AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Don't worry about your nephew OP, reading the rest of his thread I realise now he's just a bad egg. If he were my sister's son he'd be no nephew of mine.

Whether hes SEN or not (im actually doubtful he is), from the behaviour you described he sounds like hes becoming a nasty piece of work who will only get worse as he gets older, not better.

That’s really very harsh. He’s only 11 @JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl. No idea why you’re doubting his diagnosis, he obviously has a lot of issues. I hope things improve for him too. Very glad things are looking better for his sister now thanks to OP.

Currently getting ready to leave for a little road trip now to see niece and family. I have a very excited daughter in tow and I can't wait to give her a squeeze! Have nice weekends everyone

@BetUWanna

Have a wonderful, wonderful time.

She refused OPs offer of a sofa bed to be put in the living room so that niece could have her own room.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/lifestyle/family-parenting/article-15570089/Daily-beatings-left-suicidal-attacker-nine-year-old-son.html

That's behind a pay wall.

Who the hell pays money to read even more Daily Mail?

Morning all,
what a lovely time we've had. My niece is doing really really well. It was so lovely meeting her dad and family it was very lowkey but we had a wonderful time. I can tell that my niece is really happy there, she seems so different but in a really nice way and I feel incredibly relieved. She has a lovely bond with her half sibling and they seem like a nice family. They have agreed to update me on things and have been kind enough to include me in things moving forward. We stayed the night and once the kids were in bed we spoke about a lot of things. There was an incident that occurred with my sister and the kids last week that happened which made my nieces family / the services want to remove her with immediate effect.
It also came to light that my nephew was googling some very concerning things on his iPad, some very dark and worrying things about harming others in very specific ways. I don't know how much access he has on the iPad and as far as I knew he just watched YouTube videos of skeletons but evidently not.
I am carrying a lot of guilt as I seemed to have missed so much. She concealed a lot, far more than I could have imagined. We spoke about eventually getting niece into school which she would like to do. There's going to be a lot of changes for her coming up and we all need to be wary of this and to go at a pace that's right for her. At the moment they have shared parental responsibility with the services and they are talking about registering her to a GP, and the social team approving medical care and vaccines.
I am angry at my sister, she has spun an awful lot of lies from small to big and I hope this is the wake up call she needed.
My Nieces family did also report to social services before I did, recently too which I think has helped the case.
There is also a birth certificate, and her dad isn't on it.

With regard to my nephew we don't know a lot at the moment but we do know my sister doesn't have any of the children in her care. That's all they know for now.
I take some comfort in the fact that my niece has a very striking resemblance to her dad too.

Thats it for now but I'll pop back if there are anymore updates. