To wish I had my kids youngers

[Itisgoingtobeok]

I had the first one when I was 33 and second one at 37. I don’t think menopause and teens are at good combination. I don’t have much to complain about just normal teenagers stuff; but don’t feel very mentally strong with menopause and SAD at the moment. I do work in myself: light therapy, vitamins, exercise, mindfulness, yoga.

I don’t want to wish years away but I will be 53 this year and feeling a bit ready to retire or at least have more freedom to go away in winter. Wish I would have saved more pension by now too.

Not sure what I am posting this; moral support and advice perhaps.Maybe I should try HRT, CBT, drugs. CBT is next on my list.

Went to Southern Europe for a few days with DH and felt a totally different person, more like myself.

Honestly @Itisgoingtobeok I had mine at 34.5 and just before 38. Peri hit as I went back to work aged 43 (8 and 5), did professional exams from 45, and when menopause ended at 51, the DC were 16 and 13. The teenage years are hard, they have more worries, tough exams, and puberty/adolesence.

I started HRT asap because I knew I'd struggle with teenagers and work. It was like a miracle drug for me and I'd get onto it straight away if I were you. The best thing I did at that time was see a gynaecologisr who suggested good titrations of tabs and patches and wrote to the GP to say that was what was needed rather than the cheapest on the market. £300 well spent.

Regarding the SAD, yes it has been awful this year, so little sun since about mid October and awful since December. A lumie in the mornings helps.

We had the dc when we had them. They are 31 now and 27. They are great. We are 65 and 64 - still working, me part-time since the autumn. We fully planned to have more time in a slightly better winter climate. We have a house in Southern France to facilitate but let me gently whisper Brexit - we have now to be very careful vis a vis total number of days and tax. Best laid plans and all that.

My only regret is that if we'd started 10 years earlier, we'd have had more of our lives with the DC but we didn't meet until 28/29 so it couldn't have happened. Also we tried to crack on as soon as we were married but had a few miscarriages, so it is what it is.

Sorry, that got long. I'd just knock back the HRT to get through the hard years. Tell your DH you are having a week in the sun every January if you can afford it, and he's lookong after the kids. A daytime walk between downpoors is good too.

This too shall pass.

Not sure if it helps but I am 55 and enthusiastic about retirement and don't have kids and not in a position to retire.

Menopause is tough, don't just accept it but get yourself checked out to see what you might be low in. In my case it was iron, took decent supplement and all is well again.

I believe that a lot women who wait for the mid 30's due to social pressure regret delaying having children.
Menopause and younger children is no joke, you've less time on earth with the children. You've less time in the future to support them when they have children, you've less chance of fertility problems too by waiting until your mid 30's.
I'm going through peri menopause with a 17 and 10 year old, there is a permanent dark cloud on my head.

I would have resented the responsibility of babies in my 20s.

Thank you. I have got blood test often; I have been low in B12 but having injections for a year now. Everything else seems fine. I was managing fine until mid November so I think SAD has a lot to do with it, but pushing myself with SAD lamp, vitamin D, excercise, magnesium, evening primrose, mindfulness. I am not too bad in the morning until about 1 or 2pm when energy drops and I have to have a coffee, lamp again, etc.

Spring is around the corner, will see how I feel before I go for HRT,

Thanks. I need to start researching into HRT and what are the best treatments, concern about secondary effects.

I think it’s more complicated than that. I had mine in my twenties and in my late 40s life is great. They are adults, one is post grad already I holiday several times a year with just my dh.
But in my 20s I was skint, I lived hand to mouth, I got divorced as quite honestly we were too young and I had little experience of life. I don’t think there’s a perfect time but you make the best of the time you do have

If you’d had your kids younger they would have been made of different eggs and sperm, and would have been completely different people. The children you have now would not have existed.

There's pros and cons for any age. You might have found it harder having them younger. You need to try and move on from worrying about it, you can't change it.

Theres an argument for both ways isn’t there?

I had my children at 33 and 37, and the fact that me and my DH were more established in our careers and financially stable means’s that I could afford to reduce my hours and be at home with the children more, we had nice holidays, we can pay for them to do extra-curricular activities etc…. But now I’m approaching mid-40’s, I’m tired, still in the depth of raising children and will be for a while yet. I miss time to myself and my own freedom.

My sister had her children when she was much younger (early 20’s) so although the children had a different experience growing up than mine did, my sister is now 43 and her children are both in their late teens, really independent and my sister pretty much has her life back. I’m quite jealous to be honest.

If you have them young. then you miss out on holidays ,Uni ,friends and so on.No perfect age really!I had my Son at 34 too .In my 50s and doing Uni trips and so on .

Unless women use a sperm donor or lie about being on contraception it’s not really up to women when they have children though, it’s when men agree to have children.

Most men do not want children in their 20s. The women I know who had their children in their 20s did so because they were settled with men who wanted children as well or had an “accident”.

I’m 33 and do have any children yet because it’s not just my decision. I would have liked to have had 2 by now but realistically where would they have come from?

I think it’s a mistake to think women are delaying children because of careers and holidays when it’s more down to lack of a responsible suitable man.

