DH was away for a week

[Betteroffalone88]

And it was the easiest week i've had in a long time

We have been in a rocky place for a while. Constantly bickering, me being moaned at for just about everything I do. Nothing I do is ever right etc etc

Two children aged 10 and 5. Even they said it was a relief he was away

If I finished work at 5:02pm no moaning about how I was late and should log off dead on 5

No moaning about how I make a mess of the bathroom (I don't) but he can't seem to grasp i have longer hair than him so take longer

No being moaned at or told what I can or can't wear

No being moaned at for not paying him attebtion when trying to work but when i try and talk to him when hes on the phone I get told to be quiet

No moaning about how I walk or am occasionally clumsy (accidently knocked a show off the rack earlier, would have thought I'd hit him or something for the amount of moaning about that)

No moaning if I let the kids have a biscuits before dinner when i'm trying to juggle working and the hour between school pick uo and logging off

This means its over doesn't it

I would go for couples counselling. Not to mend it (though it might) but to end it better.

When everything feels easier and better because he is away for a week, that is a massive red flag. I wonder why you aren't addressing OP's husband's awful behaviour in your posts? Do you think what he is doing is in any way acceptable?

I think the most telling thing is the DC’s attitude to him being away

Split.
You will be happier.

At the risk of sounding a bit peak Mumsnet, could he be having an affair? The constantly finding fault with you and not being glad to be back with his family raises a red flag.

Maybe he wants out too but hasn't the decency to say, so wants you to so he can play the wronged victim.

I agree but if the OP is under coercive control things will get worse not better. Although separation will have its own dangers at least OP will live her own life and not her H's. And coercive control is very damaging to the DC, who can be affected by it and have it inform their future relationships, making them equally unhealthy.

OP has pointed out a multitude of examples showing completely unreasonable behaviour which would make anybody feel quite rightly miserable. This is not moaning. Twisting a reasonable argument, as you have done, is a tactic used to deflect and avoid accountability for poor behaviour. These are exactly the kind of tactics used to keep good willed, honest, kind people, like the op, trapped in a cycle of abusive behaviour. Kindly, you should really try and change that about yourself.

Having been a single parent and experienced in the challenges of that, I normally advocate attempts to resolve relationship issues.
That said, your experience is extreme and unless he has awareness of the abuse and stress that he is putting you in with the recognition that he needs to change, I believe your future is significantly better without him.
His actions are draining and wearing and you deserve better.
You have choices

Would you consider counselling op? I understand why you’re unhappy this would drive me mad

Marriage counselling with someone who is abusive (and commenting/dictating what your OH wears absolutely is!) is not recommended.

But I do think you should have a conversation with him, maybe with a marriage counselor. He does sound like a misery guts who is oblivious to the damage he’s doing to himself and his family.

Please, please don't do this. Joint therapy of counselling with a coercive controller is dangerous. It is likely to disempower you further.

Yanbu. How long has this been going on? Did it start gradually? After kids came along? Not that it makes a difference. Just wondering how things got so bad.

As several others have pointed out, she needs to give him a warning and time to change.

I repeat, she has two kids 5 and 10 YO, which is NOT the same as your situation when you left your husband.
I came to this thread from another one where the mother was experiencing difficulties because her ex was stuffing around her and her kids lives due to handover times/location.

Yes I agree if the OP is under coercive control things will get worse not better.
But until she gives him clear opportunity to change she should probably hold fire. I and several others have suggested the same. She has 2 young kids and as we often read here, it's not fun juggling handover times/locations. That is all we are saying - give him clear warning and time to change.

Right, let's give the abusive man another chance. Because that's what he is. And abusers don't change.

She doesn't 'need' to give him anything. She can give him another chance if she wants to. But she owes him nothing, and growing up with a man who controls the other parent is damaging to the children.

Unless you have been in an abusive relationship (I have), you know nothing.

🙄I was in an abusive relationship but my situation was radically different from the OP's so I don't feel my situation necessarily maps on to hers, so I am not going to just say 'do what I did'. My situation was 40 years ago, in another jurisdiction, without kids. All those fine details need to be considered when giving advice.
😎Several of us have said different, not just me. At least 1 woman has said she and her OH almost separated but realised their mistake, worked on it and have stayed together happily.

He sounds like a nasty, controlling and miserable piece of work. Neither of you are happy.

And the children are picking up on it. Get out of the marriage. Divorce. And you'll all be a lot happier. Life is far, far too fucking short to live with someone who makes you walk on eggshells and who criticises you for even breathing.

Sorry for thr late reply

I have read through all of the responses and am overwhelmed with the support

I can so resonate with so many of the comments

To give an update. DH snapped out of whatever mood he was in on Sunday just before he had to go again. Blamed feeling ill. Despite the fact i've been running on empty and have a chest infection but i'm not allowed to moan about that as at least I get to stay home.

Yesterday was fine. But as I didn't answer some his message last night (after being at work all day, sorting the children out, and doing the usual housework) his messages started turning into sexts whixh he knows i'm not interested in so my replies were slower (I was also tired and not feeling well) so now he's got the hump and has barely spoken to me all day

I'm over it

Ducks, row, sort.

You're done.

Yeah. I know.

I have 3 days until he is home.

Going to ask for a late notice day off work and see if I can try to get some things sorted.

Well, it means there’s an issue that you both need to discuss. However, solving this stuff is generally going to take willingness of not sides to change and I don’t get the impression he’s the kind to have a long, hard look at himself. In fact, he seems thoroughly unhappy, so you might be doing yourselves both a favour.

No hes not the type to reflect on anything he has done, somehow this will always be all my fault

As mentioned before i'm currently not geeling well with a chest infection and youngest also has a cold - both of them have been labelled my fault. His exact words were i go away for a week and you both get ill, what did you do?

He’s absolutely vile. Get those plans drawn up and live the rest of your life in peace once you’re free.

He really is vile OP.
Make no mistake about that.