DH was away for a week

[Betteroffalone88]

And it was the easiest week i've had in a long time

We have been in a rocky place for a while. Constantly bickering, me being moaned at for just about everything I do. Nothing I do is ever right etc etc

Two children aged 10 and 5. Even they said it was a relief he was away

If I finished work at 5:02pm no moaning about how I was late and should log off dead on 5

No moaning about how I make a mess of the bathroom (I don't) but he can't seem to grasp i have longer hair than him so take longer

No being moaned at or told what I can or can't wear

No being moaned at for not paying him attebtion when trying to work but when i try and talk to him when hes on the phone I get told to be quiet

No moaning about how I walk or am occasionally clumsy (accidently knocked a show off the rack earlier, would have thought I'd hit him or something for the amount of moaning about that)

No moaning if I let the kids have a biscuits before dinner when i'm trying to juggle working and the hour between school pick uo and logging off

This means its over doesn't it

Does he work? It sounds like he has way too much time on his hands to be watching and complaining about your every move.

If he doesn’t then a lot of this nastiness is probably stemming from insecurity. If he does then he’s just a regular nasty arsehole instead of a nasty insecure arsehole. I’d bin him either way.

He’s not a moaner; hes an abuser.

Utter wanker. You’ve got plenty of reasons there to leave him. Nothing worth saving by the sounds of it.

Urgh, get rid. He's abusive.

Abusers usually keep their victims in line by giving them a glimpse of the person they pretended to be at first as a hook to stay in the relationship.

This man clearly doesn't care about how you feel. You deserve better.

You need to either leave or start telling him to keep his opinions on things like what time you log off work and what you wear to himself.

If he wants dinner at 5 and he's home at 3, tell him to bloody well cook it himself.

He needs to shape up or ship out.

He can make his own dinner if he wants to eat at a particular time. If he wants you to cook then he waits until whatever time suits you to cook, and says thank you!

Have you at any point looked him in the eye and said "do you know I've had a nice few days and haven't missed you putting me down on a daily basis".

If you don't say anything this is where you'll be in 10 years time and if your DC didn't mind that he was away that speaks volumes.

He sounds awful OP.

Agree

It comes to something when the kids are saying it's better without him.
That would grind anyone down the constant moaning and complaining.
Time for a better life for you and the children.

He does work and he was away with work on a course. Back for the weekend then off again sunday night until Friday

This is another thing. He has to go away with work, I am just told the dates and have to plan everything around it. I have a work trip coming up soon (both work full time) and its only one night away. The sulking he has done over it about how I am inconveniencing him as he will have to go into work slightly later to drop the children off (which work let him do with no problem)

If you’re only seeing him 2 nights out if 14 and it’s still too much, he clearly needs to go.

how simple will splitting up be?

@Betteroffalone88

Get those ducks in a row! When does he next go away? Wait, you don't have to tell that. But if it's soon-ish use the time he's away wisely. Schedule a visit to a solicitor and get together as much info on family finances as you can. Scour the house for important documents and possible hidden finances (if you think that's a possibility). Find out what divorce may mean to you wrt possible settlement, child maintenance, and the issues surrounding the marital home (if you own/buying). It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' now, but knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed. And you want to be in the best position if separating becomes inevitable. Of course you don't have to wait til he's away, it's just that seeing solicitors, gathering docs etc is harder if you're having to tiptoe around them.

But right now, go stealth. Let him think all is rosy in the garden so bite your tongue no matter the provocation. The element of surprise and having a good exit plan are your friends, especially if you think he'll turn nasty.

He sounds like a grumpy, controlling twat. He tells you what you can and can't wear?! How dare he? I hope to god you don't take any notice.

Has he got life insurance?

I totally hear you OP. The constant personal nagging will wear you down. I had that for a long time too, even my name was used as an adjective for making mistakes I.e "You're BlackCatting that right up". He is much better now, but even now when he goes away I feel more relaxed. What's keeping you there? Are you worried about money or anything else?

Omg, this OP. FUCK THAT

It sounds as if you already know it's over OP and it's just about how long you can put up with it until you leave.

Why did you marry him? What qualities attracted you?

the week you had isn’t what you will have if you’re broken up, not just money, but having the kids, splitting the house, then the actuality of not having him there at all.

This ^ Think it over carefully because it won't be all beer and skittles.

Run like the wind! Imagine being stuck with him when the kids grow and move out - go now

You owe it to your children not to force them to live full time with this miserable shit of a man. Y

Oh jeez. I moan about dh's snoring then come and read a thread like this and realise how lucky I am! I'm sorry yours treats you so badly @Betteroffalone88. You and your children deserve better

There is lots of rhetoric in the press about single parenting being extremely hard.

Im a single parent and I far prefer it to parenting with my ex. It is hard work doing everything alone - but it sounds like you’re doing a lot alone anyway if he doesn’t cook or clean or look after the kids without a fight.

Financially, lots of people find it tricky, but it sounds like you have a good job. I actually have more fun money now than I did before. Partly because I earn well (and have pushed to do so because I’m a single parent) and partly because he isn’t spending it on shit. It sounds like you’d have more scope to look for promotion if he wasn’t trying to get you off your work at 5pm every night.

The thing which is more tricky for me is logistics. You mentioned going away for a night - overnight childcare is almost impossible to find - so single parenting will make you more reliant on asking other people to help with things like that.

It is a bit sad for my kids that we don’t all live in the same house, but there are definitely up sides to that in their eyes (double Xmas presents, 2 holidays a year etc). It definitely hasn’t ruined their lives or anything, and they are better for a consistent routine at my house. Plus I love my weekends when I can focus on them, and love my weekends to myself!

He’s returned and you are living in the shade….again!

Need some sunshine I think.