouTube they also know not to expect anal sex and choking when they get to that stage - those were fun conversations!

they need guidance through this not for it to be swept under the carpet

if your child is being affected by their smart phone use then do something about it

I think banning it is a daft idea

and them hand it over at age 16 during their gcse year when hormones are high-

I see what you mean but we do this for alcohol, driving, sex, smoking etc

And yes adults who post pictures of their kids should be restrained too. Instamums etc are disgusting.

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Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:55

BreakingBroken · 04/02/2026 05:59

Is it the smartphone or the content?
I believe there needs to be tighter controls on content; misinformation, and sexually explicit material for example.
because it’s not cooking videos or Lego building that’s problematic.

Even positive or neutral content is still addictive though often.

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Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:56

ConflictofInterest · 04/02/2026 07:11

Well I think YABU. My DC needs their phones to interact with the world as much as I do. My child's school updates for kids and their weekly changing timetable is on an app. Without their phone how do they check it last minute? It often has clubs cancelled that day on it. Their homework is set on a different update. The school only posts photos of school events on Twitter, not even on their website. All social interaction outside of school is arranged by the kids via apps. Even all the arrangements for brownies and guides is via a WhatsApp group. Their train and bus tickets need to be bought on an app, and if there's a problem customer service is on WhatsApp. One generation of parents hasn't failed, the world has changed due to technology in a generation and we are frantically trying to keep up. I'm the last person to adopt new tech but without a smart phone I'd be totally lost and so would my DC. It's necessary now. It's the internet that needs making safer, the companies need to make their apps safer, not stopping kids interacting with the world.

I agree schools etc embracing tech to such an extent hasn't helped either.

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Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:58

Anxiouswaffle · 04/02/2026 07:11

We're in Australia- the ban is a red herring i think - DS 15 (not particularly techy) found a way round it immediately (tbh i don't know how!) - they'd tried banning phones in schools before- it wasn't enforced- locking them in pouches- took seconds for the kids to work out how to break in to them- minutes for everyone in the school to know how. Parents won't stop their kids taking phones to school as the children may need them to get home etc...

I think the biggest hindrance is the role models-how to tell a child to get off a phone when the parents are on it constantly

I think all you can do is monitor usage/limit time when possible and educate

I get travel can be difficult but surely until mobile phones most children were able to travel fairly safely?

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Original poster
Carla786 · 04/02/2026 21:59

Needlenardlenoo · 04/02/2026 07:26

I have taken the view that the most important thing is to keep things open with your teen so they are happy to show and share with you what they are doing.

Forbidding and banning things makes them more attractive.

I agree bit we do limit a lot of things via ban until 16 or 18 : driving, alcohol, sex etc

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