AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Look, I think this is going to start derailing OP's thread, so maybe we should leave it a bit.

Obviously I am so sorry your children and their siblings endured massive hardship. However that is not what I'm talking about when I mention sensibly managing some risks. You don't really believe all children with any 'risk' in the family should be removed do you?

No, but equally I believe that adopting the mantra "children are best off in their birth family" leads professionals to give parents chance after chance after chance, when actually things are never going to get better. I stick by my point that many children live in absolutely horrible conditions and it is only when there is a catastrophic incident that they are eventually removed.

I think that people would be astonished at how children are expected to live. Among adopters, nearly everyone says the children should have been removed earlier, but our experiense is that sws try so hard to keep families together at whatever cost to the children.

My girls' half sisters were returned to birth familyvon the basis that they were "old enough to open a tin" to feed themselves. They were 9 and 11.

Update on my little niece.
I spoke to her on FaceTime this morning and she's doing really well.

She is currently placed with them under an interim court placement. The reason I've said it's with his family instead of him, without being too outing he lives with his family and his mum lives on the same grounds of the home. I think this is good for my niece too so she has a grandparent there as well. They are having lots of family checks done currently.

I just want to make a point here that I know I've included a lot of details here, there has been a catalyst in this that I have missed out which happened recently which is probably what's confusing some posters (as well as my clueless terminology which I've probably got wrong too!)
Theres been an incident at my sisters home which (my guess is as good as another) has probably caused all of this to vamp up. My sister needs urgent help and she essentially has no choice but to get the help she and the children need, if she wants to be in the children's lives. I severely underestimated how bad things were in her home and I am carrying an immense level of guilt for this. She did a good job at concealing a lot of things but I feel some blame here too. But as I mentioned earlier some of the things my niece said to be over Christmas raised alarm bells with me and I was right not to ignore them. With the help of you all.

This is all a far cry from me posting about not having my nephew in my home. So much has happened and I'm only really processing everything now. Everything has happened so fast and I am still extremely worried about my sister, however she has made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me or my family moving forwards. I'll leave that up to her and see what pans out for the future.

I do desperately want an update on my nephew. I did ask my nieces dad if he knows anything and it was very limited, so I am now considering reaching out to his dad too. If anybody could help me on this as to whether this would be the right thing to do I'd massively appreciate it. Funnily enough I am a degree educated woman with what I'd class as a pretty good intellect, however I can see left from right at the moment and I'm very unsure on what's right for me and wrong.

Also apologies if I've got any of the terminology wrong, this is all new ground to me so I'm hoping this all makes sense.

Keep doing what your doing.

Your sister can either decide to carry on stewing or engage with what's happening and realise that you are an alternative content point with her daughter.

It is all about your niece at this point. She needs the continuity and consistency.

Your nephew needs specialist support. I would imagine that SS have already been in touch with his father. There's a limited amount you can do here and seeing him sounds like he merely gets distressed.

Think about what you can and can't do.

Your niece would probably love to play with her cousin. That's all it will be to her.

It gives you a chance to face to face with the Dads family too and work out ways you can support going forward. That's in your niece's interests.

Your sister has made a decision. That her decision. Respect it and let her come round in her own time. She may not do, but you can't reason with her anyway and she's made some very poor decisions which she as an adult has to live by.

Your decision to report remains the correct one.

Good luck

Thank you @RedToothBrushi appreciate it.
I know seeing my nephew is sadly off limits I just didn't know if there was a way for me to get an update on him, just to check how he is. I don't think social services will give me an update on him will they, if I called?

@BetUWanna SS usually want to know if wider family are willing to support in any way (practical, emotional etc) They may not give you an update on him, usually they would want permission of a parent before including you. However if you let them know you're happy to be contacted they may be able to at some point especially if they're trying to bolster the support around nephews dad, if he's open to that (would be the case for your sister but I assume that's not an option for now given how she's feeling, maybe in time)

No they won’t I’m afraid x you’ve done everything right and I love the lifeboat quote another poster shared. It and your thread has helped me too in a not dissimilar situation with a family member currently ongoing. So thank you.

It’s so hard not knowing what’s going on but all you can do is trust the social workers to do their jobs. The failures in social care hit the press but considering the sheer volume of work they deal with I personally feel they do an incredible job in terribly hard situations.

I would reach out to your nephew’s dad too.

Very glad to hear your little niece is doing well.

Go to the soft play and reach out to your nephew's dad.
Your instinct has served you very well so far.

Your DSis has shut you off, it's her decision. Sounds like she is going through her own shit. Just always be open to her reconnecting - keep contacting her every so often via whatever communication method you can so she knows you are there.

Honestly, your DSis sounds like she is gong through a crisis that she needs to go through and get help. It's up to her. You have said you are there, you can't do any more as you don't live close to her.

