DH was away for a week

[Betteroffalone88]

And it was the easiest week i've had in a long time

We have been in a rocky place for a while. Constantly bickering, me being moaned at for just about everything I do. Nothing I do is ever right etc etc

Two children aged 10 and 5. Even they said it was a relief he was away

If I finished work at 5:02pm no moaning about how I was late and should log off dead on 5

No moaning about how I make a mess of the bathroom (I don't) but he can't seem to grasp i have longer hair than him so take longer

No being moaned at or told what I can or can't wear

No being moaned at for not paying him attebtion when trying to work but when i try and talk to him when hes on the phone I get told to be quiet

No moaning about how I walk or am occasionally clumsy (accidently knocked a show off the rack earlier, would have thought I'd hit him or something for the amount of moaning about that)

No moaning if I let the kids have a biscuits before dinner when i'm trying to juggle working and the hour between school pick uo and logging off

This means its over doesn't it

I knew someone who’s children we’re so relieved when their dad got a job working abroad, he was such a bully. His wife and one of the girls developed nervous stutters and twitches, absolutely awful. He was a control freak, she subsequently divorced him and is very happy, so are the girls.

What they all said.

But I do think you should have a conversation with him, maybe with a marriage counselor. He does sound like a misery guts who is oblivious to the damage he’s doing to himself and his family.

I would definitely get him to focus on some of the specifics (a) putting you in an impossible situation wanting dinner made, by you, and on the table at the same time you finish work. (b) sabotaging your career by insisting you log off at five on the dot.

He sounds very angry and destructive.

If your kids are telling you, you don’t need any other confirmation. Sounds like you were all so much happier.

I think you are being emotionally abused by him and your children too.

Start getting quietly organised.
He sounds just awful.
When life is better when someone isn't around, it definitely is over.
I would be very careful OP, he sounds potentially very nasty.
Get support from family and friends and get organised.
Get all paperwork together and find a good solicitor.
Don't waste time on counselling.
Squirrel money away if you can.

Like others, I think this all sounds extremely draining. Think about what it would be like to have him on your back 24/7 when he's retired and whether this is truly the person with whom you want to spend your last ten or twenty years. If the thought gives you nightmares, it's time you binned him and planned for the future properly. (It doesn't matter how old you are right now, years have a way of creeping up on you)

From your description I can’t see why you would stay together if finances allow you to separate.
I joke when my DH goes away for work that life is easier and it is to some extent because everything is more streamlined as I’m the only adult around so I know exactly what is is happening. However we miss him as a person/presence in the house!
It doesn’t sound like there is much to miss in your case, I think you would feel a lot happier apart and your children have obviously picked up on the amount of moaning and complaining he does too, if they have said it’s nicer when he’s away… He’ll ruin their childhoods if things don’t change, he sounds like a controlling fun sponge….

It’s a shame he came home for a couple of days seeing as all he does is moan.
You’ve had a glimpse of a life without him and it sounds as if you and the children much prefer it.

Were the DC excited to see him at school pick up? DH very rarely managed to do school pick up due to work and add the being away for a week DS would have been so excited to see him there (especially at the age of your youngest)

Yes this.

Not the same situation as yours but my husband started becoming a moaning, grumpy old man. Think Victor Meldrew. I used to ignore it, then I challenged his behaviour gently before I literally just came out and told him each and every time he did it, that he was destroying all my feelings for him by being so negative. I would support him if he needed to go to therapy but he had to stop the behaviour or I would leave. It was the constant erosion of the peace in the house that I couldn’t stand. Anyway he soon stopped all of that grumpiness in front of me and the children. But some of it was because he knew I was serious and would follow through on my threat.

Would he want 50/50 with the kids?

He sounds awful, have you had the conversation about how draining he is on everyone?

@Walkerzoo would the DC want 50:50?

Talk to him first. Give him a chance to understand how you are feeling and put things right. How he responds will allow you to make a well informed decision about your future.

If you don't do this you run the risk of wondering "what if" when time may have softened the memory of how bad it is.

He sounds dreadful. However, my DH spent pretty much a year working abroad and even though it was a happy relationship life was much easier because there was one less to look after. He is also the tidiest man on the planet.

The children and I looked forward to him coming home and that I suspect is the difference. I will say though that initially his first words through the door were often "God, this house is a mess". It wasn't but he was coming from a serviced apartment once a fortnight. He stopped it when remonded I had a full-time job and he had children who had shoes/coats/sports kit/instruments, all of which took up space.

It was a taste of being a single parent and it was easier, notably because he is a workaholic and I did the full domestic load. However, I did it whether he was there or not, with no financial constraints and a free rein over spending what was necessary.

You think so, do you? It may not be - but it may actually be beer and skittles. When mine left, the house immediately became a happy place. There was infinitely less mess (because he did fuck all house work despite both of us working full time). The kids were settled and happy because he wasn't constantly sniping at them. Yes, we had less money - but we cut our cloth and it was absolutely fine. Life became enjoyable again.

And once the kids are of an age, they can choose whether or not to see him. Mine were older teens and they didn't want contact - because of his behaviour.

Stop bickering.

Tell him to shut the fuck up with the whining and negging. Tell him he's unfair about how he arranges work.

Tell him to sort his shit out or you will make decisions accordingly.

I would sort out all your finances and look at your options for childcare first tho, so when you do lay the law down, it's practically an ultimatum. Don't get drawn into discussing it, he's just wearing you down. I do think it's abuse too.

If you feel the relief when he is gone then it is over and can be much happier on your own!

Contrary to popular belief, being a lone parent is a lot easier than having an asshole for a husband. You are not his support human, pull the trigger on it OP
Marriage is not an altar we sacrifice our lives at.

Just to point out about moaning……..

Pot kettle black !

Yes it might be but it also might not be.

I agree with the PP that the OP should stop and think clearly before rushing a decision. Disneyland is a great place to visit (I'm told) but I'm not sure I'd want to try and live there. With young kids there's all the juggling of kids moving between houses etc. and that's not always a bed of roses as many other posts discuss. Him being away for 1 week is NOT the same as a separation.

She moans to strangers ONCE.
He moans at her constantly 24/7 for years.

Yep, you are right. Exactly the same. 🙄

I think your answer lies in how comfortable you feel discussing this with him, how comfortable you would feel If you called him out on his moaning, and if he promised to change, could he? My ex once said to me "but I try so hard to be nice" WTAF! why would you say that to someone you profess to love.

As I said to the other person Yes it might be better away from him but it also might not be. I agree with the PP that the OP should stop and think clearly before rushing a decision. Disneyland is a great place to visit (I'm told) but I'm not sure I'd want to try and live there.
The kids are 10 and 5. With young kids there's all the juggling of kids moving between houses etc. and that's not always a bed of roses as many other posts discuss.
Him being away for 1 week is NOT the same as a separation.

Its great you are able to realise this is happening. Wish you the best of luck for the future!

It was a work trip away that finally pushed my mum into telling my dad she hadn't missed him and no longer wanted to be married to him. Best thing she ever did, for herself and for me and my brother!