To wish I had my kids youngers

[Itisgoingtobeok]

I had the first one when I was 33 and second one at 37. I don’t think menopause and teens are at good combination. I don’t have much to complain about just normal teenagers stuff; but don’t feel very mentally strong with menopause and SAD at the moment. I do work in myself: light therapy, vitamins, exercise, mindfulness, yoga.

I don’t want to wish years away but I will be 53 this year and feeling a bit ready to retire or at least have more freedom to go away in winter. Wish I would have saved more pension by now too.

Not sure what I am posting this; moral support and advice perhaps.Maybe I should try HRT, CBT, drugs. CBT is next on my list.

Went to Southern Europe for a few days with DH and felt a totally different person, more like myself.

Ok and I just took my young teens to Japan and we had a blast! We had kids 'young' and have nice trips and travel lots. In fact DH was 20 when we had our first. It doesn't mean the kids are going to have a shit life! And we will both be in our 40s when go off to uni. We can enjoy them as adults and we will have so much freedom and free time. I don't get this rhetoric of 'had all my fun' ok, what about the rest of your life? Are you saying it's over now that you've had children? if so, I feel for you. Not YOU btw.

But @Nezukokamado there are some types of "fun" that aren't really compatible with having young children. It's brilliant that you had a great holiday in Japan (I'd love to take my teens there), but I'm thinking of things like going out for a drink after work (without having to worry about childcare), staying out late clubbing (without having to get up with the kids with a hangover the next morning), spontaneously taking off for a weekend with my boyfriend (cheaper and easier to organise without kids in tow). Maybe you weren't into that kind of thing, which is absolutely fine, but my point is that saying "I had lots of fun pre-kids" doesn't mean I'll never have fun again! It means I'll have a different kind of fun, stuff that is feasible with kids.

What ? I literally said I still do all the same things I also did pre kids

🤷‍♀️ so I don’t know why you feel sorry for me 🤣🤣🤣

reason I can afford to do all these things with my kids (Japan, Thailand, South America) is literally because I waited to have kids when I had more money better job an owned my house

the travelling and stuff when I was younger isn’t the same as now tho living though they are different experiences with your kids - still amazing in different ways though. 🤷‍♀️

and i couldn’t go to Canada for a year now for example and work in a bar and live on an air mattress in a party house with 20people could I

When did I say I felt sorry for you? I don't feel sorry for you - I'm talking about myself and how I feel.

See I do always wonder how many people would get to their 35th birthday and say ‘right, that’s it, we’re childless. Never mind.’

Or … would you be more likely to say ‘well ok I don’t actually feel any different so we’ll try for another month or so …’

I was 40 and 43 when I had mine. I wouldn’t do it differently because then they wouldn’t be them.

I don’t know why having kids means you need to totally change might have something to do with the fact that they are exhausting and expensive 🤣

Hahah well yes - but I waited until I was older meaning I have more money / better job etc - can afford more childcare and therefore still have a bit of a life outside of just parenting

I think going out regularly even though I’m tired having to deal with kids next day is worth it to me

but I get it’s not for everyone

Hah my husband was 43 & 47 when our kids were born and he says the opposite- he’s glad he waited til this age and he LOVES being a dad ! And they keep him young 🤷‍♀️

I think it's because he wasn't looking at it from a "How do I feel now as a 35 year old guy?" but more as a "Do I want to be 50+ years old and dealing with a teenager? Or potentially helping to pay university fees when I'm in my retirement phase?"

He was also looking at in terms of what he wanted for his future, for example, it was always his wish to retire at 60 and spend months away visiting different countries etc and that wouldn't really be possible if we'd left having children until later than 35.

I get your points. It's more the people saying they had their fun in their twenties, or did all their travelling. I just think it sounds a bit like they only have memories to look back on and nothing to look forward to? Like, oh I did all that before kids so I knew I was ready to settle down or whatever.

no i said NOT YOU! right at the end

What I find surprising about this and so many other threads is the number of people who live by their heads, not their hearts. These detailed plans including 'cut offs' for having kids etc. I wouldn't say I'm someone who just let's life happen but most things I do are based on what feels right at the time rather than 'this is my plan so I stick to it'. I had post natal depression after my first and only baby and I remember the health visitor saying to me at the 9 month check 'do you have a family plan?' - I was still finding out whether I enjoyed being a mother to one or not...

