AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

He sounds awful. I would not have him in my home either. Visit her if you want to see her. When he’s out.

she says because she's never left the kids with anyone apart from their dads.

i also think it's because we are totally different parents. If my child's sick I'll give her calpol and take her to a doctor. My daughter is also fully vaccinated. I think she says no because her daughter woood probably get respite with me, and possibly want to be with me more. That's a bit of an assumption there but if I had to guess at the reasons I'd think it's those. I worry about my little niece so much. I would adopt her tomorrow if I could.

Before giving such ill advice, fix your spelling. It’s ‘affects’ actually

Thank you for understanding.

I will not ever compromise my daughter's safety, happiness and right to a peaceful home. She looks after her toys. I won't have those trashed either.

I just wish I could scoop up my niece and bring her home. This is hugely jumping the gun but if SS deemed her not safe at my sisters house I'd take her in a heartbeat. I speak to her on FaceTime a few times a week so I keep an open line of communication with her.
unfortunately I've never really had a bonded relationship with my nephew. I only see them a couple of times a year haven't face. He has been an incredibly hard child to bond with. And I don't mean any offence by that.

There is no way someone who broke my belongings, frightened my children, trashed my house and urinated in my garden would be allowed anywhere near the threshold of my home again.
Please make that social services referral for the sake of that sweet little 5 year old girl.
She deserves better even if your sister has checked out of parenting.

Was that really necessary to pick on @youalrightreply? As far as I can see she didn't put any advice in that post. Just explained her experience. What if she's dyslexic?

come on.. we don't need to get nasty on this thread do we.

I am calling tomorrow morning

I'm sorry if you have answered this already but I have looked and can't see an answer.

Does she actually home educate them? You said she works hard home educating them in your OP, does that mean she isn't just leaving them to it?

I saw a programme on this, I think it was channel four about children that are abusive in the home. The therapist gave the mum some tips and they were really helpful.

I have 3 ND male kids - 1 autistic, 1 ADHD, 1 AuDHD.

I also work with autistic kids and have for many years.

Some autistic kids are very challenging, dysregulated, emotional, labile. Some struggle to understand the size of reaction needed to a perceived problem. Some find switching activity difficult, especially from a preferred to a non preferred one.

None take baubles off a tree and smash them when not in meltdown, on their way to play on an iPad. None aged 11 eats a roast dinner with their hands.

Unfortunately sometimes people think that being autistic means you are incapable of learning, you "can't help it", or they never lay down the law as they are fearful of resulting meltdowns. However good parenting isn't about preventing your child from ever experiencing distress or dysregulation. It's about helping them learn to cope better with those feelings, helping them through.

So I do judge, a bit, actually.

I think you are doing the right thing contacting social services- for both children, and your sister, but particularly for your niece. Is her Dad involved? Does he have any awareness of need to safeguard her?

I wasn't thinking of you, @BetUWanna .

I can see you care and you have experience in your home with your nephew and you want advice. I just get frustrated with people with zero experience of autistic children denouncing the parents as not doing well enough or having failings, hence causing the problem. They somehow think they know best. I just wish people would try to walk in another person's shoes a bit more often

He has been an incredibly hard child to bond with. And I don't mean any offence by that.

I don't think what you've said is offensive, it is the nature of autism to be a social, communication and developmental disability. This means that even through no fault of the individual relationships can't form, or don't last long because there is often a lack of emotional reciprocity. Things like the autistic person not being able to make small talk, show interests in things that aren't within their bubble of interests, ask inquisitive questions simply for the sake of getting to know someone and typically relying on relevant data like times things will happen, what things are for, how things work etc. Rigid thinking causing friction.

It is still quite sad though, even if nothing can be done about it, and I think any one who has experience of this will know the sort of anticipatory grief that you might never have a strong connection to somebody because of how autism presents in that person.

However autistic people can and do form some close relationships, usually with really specific trusted people. I don't think you're writing him off, you're just accepting that right now at this point in his developmental life you're not able to have a close relationship with him and that's OK.

Hi, she does home educate. My nephew is incredibly bright and is fantastic at maths and reads and writes well. I don't know all the ins and outs of home ed but I know that she does home educate and do some outdoor type forest school with them too as well get sent pictures.

Thank you, I'll take a look. Is it a recent programme?

This is insightful, thank you, especially with your extensive experience. Thank you.

I've never met my nieces dad either sadly. But from what I can gather he is more hands on than nephews father. During the summer holidays they tend to split the time 50/50, but nephews dad doesn't have this.

aside from the kids dads, they've never stayed anywhere without my sister. I think it could really help if she'd allow me to have my niece for a long weekend during the summer or Easter holidays. I'm going to approach her again and suggest this.

As a social worker, based on the further replies you gave with additional info, I echo what other posters have said and feel you should refer to social work.

Yes that's fair enough

Thank you I appreciate that and agree completely with your last comment.

Exactly this

Doesn't DS need to be convinced asap by all friends and family that she is absolutely ''doing the wrong thing'' re. her DC? Her son will soon be even taller, bigger and stronger and she is afraid of him now at 11 yrs, old? And you poor niece - what a dreadful life! Hopefully Social Services will act immediately and she sees how misguided she is - before it is to late!

Did that make you feel good saying that? Nasty.

I'm not trying to be contrary, I promise, and I'll admit I do judge a bit too although I'm not a perfect parent myself but

None take baubles off a tree and smash them when not in meltdown

My nephew is 13, and autistic and it's only really with the onset of puberty that some things have calmed down, and he's started to developmentally mature and catch up with his peers. For many years he did do stuff like this, to explore cause and effect, to exert some autonomy in chaotic environments, and because sometimes he just gets the urge to throw and he lacks impulse control, genuinely feels remorseful but can't help himself, he is awaiting an ADHD assessment which is a comorbidity of autism - we redirect him to things that he can throw if he feels the need to throw and needs the proprioceptive and vestibular feedback from throwing as he is sensory seeking. He is dysregulated but he isn't in meltdown mode when this happens.

None aged 11 eats a roast dinner with their hands

I'm late diagnosed autistic and even later diagnosed dyspraxic, but they are comorbidities. I mostly eat food with my hands, and I have to wear an apron because I am a messy eater despite my best efforts. Now I am 30 years old, I can use a knife and I can use a fork, not at the same time, and not terribly easily. This was a key part of my dyspraxia assessment that was neglected for 29 years of my life. I don't get food all over my face, but I probably did when I was a child. I dreaded the face wipe after every meal which was a stinky horrible dish cloth.

We also don't know very much about this little boy, and if he mainly eats finger foods at home, or food that requires being quite tactile like pizza or chicken nuggets, changing to a meal that requires quite a lot of dexterity to eat can itself be a bit of a challenge when you're expected to be adept at using cutlery and eating slowly, and in quite a clean and tolerable way.

I am judging though because this child should have been supervised by his parent, even if his behaviour was a-typical and could not be foreseen. I'm judging because his primary caregiver hasn't done the self education required to understand a change in environment can mean you need to be extra vigilant and attentive to your child's needs and they need to be prioritised in order to keep everybody and everything safe and healthy and happy.

It sounds as though your sister had a difficult childhood and may have resulting trauma/issues/attachment problems which may be affecting her ability to parent. She also has views on vaccines and the 'system' that are not going to make hers or children's lives any easier.

I agree with all the PP who say this is not 'normal' autistic behaviour. I do think 5 days of Christmas excitement and a house full of people may have been too much for him but I wouldn't have expected behaviour like that.
The baubles might have been some sensory seeking possibly but I'm not sure.

You are right to be calling Children's services. Ask for the duty social worker.