Thanks everyone, I'll have to do some investigating as I've had a brief look on social media for my nephews dad but I don't know what he looks like, he has quite a common name (think John smith) so I'll need to do some digging. Nieces dad was much easier to find!

Meet up plans are going ahead this weekend. It's a bit of a road trip for us so DD is excited to see her cousin. I cannot wait to give my niece the biggest hug.

I also just wanted to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. (Aside from the wind up merchants but thankfully there are only one or two.) You have all played an integral part in this, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I had no idea things would pan out this way, and thanks to all your help and advice (some harder to hear than others) we've collectively made good things happen and sourced help for 1, and I'm hoping 2, vulnerable children. And my sister of course, even though I don't think she can see it yet.

So a bit of a teary thank you from my little family to yours. I would have been lost without this thread.

Side note, all of you SEN parents or parents to disabled children, you're doing a fucking good job and I take my hat off to you.
This thread has been an invaluable wealth of knowledge so I wanted to say thank you.

I’d feel bad not to match the efforts I was making for the niece, so personally I would contact nephews dad too.

Not sure of the rules but maybe SS could pass your number on to nephews dad and leave it up to him?

They won't but they might tell your niece's dad.

If you search your nephew’s dad on social media by name but also add any other details you know about him (eg the town he lives in, where he grew up or went to school or university, what he does for a living, any relatives or friends of his you happen to know the names of) that might help. Facebook and Insta often have those details on a profile. If there is a group for parents of autistic children he might be on there. Worth trying on X and Threads too. Also a straightforward Google search might turn up something.

Honestly, you are the best aunty in the world! What you have done for your niece and your nephew may have literally saved their lives (especially hers), and has certainly set them on course to have a much safer happier childhood. I can't imagine how hard all this has been and how all over the place and traumatized you must feel. Keep doing what you are doing, because it's awesome!

I think you've got nothing to lose by asking SS - they might add you to the approved family contact list, even if they can't tell you much directly.
But given what they have done for your DNiece, I'm sure they are helping him too.

As for your sister, she has made a lot of poor choices and decisions in her life that have brought her, and her children, to this point. She is now living with the consequences of them.
But fortunately her children no longer have to, thanks to you and your intervention.

Work on those guilt feelings, because you shouldn't have any guilt. You made really the only decision that you could, given what you could see was happening with all three of them, but especially your niece.

Keep the communication lines open with your sister, she may get in touch at some point.
But for now, focus on your DD, and embrace any opportunities to spend time with your DNi, and whatever contact you can have with your DNe.

Good luck OP.

Wow. I'm so glad to read your latest update, and so relieved that your niece is now in a stable environment. I dread to think what was uncovered by the SS visit to have things happen so quickly, but you have done an amazing job in saving this little girl from that situation.

Hopefully SS will also be addressing your nephew's situation too. I think it's very unlikely that they will give you much if anything as regards what's happening with him, but I don't see any problem in asking for anything that they can tell you. Even if it's just a reassuring 'we're on it. You don't need to worry'. They can only say no.

@BetUWanna

What a wonderful update re niece.

As far as nephew's dad, although SS may not give you any info on him, you might ask if they'd pass on a message to nephew's dad that you would like to be in contact with him.

We had somewhat similar situations (family seeking family) in my former career and the policy was that we would accept a letter (unsealed) and 'if we knew where they were' we would forward that letter. We were not allowed to tell the requester if the letter was forwarded nor what the recipient said to us. So SS may say they'll pass the message and your contact details, but that will be the end of it. They won't tell you what, if anything, he said.

I can only imagine the relief that your niece is feeling to be out of that environment. It's great that things happened so quickly, and just shows how unsafe things had gotten in her home. It must be a huge relief for you too knowing that she's safe. And hopefully now SS are involved, your sister will become safe too.

Don't worry about your nephew OP, reading the rest of his thread I realise now he's just a bad egg. If he were my sister's son he'd be no nephew of mine.

Your niece is the main one I'm concerned about

But I'm so so glad to hear your niece is safe and away from her abusive brother, your sister has let her down massively and I hope she has a much brighter future.

Im glad you contacted SS, you are such a kind soul and you probably saved that little girl's life

Whether hes SEN or not (im actually doubtful he is), from the behaviour you described he sounds like hes becoming a nasty piece of work who will only get worse as he gets older, not better.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. It's horrible isn't it 😢

My sister has definitely made some bad choices for sure. And unfortunately for her it's all caught up with her now. I just wish I did something sooner :(

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I haven't personally gone through this. In my former career I dealt at times with family seeking family and contacting my former agency to see if we could locate the missing family member. We couldn't reveal whereabouts but we could take a letter to pass on if the person was located.

I was thinking that maybe, even if SS can't tell you nephew's dad's whereabouts that they could pass on a message/letter that you'd like to be in contact.