To wish I had my kids youngers

[Itisgoingtobeok]

I had the first one when I was 33 and second one at 37. I don’t think menopause and teens are at good combination. I don’t have much to complain about just normal teenagers stuff; but don’t feel very mentally strong with menopause and SAD at the moment. I do work in myself: light therapy, vitamins, exercise, mindfulness, yoga.

I don’t want to wish years away but I will be 53 this year and feeling a bit ready to retire or at least have more freedom to go away in winter. Wish I would have saved more pension by now too.

Not sure what I am posting this; moral support and advice perhaps.Maybe I should try HRT, CBT, drugs. CBT is next on my list.

Went to Southern Europe for a few days with DH and felt a totally different person, more like myself.

Title edit: To wish I had my kids when I was younger.

If you’d had your kids earlier, do you realistically think you’d be thinking about retiring now or jetting off for the winter…?

Family life can be hard for women, you lose yourself to it a bit (a lot). It’s not unusual to wonder who you are and what you’re doing.

Shirley Valentine springs to mind.

It's swings and roundabouts though isn't it?

I had all 6 of my children in my teens and twenties and became a grandmother at 37, but I'm definitely enjoying my free time in my forties. I feel like a retiree even though I do work.

You probably have a better career and better finances than me and more security.

Yanbu, there are some benefits to having kids younger. But on the flip side are you not glad you had freedom in youth and (presumably) the maturity, life experience and financial stability to be the best version of yourself as a parent in your 30s?

I had mine at 32 and 36, and maybe I'll be eating my words in 10 years as I'm only 39 right now but I feel like it was the right time for us.

20-25 year old me was having a whale of a time, completely free, seeing the world, making colossal mistakes, she really was not ready to be anyone's mother.

I think this too sometimes- but then I couldn’t afford to buy my house until I was 34 so we’d have been renting with a baby / little kids and we’d have proper struggled to get that deposit !
And my husband and I earn way more money now than we did when we were younger and we would have really struggled if we’d had kids / careers wouldn’t have launched, there’s no way we would have afforded childcare either so I don’t know how we would have both afforded to work and pay for everything.

YANBU. It’s not just the menopause and teenage issues.

While my DM, who had me at 21, was able to help me with my DC, I won’t be able to help my DC in the same way.

My DM was 55 when DS was born. I’m already 60. If DD has her first at 34 like I did, I will be 71. It makes me very sad.

If you have a child over 35 I’m sure statically you live longer than women who had kids younger.

Its swings and roundabouts: having children younger less money and less career progression that’s typically stalls when having kids. Having kids older more money and career progression so you can give more financial to your kids.

I can see with menopause and teenagers this must be a hormonal storm! Is there any support you need more from health professionals OP?

Thank you. I just think second one no later than 33 or 34. Not too early. Definitely not kids before 30 was the right decision.

I agree with you. I think in an ideal world, we'd have children in our 20s. You're healthy, fertile and reasonably energetic. You get your life back in your 40s and get to be active and involved with your grandchildren.

Unfortunately, life isn't perfect and most of us didn't have kids in our 20s because we either hadn't met someone half decent or couldn't afford to.

@Itisgoingtobeok I have been having these exact same thoughts only you are 13 years ahead of me and I've also just had a 3rd DC. I love DC 3 with all my heart and am glad she's here but I'm starting to panic about my pension and cost of living with three kids generally. I also really miss travelling.

but then if I had kids earlier, I am not sure I would have been able to save for a house, go travelling in my 20s etc.

there must be some benefits OP? Give me some hope??

Inagree with you - had a ball in my 20's, was 35 when dd was born and now she is a bit older, l am getting to do my own thing more. Just wish dh grew up a bit cos he's like a child!

everything is just a step to the next thing - I wish I’d met my DH sooner, too, but equally the experiences I had before then shaped who I am now. I don’t think looking back is always super helpful, there’s so many what ifs, but how about trying to focus on the future? You’re only 53!! You have so much life still to live. What will you do next, to set yourself up for retirement - a job you love to get you there, bucket list things you want to try, building connections with people you care about. There are some things about the past you can’t change, like when you had kids. But others you can - learning something new that you’ve always wanted to try, for example. And I say this as someone who is mid 40’s with a toddler!!