I think I'm in the minority here but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Yes in the same boat here. I'm 49 and had my two at 27 and 39 they are now 17 doing a levels and 20 a student living at home.

I expect to have them home for the next few years as they can't afford to move out..in a high COL area.

Also got the elderly parents and in laws in the

There's no perfect time.

IL had DH late teens very early 20s - mortage and childfree by 40s - they had great time but MIl especially clearly felt she missed out on being young and it did become a massive issue for her. They worked till late 60s anyway.

Us I was late 20 Dh just 30 - left us very poor at times and fucked my career path up but overall ahppy - out of step with many we grew up with but also very much on early side for uni friends.

Had many uni friend wait till later till late 30s early 40s- some had miscarraiges some feared my not every get to be parents.

i was surpise how much vit D, Magnesium and zinc helped me get though winter spent years think I must have SAD but no just deficiencies.

I would most likely have more DC if I had started earlier which would have been good in some ways though more work I imagine. And they would have been with the awful BF I had when I was younger so that would have been bad. Agree DC and perimenopause isn't that fun though maybe I would have been this tired anyway. I wouldn't change it as was so ready having achieved a lot pre DC and better off financially and career wise

Tbh it is something completely out of your control really. Life never goes the way we plan it. Or certainly rarely. I met my husband very young and at school. We’re both now in our 50s and really in this day and age, it’s never lost on me, how lucky we are to come this far. But that’s not to say I might not have met him or someone else until my 30s or 40s. My brother didn’t get married until well into his 40s. He and his wife felt they were “too old” to have children, but that’s was their decision. I’ve known many a parent at the school gate through my teaching career, being an older parent at school.

I had my children when I was very young and wish I had them when I was older.

I think I would have been more patient and had more life experience which would have made me a better mother. I’m sure you bring more to motherhood than you realise.

I never think about it really. I had my two at 35 and 37 the minute I got a decent man in my life - and I’m grateful for him and our kids and happy family life. Mine are also now teens. I have lots of friends who had them earlier, but have poor health or tricky kids. There are so many variables that can make it easier or harder - age is only one of them! You never really know about the paths you didn’t take!

Would you really have wanted kids so young? I cant think of any benefit to it. Im 37 and my firstborn is turning 1 next week, hoping to get pg again this year. Spent my twenties enjoying my life, uni, hols, nights out, work opportunities and generally maturing, I couldnt afford a house till early 30s and had a string of wrong relationships and thank God I didnt have a baby to any of them. I waited patiently to find the right person and get stable. Life is so much better and everyone around me is pretty much in the same boat, fairly unusual to have kids before 30 nowadays. We'll all be in same boat down the line, I also have 2 workmates your age and they are going through same thing, my mam was also 36 when she had me. When im in my mid 50s id like to think about being able to retire whereas if id had kids earlier no way would I be able to then, id have been working for years with kids aswell, my career wouldnt have progressed like it did as id have been working PT in my twenties, it just wouldn't have worked the same. Everyone is tired with kids, and you definitely age quicker having kids younger!!!

I have a large family and actually had a child in my teens, my twenties, my thirties and my forties! I am definitely creakier physically than back then but I’m a more relaxed parent, more relaxed person, now. Wisdom, well, balance comes with age. I appreciate the little moments more than before - mindfulness is very important to me. I’ve softened my perfectionism and love of routine over the years and now get to enjoy a different me…my kids do too.

In some ways maybe it is easier for me as having children around is all I’ve ever known, but the children are not one of the things I find hard right now…hot flushes, periods that disappear for 11 months and then return with a vengeance, crying over nothing regularly, and painful joints, yes, but dealing with teens keeps my mind off those lol.

My mother was thirty when I was born and was really seriously unpleasant to be around when she turned peri/menopausal…

Tbh I wanted my children when I was a lot younger but was told I needed to go have fun first.

didn’t really have fun but ended up having dc in my late 30s early 40s.

I wish I had stuck to my original plan

All the women I know who had their dc as teens seem to have their life sorted. At 40 they are childfree and some are in Grandma duty and flying.

I do a lot better with Vitamin D tablets,
I’ve noticed, OP.

The trouble is remembering to take it… 🤦🏽‍♀️