To think men should be more self aware when walking behind women?

[greengreyblue]

Was walking this evening with my dog after dark I became aware of someone walking fairly close behind me. I turned and saw a tall man with hood up ( yes it’s January) and it felt too close given there was nobody else around.
This has happened a few times to me and my DD who works in London says it’s a daily thing when commuting , to find some bloke far too close on a tube platform for example.
I was telling DH and he said he always tries to cross over if he’s behind a woman like that to alleviate any discomfort that might cause.
I only have daughters but do you think your menfolk are aware of how they can make women feel? As a mother of boys would you teach them about this? Obviously men are 50% of the population and mostly not predators but I always feel uncomfortable in these situations. AIBU?

That makes sense. Thanks!

My teenager walked home from his mates house in the pouring rain the other evening but approached our house from the opposite direction. When I asked why, he said he’d gone the long way round to avoid following a younger girl. He was soaked but I was pleased he’d thought to do it.

@IcebergRightAhead I see where you're coming from but I'm not sure I agree. I'm a bit over six foot tall and not exactly skinny. I know I can be physically intimidating. Plus, based on my passport photo at least, I don't just have resting-bitch-face, I have resting-chainsaw-murderer-face. This isn't helped by the fact that as I'm a bloke my choice of colours of clothing is really quite limited - try finding a waterproof men's winter coat in something other than black, navy blue or dark olive green - so I'm often wearing dark clothes.

There have been a few occasions in my long life where I've been wrapped up in my thoughts and suddenly become aware that I'm following a lone woman along a street at night. It's not my fault that, due to the actions of way too many shitty men, she is likely to be worried in this scenario. But it's not her fault either. If at all feasible then I'll cross the street as it makes no practical difference to me but it will hopefully make her feel better and that in turn will make me feel better. Yay, everyone wins.

Very occasionally there's a situation where although the goal remains the same - not accidentally scaring someone - the best way of achieving that goal isn't always obvious. Eg, the path along the field I was on this morning with the dog-walking woman. But I still feel that I am obliged to try because otherwise it veers uncomfortably close to "fuck everyone else, I'll do what I want" and that is not the kind of society I want to live in.

As a 74 Yr old man, I would always either cross the road or hang well back if that wasn't possible. To be frank, at my age hanging back tends to be the automatic option.

I agree with that @IcebergRightAhead

I don't think there's mixed messages with 'this girl can' and asking men to be considerate. The second facilitates the first.
The problems arise when men helping women to feel safer translates to men telling women to restrict their lives, rather than men voluntarily modifying their own behaviour. This is when we veer towards control under the guise of protection.
Telling a man to adopt some easy considerate practices (and it isn't hard to create distance between himself and her in the street, and where its ambiguous, all he needs to do is announce his intent to pass her) is surely better than telling a woman if she doesn't want to feel scared she should avoid the situation?

@IcebergRightAhead Your first two paragraphs show why all these considerations are important. That’s all I am asking and mainly in response to the considerate men on this thread asking what else they can do. You don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water. We can be strong women but in that moment on your own in the street it’s a fight or flight situation and as you said we’ve all been there. Why not do what we can to mitigate it?

I’m a bit confused. You passed him going in the opposite direction and he made you feel a bit weird so you turned around and started following him? He then stopped to get something out of his bag and you think this means what exactly? That he was carrying some sort of weapon ready to attack women who had decided to follow him? He was probably getting a snack out or his phone or AirPods or something…

In the kindest way, maybe you’re struggling with anxiety.

What did you want him to mitigate against though? You turned around and started following him?! You got anxious because he realised you’d done this (which maybe made him feel uncomfortable, who knows?!) and stopped to reach in his bag.

Wrong thread

Yeah sorry, I was writing the response on the other thread and the page refreshed automatically, somehow ended up on this one…

Surely the main issue here is that men should stop attacking and raping women.

So the man in the op did this?

No. The main issue (on this thread) is that men don’t have to be more self aware because someone else has issues. Be more we aware of your own surroundings if you’re that terrified there’s a sex maniac hiding round every corner. This topic is months old by the way..

As every woman well knows, girls & women spend their whole lives having their behaviour policed to try to be safe - don't be out alone at night, don't dress "provocatively", don't drink alcohol, always be aware, avoid quiet places, checking up on each other, getting taxis together etc etc etc etc ad infinitum - but hey, goddess forbid that males should ever have to act differently for one second to help women & girls feel safer, more comfortable in this misogynist world! Males must never be expected to do anything to help us, right?