DH was away for a week

[Betteroffalone88]

And it was the easiest week i've had in a long time

We have been in a rocky place for a while. Constantly bickering, me being moaned at for just about everything I do. Nothing I do is ever right etc etc

Two children aged 10 and 5. Even they said it was a relief he was away

If I finished work at 5:02pm no moaning about how I was late and should log off dead on 5

No moaning about how I make a mess of the bathroom (I don't) but he can't seem to grasp i have longer hair than him so take longer

No being moaned at or told what I can or can't wear

No being moaned at for not paying him attebtion when trying to work but when i try and talk to him when hes on the phone I get told to be quiet

No moaning about how I walk or am occasionally clumsy (accidently knocked a show off the rack earlier, would have thought I'd hit him or something for the amount of moaning about that)

No moaning if I let the kids have a biscuits before dinner when i'm trying to juggle working and the hour between school pick uo and logging off

This means its over doesn't it

The fact your children acknowledged that it was a nicer atmosphere is a big flag that something needs to change.

Dump his controlling miserable arse.

what’s he’s doing is domestic abuse.

The constant picking and moaning sounds awful to live with.

You should listen to your children if they find his lack of presence a positive thing…

God he sounds insufferable. You could talk to him about it, calmly, not confrontational. If he's a good man, he might acknowledge he's been a pain or negative or expecting too much, and make an effort to improve things.

Or I'd also consider leaving like PPs have said. He sounds negative, unkind, and selfish, and it's very telling your kids noticed the difference without him.

@Betteroffalone88 if you hadn’t already this should have been your snapping point.
You have some patience .

op when are you leaving?
What would the plan be when you end things ?

Bin

Honey, if your young kids are telling you it was better with him away, there's all the answer you need. If you don't deal with this obviously unhappy marriage for yourself, do it for them. Don't let them have an unhappy childhood. They deserve better.... and so do you.

I left my DH. I had a DP afterwards for a number of years too. I left that one as well. One was lazy as Hell, the other was messy, negative and critical. I realised, like you, that I preferred my life when they were away. The house was calm and tidy. I wasn’t angry or frustrated, I wasn’t walking on eggshells….. everything ran perfectly well. Me and the DC had the run of the house with no one to make a mess, pick fights, find things to complain about. Nor did I have a sulky manchild to pick up after.

It’s been tough sometimes, of course, but I’m on good terms with both of them as I don’t allow resentment to get the better of me. No it won’t always be a bed of roses, but I can’t see what your DH brings to your life other than negativity. Make 2026 the year you get shot of people or behaviours that had no value to your life!

Also it must not be very nice or healthy for your DC to see their mum being treated like this. What they see now as normal behaviour will be the blueprint for their adult relationships. You know this isn’t a good blueprint for them. Although it’s hard you’d also be showing them what it is to have self respect and strength. 💪

I am 100% on team better off alone.

I feel beaten down and depressed just reading this...

A couple of decades ago we were constantly moaning and complaining about each other. We split up for a few weeks and then decided no more bickering.
It's been fine. Bath-plug clogged with hair, washing-up forgotten, panic that MOT wasn't booked, dog shit in garden not immediately cleared up? Now we are pragmatic and co-operate. But you both have to agree to this approach.

He sounds absolutely awful and abusive, get the ducks in a row and give him his marching orders. He can be a moany little dictator elsewhere. Theres no way that constant moaning isnt wearing you down, must be absolutely exhausting. Especially over your work pattern, texts, stupid inconsequential stuff. He IS emotionally abusing you.
My husband and I both go away for work a reasonable amount usually just a night or two, one night is enough, the kids and I are champing at the bit to see him again after one. My dds are 6 and 4 so similar ish ages. So this, in the trenches stuff is rubbish, you might be in the trenches but he is standing on you and pushing you down further.

So many threads like this and I wonder how many unhappy wives/partners have found the strength to leave and get that new life away from their abusers. Before anyone says it's not just women who are the victims I know it's not but percentages will show it mostly is.

OP does this awful excuse for a husband and father still expect you to have sex when he feels like it?

Good luck with the future @Betteroffalone88 we all think you deserve to be happy. It will be a tough road but worth it.

It means it's over. You are experiencing coercive control - the moaning is part of a pattern of abuse (is he also suddenly lovey out of the blue, as well?). Get ready to end it.

Life’s too short for that shite. Get him in the bin as soon as possible. Life your life freely and happier OP, you feel lighter in an instant.

😂

Id be petty, and write down each and every single moan he makes this weekend. Then send him the list on Monday morning

Your husband sounds controlling and utterly miserable to be around. Constant criticism, moaning, complaining, wanting everything his way and it needing to be perfect. I suspect your children spend their time walking on egg shells, wondering when they're going to get moaned at next. This type of behaviour, is likely to cause them to become anxious (if they aren't already), and lack self-esteem.

For your children's sake, I think you need to end your marriage. Your husband is an absolute bore and dreadful to be around. You have seen how life could be, when he's not there and are realising just how awful he really is.

You have time this week to see a solicitor and find out legally where you stand with a divorce

get on entitled2 and see what childcare, benefits would be paid to you as a solo parent

Then look to separate, if the children are noticing then its certainly not a nice atmosphere to live in

From OP's explanations this is coercive control. It won't get better and the 'good' days are part of the control, it keeps the victim unbalanced. OP needs to leave, even if there is less money and a smaller house.

Sounds like the only thing he brings to the house is tension. None of you need that.

Op

I dearly wish I could show you, somehow give you an advance peek behind the veil of being single and free.

People say lone parenting is hard - yes, if you're starting from an evenly shared load. But you're not, so you're not losing the parenting work of an equal.

Your self esteem will grow like a plant that's moved from the dark to the light. Honestly it's worth ending it for that reason alone- to focus on yourself, what is best for you, who you really are under this layer of grey sludge and misery and selfishness he's heaped upon you to stop you growing out of his horrible control.

I absolutely urge you to simplify it , even just look at your username on here. It's so true. You are better off without him, the kids definitely are, one day you will snap anyway when you realise the kids have been conditioned to make their needs and joys smaller, and for what? To accommodate some useless beige unaware dickhead like him.

Life is truly truly short as fuck. He doesn't deserve to stain another minute of your one life.

Have you called him out on the OP? Eg Have you told him to stop criticising what you wear as you like it and are comfortable and you wouldn’t do the same to him? Have you tried completely igniting him when he says negative things?

Or are you scared of his reaction?

Getting mad because you don’t reply straight away is incredibly controlling and abusive.