To wish I had my kids youngers

[Itisgoingtobeok]

I had the first one when I was 33 and second one at 37. I don’t think menopause and teens are at good combination. I don’t have much to complain about just normal teenagers stuff; but don’t feel very mentally strong with menopause and SAD at the moment. I do work in myself: light therapy, vitamins, exercise, mindfulness, yoga.

I don’t want to wish years away but I will be 53 this year and feeling a bit ready to retire or at least have more freedom to go away in winter. Wish I would have saved more pension by now too.

Not sure what I am posting this; moral support and advice perhaps.Maybe I should try HRT, CBT, drugs. CBT is next on my list.

Went to Southern Europe for a few days with DH and felt a totally different person, more like myself.

YNBU. The grass is always greener.

You can't change it. You know this. (that sounds harsher than I intended sorry). I get the vibe that you just want to offload. It is what it is. We'd all love to retire in our 50s but it can't be so for the vast majority of us.

I had my children a decade earlier than you and we have far less money than the parents of my sons' peers who have very different opportunities for travel and uni. The impact on my career progression (always worked but had to go part time, couldn't take up promotion etc) meant I'm earning less than half of my besties who had their first in their late 30s/early 40s. We have more freedom in our 40s but our mates all have little children so won't do the weekends away etc that we somehow made work when we had FOMO when our kids were toddlers.

I think you're right that this is more about your experience of menopause and mental health. It sounds like you're doing some good stuff to address that but definitely seek some hormone help, talk with your GP. I've had a few friends who were thrown very quickly into menopause in their 30s and 40s due to e.g. cancer treatment / hysterectomy and the HRT options were vital. Different things work for different people so there might be some trial and error but the gel's been working amazingly for one of my mates.

I had my children at age 22, 34 and 40 (I have horrendous pregnancies that leave me hospitalised for most of them with severe sickness. Takes years to muster the courage to do it again and I certainly couldn’t be pregnant with a very young child).

There’s drawbacks at any age to be honest.

I’m 46 now.

I was much better of financially at 22 than I was at 34. Owned a home at 22 and didn’t worry about money. 34 was very different. At 40, we were still clawing our way back.

I didn’t miss out on my 20s, I traveled the world with my child as I had money.

ETA I feel like I am missing out in life now, not because I have a 5 year old, but because everyone else in their 40s is acting Iike they are ready for the old people’s home. I want to be out. Everyone else I know wants to be in bed by 8pm.

@Hotchocolate4 yiu said swings and roundabouts but both your points supported one side! On purpose I’m sure!

It's a balance isn't it? I'm older and more cautious with my energy now, but then again I was a much better mother in the early years because I was older and calmer and more knowledgeable about myself and the world. I do not regret starting later than average.

I had mine in my 40s. Sure it would have been nice to have had them younger but I didn’t meet my DH until I was 39 so that’s just how life worked out.
My DH passed away suddenly seven years after we married. So then I became a single mum to a four and six year old. I’m 63 now with my youngest still at uni and dependant on me financially (her student loans plus her summer work cover her uni and living while there). I can’t change anything so no point thinking about what ifs.

I found a B vitamin complex, starflower oil, ashwagandha, magnesium bisglycinate to be a great lift to my mood, stress and overall mood.

Have you looked at the menopausal all in one daily sachets that are specifically for our age group?

Friends of mine swear by them.
Might give you a lift with mood energy etc.

I had my last child at 42....definitely too late.
60 with a really great teen, is too old IMO.

Shirley Valentine was 42! She’d be more likely to be pregnant with her first than having a mid-life crisis these days

I think you just have to make the best of what ever circumstances you find yourself in, for me I wanted to be below 30 as my parents died when I was young and wanted to minimise the chance of that happening again if I could, but not everyone is partnered up in their 20’s.

When me and DH were trying for Baby number 2 he had a cut off at 35 too.

He said he absolutely didn’t want to be a new dad at any age past 35 as he didn’t want to be an “old dad”.

Having dc is always hard. It’s hard if you’re 20 and hard if you’re 40. I had mine in my twenties and didn’t suffer any negative consequences in terms of career, education or home ownership. I’m still happily married to their father and am on the same kind of level lifestyle wise as people around ten years older than me now and all of us are dealing with teenagers. The only difference really being that I have (slightly more!) youth on my side and they probably had more lie ins than me when they were younger. We’ve all ended up in the same place so in my experience if you’re a sensible, driven type of person it doesn’t make much difference to your life when you take the plunge.

I made my mum a gm for the first time when she was 66 and I thought I had let her be really old as a first time gran. I’m 66 next year and I’d feel really young if I became a granny now. (I had my kids in my early 40s). I will most likely be in my 70s (or older) when (or if) I become a gp. I will miss many years and won’t see gc grow up (unless I’m a sprightly centurion!!) If I could have had the kids I have younger I would have, in hindsight.