I know what you mean OP. I was an older mum and went through menopause at the same time as having a teenager and my own parents becoming unwell and needing extra support. I also have the issue now that I’m 60 and not expecting any grandchildren for the next 5 years (if it happens), whereas a lot of my friends have become grandparents in their 50s. On the bright side I think that having a child at an older age probably kept me younger.

I am going to look into CBT next. The thing I was feeling ok until mid November with my vitamins and the rest. This year SAD hit me harder so thinking maybe is also mixed with menopause?

But by that logic there's a vanishingly small window of the "right" time to have kids? Cut yourself some slack, you're going through a rough phase, it's not because you should have done things differently, it's just a tough time.

Thing is, you need to have kids pretty young to avoid having teenagers and menopause at the same time. A baby in your early 30s isn't young enough to guarantee it - plenty of women are peri-menopausal in their mid 40s.

My DM was 68 when my DD was born and 72 when DS was born. She and my Dad helped out lots as they were retired and fit and active.

Honestly at this stage I am not sure I want grandchildren. I may help a bit now and again but can’t wait to get away in the winter months; don’t mind working just want more freedom than the usual 5 weeks annual leave,

It's never one size fits all. I had my DC late twenties/ early thirties so slightly younger than you. My eldest is in final year at uni and younger doing A-Levels. I think this stage is a difficult whatever your age.
... and yes, we were looking forward to slowing down and having a bit more time & cash. Sadly it's not gonna happen in this climate. Eldest will move back in with us and youngest looking at local university with prospect of living at home. They do need our support until they are in their mid or late twenties if they want to get onto the housing ladder and build decent careers for themselves. It sucks, but what else can we do?

@Pomegranatecarnage. That is good to hear, but it is rarer for people to be as fit at 70 as they were at 55.

Im 39 my eldest is 23 in may my youngest is 21, both moved out both in the army.

Yes i had them young and loved every bit of it.
Did i miss out anything no i didnt.
Im now doing my own thing loving life.
Was it hard work no harder than anyone else having kids.
I wont be having any grandkids either.
My sister is 42 and welcomed her second grandchild last year.

I once got told that young mums never make it work out.
I did i own my home outright i have a fantastic job and travel all over the place.
Its not the age its the mind set you have.

I think whatever age and way you do it, there’ll always be pros and cons. I’m now almost 52 with a 30 yr old, and a 27 year old and a 3 yr old granddaughter from my 27 year old. I’m retired (early) and my husband although a little older than me is semi retired. I’m sure to the outside world, we have it all. But my god was it hard with a baby at 21 and another at 24, with no help, really no money and absolutely no experience (don’t think I’d ever held a baby). I won’t bore you with every minor detail of bringing up kids in this time of your life, but I’m sure at your age now, you have much more patience, better advice, a little more money and far more experience than I could have dreamt of. That’s not a criticism of either you or me, it’s just different experiences.

It’s interesting, I had mine in my early 20s and it was something I was shamed about a lot in those early years (most of all online), certainly had a challenging first few years balancing career progression, babies and just generally adjusting to adulthood! Now I’m nearing my 40s with teens many people have changed their tune and realising the benefits of it all (probably due to hindsight and the fact I am no further behind than anyone else, perhaps even ‘ahead’ depending on how you measure!) but I feel a lot of regret for how I let people make me feel in those early years. I spent a lot of my 20s trying to prove myself.

Anyway, if I’ve learned anything it’s that there isn’t a perfect age. Everyone does the best with the hand they’re dealt, it’s worked out very nicely for me, but I’m sure it would have done if I’d started 10 years later also. There are pros and cons, maybe when we are in the thick of the difficult stages we obsess about the cons too much, I’m sure if you reflected on it more neutrally you’d remember why it happened when it did and why it was good for you.

You should do an AMA!

There are pros and cons for both.

I had my child very young and it was incredibly hard. My career plans were put on hold and I had no money. I mean selling paperback books on the market to have electricity in the meter poor, and having to buy baby clothes from car boot sales/charity shop poor.

It was also then difficult to train in my profession as I did my undergrad, post grad and doctorate while managing a family as a single parent. I had childcare support from my mum, but there was no contact at all with the father, and no financial support at all.

I think managing that would have been easier if my career and salary were what they are now, and that only comes with age.

But the bonuses are I now have a reasonable salary, mortgage free, so work part time and don't have dependents. I am not even 50 yet.

I guess having kids later you are more likely to have financial and career stability, more life experience and greater resiliency (although not universal of course)