I suppose for some of us though we don’t plan our lives around being a grandparent in the future especially when there is no guarantee that you will even become a grandparent . My parents were in their 70s when I had my first and helped as much as they could but I didn’t expect them to . My children are my own responsibility.

I set myself a cut off age of 35 for having kids, based on my mum being 38 when she had me (80s) and it consistently feeling “too old” throughout my life.
Some of that was because of who DM is as a person, some is the area I grew up in (lots of teen parents, some of my primary class had grandparents younger than DM!) and some was to actively avoid the sandwich situation of small children and elderly parents I found myself in.
Society has changed and older parents are much more the norm but I don’t regret having a cut off as I think it’s been the right decision for us as a family

My mum had me at 38 and I never noticed any difference with her and any of the parents at school. She was just like any other parent. Strange the different experiences people have I guess .

I get it op. I had babies at 30 and 32. On reflection, I wish I'd had them late 20s, so we'd be a little bit further along by now.

So many factors go into if/ when we have kids and we just have to accept where we're at.

I'm another poster saying HRT has helped, but it's a personal decision.

I'm 56 and my oldest child is 35 and my youngest 26. I have little to no responsibility outside of my job. While that's great on a practical and physical level, the downside is that without the distraction I can spend way too much time in my head and have to fight the feeling of life being over/old before my time/lack of direction that is also depressing. I'm able to go away in winter, but realistically that's a couple of weeks, and there's a lot more time in between. I suppose my point is, aging, menopause, winter, its all challenging and if you'd had your DC young, you may well be fighting a different set of demons.

I’m the opposite. I wish I’d had mine later. I wasn’t mentally or financially ready for a kid in my mid twenties. I didn’t really enjoy having a kid then. I would’ve appreciated her more if I had her in my 30s like my sis had her son. But everyone is different.

I did both and can tell you yes it’s easier having kids in your early twenties. You just have more energy , feel more laid back/easy going. In my case family supported more (as grandparents were also younger/fitter ) only thing you lose is opportunity to build a career as easily and building pension if you are a sahp or work part time. We were skint through our twenties.

I had my kids at the same ages as you OP and am also now 52. I know what you mean and sometimes think to myself that my DM had two 20-somethings when she was my age and she was out of the parenting grind. I wouldn't have wanted to have my first at 25 though, like she did. I enjoyed my 20s and they were an important time for me to grow up, work, travel, etc. Plus, I didn't get married until 31 and I wouldn't have wanted to have kids before then. So, it is what it is. But I hear you. Solidarity! 👊

Edited to say: if you're not on HRT and you are able to take it - TAKE IT! I can't imagine going through this stage of life without it. I actually went back to work last year after a long break and it's been great - but would I have had the energy and confidence to do it without being on HRT? I very much doubt it.

I was 35 (3 weeks short of my 36th) when I had my son. I wish I'd had my son at 30, rather than nearly 36. However, at 25, I wouldn't have been ready for children of my own. I didn't meet my now husband until I was 31, we married when I was 33 and our son born when I was 35. It's easy to say 'I wish...', but you can't grab a man off the street and demand babies because you're 30!! If you don't meet someone until you're over 30, what can you realistically do??? Life doesn't always go the way we'd planned in our head.

My son is 15 (16 this year) and I know that within the next 9 years or so, my husband and I will hopefully retire. I then fully intend to go away on holiday a lot!!

I was 30 and 35 with my two. 35 was always my cut off, that is mainly based on DH age as he's 5 years older than me, but also on retirement age. Calling 21 as independent that means I'll be 56 when I'm "free", which gives a few years of shoving as much in savings as possible before retiring.

If DD's have children at the same age as me, that means I'll be 60 and 70 for grandkids, and that's fine by me. Hopefully I'll have dropped part time by then so can help out and DH is already part time and wants to be as involved as possible.

I couldn't have had children in my twenties, I was not ready in any way and those memories of lazy lie ins and the general freedom and fun get me through some of the tougher nights with DDs!

Now that I have a child (born when I was 33) and know what it entails - and am currently pregnant with my 2nd (at 37, same as you) - I do sometimes think I wish I had started a little earlier, just to hopefully be around/younger a little longer through their lives - especially with regards to my DH as he is older than me. Being a mother has brought me so much joy and fulfillment (and grey hairs 🙃) so now of course I wish my child had come into my life sooner

HOWEVER, there is just no way it was possible before 33 for me to have had a child, or not long before anyway. I just wasn't ready, emotionally and financially, was still enjoying a different kind of life with DH, holidays etc.

So really, all I am saying is in another life maybe I'd look to be start my family a bit sooner. But that's not reality is it? In this life, I did the right thing at the time and there is no use wishing for different. It is what it is and none of us know what the future holds.

Also, if you had your children earlier, you likely still wouldn't be retired by now?

Oh totally, I suspect it’s very person, area and decade specific. DM is great but there is no doubt that some of her personality traits made her seem older than she was (I am very different at 42 that she was, even without a 4 year old in the mix!) but in my specific cohort it was very noticeable that she was average 10 years older than most of the mums (and it was all mums back then) and 2 years older than a couple of the grandmas!

Women aren’t much good at choosing good partners in their twenties though. You tend to find the wrong qualities attractive at that age.