I had my dc at 19, 21 and 26. I’m now 41 and my 2 oldest are lovely young adults, youngest is mid teen and also a lovely kid.
I stopped working when the eldest was born and didn’t go back until the youngest started school.
Of course a lot of sacrifices were made but we managed just fine, were never properly skint (and I know about skint because I grew up very poor). Dh and I still took the dc on holidays, saved to buy a bigger place and always had time away separately with friends.
I think it’s as much luck as anything else. I don’t think many people are as fortunate when they have kids young with someone they’ve known for 18 months and stay together - I’ve always had him by my side, he’s worked hard to get his business off the ground and thriving and now I’m at work earning well, of course a lot of it still
goes on the kids 😂
but the amount of free time I have now is quite remarkable, I absolutely love it.
i look at other parents i know in their 40’s with small kids spending weekends at soft play parties, swimming lessons and helping with school craft projects and feel tired just thinking about it. I’ve done my time and I was young and wasn’t exhausted, I didn’t need much sleep then (although they slept pretty well once they hit 10 months, youngest from 6 months), still don’t actually need much now but I don’t know, it didn’t feel like hard work - so fortunate that I didn’t financially need to work. In part because at the beginning we had a small flat and a small mortgage so we could save hard for a bigger place but we had the money. I think the older you are the more accustomed you probably become to having a nice house/car etc and have a relatively more expensive life to sustain before you think about the cost of adding children. We didn’t really have that financial worry because we could already comfortably sustain what we had.
Dunno, I’m really happy with how it’s worked out for me having kids young. Wouldn’t change it. And I’m sure there are people my age having dc for the first time that are more than happy with their choice. It’s your mindset too, making the best of things.

Which years of your life before children would you have cut out?
I'd like to be younger too, but I don't think that there are any particular years of my before children life I'd not like to have done. So I'd like to have lived as long but also now be younger...

True that it is your mindset. I think I am just struggling with SAD but pushing trough, and I am grateful for all I have.

Will check this out. Thanks

I had mine at 37 and 39. In hindsight I might have had a third if I had started at 35. Definitely no sooner though.
By 55 the youngest was at uni and we were child free most of the time. I actually liked that they still came on holiday with us.
Mine were hardest as babies and they were a breeze as teenagers so I guess it varies that way.
I think your problems are less about the age you had children than your overall health and wellbeing.

I would resent it in my 40s i would not want to do it at that age.
I have no responsibility at all now, i will always be a parent but i dont have to do parenting.
I would not cope with the schools in my early 50s.

You don’t always have to feel grateful, it’s not helpful for anyone to not acknowledge that they are struggling. Sorry to hear the SAD is causing problems, lots of people do swear by those Lumi lamps (I think that’s what they’re called?). Prioritise pockets of time for yourself and try your best to get out in fresh air, alone or with company. During daylight hours are ideal, I do it in my lunchbreak at work when I can during the winter months because it’s dark both before I leave for work and after I get home. I prioritise is for my own sanity.
and when I can’t do that I go in the evenings when I can (easier now since the kids are all older but I did it when they were little too when dh got home, even if it meant going out at 10pm! Podcast, headphones and off I went).

@Flowerpotsx Same here! But that's not helpful to OP I suppose. OP, no one has it perfect, there really are plus and minus to both and you can't change it but you are SO close to them being adults and having that freedom where you and DH will hopefully be able to do a lot more of those little trips. You still have so many years left to enjoy and enjoy them as adults

It would be worth chatting to your Practice Nurse or GP about HRT, it can make a real difference.

Yes, but fit enough. If I were to become a grandma in my fifties I’d still be working full-time. My parents were fit enough to enjoy looking after their grandchildren.

Im glad I had mine a bit later. My youngest DS is 18 and has ADHD and intermittent MH issues. I don’t think I’d have had the skills or patience to deal with his episodes when I was younger.
That said one of his MH triggers is having older parents. He gets very down and panics that he’ll have no support network when we’re gone ☹️

I know what you mean OP. I had mine a bit younger than you but not much (I was 31, 33 and 35) and until recently I'd have said it was the perfect age - old enough that I'd had lots of fun in my 20s and was in a good position career wise, young enough that I didn't have to worry about fertility problems. I do still think all that, but I am finding it a bit tough just at the moment - I'm 51 and I feel a bit tired and old to still have two teens at secondary school. Maybe as others have said it's just the cold dark weather and the menopause (which I am definitely going through!), which would be hard with DC of any age.

fuck all this “had all my fun in my 20” bs! I’m having a great time now. I know I’ve got a lot of fun to come.

imo
imo
imo

not trying to offend…..

Well yeah - I had heaps of fun in my 20s and 30s but because I waited to have kids later I have more money now and can still afford nice trips and travel with my kids (example spent my maternity leave travelling around Asia)

I still do most thing so did pre kids as well - I get out loads, still go to all the music festivals, still take heaps of trips,

still the same person! I don’t know why having kids means you need to totally change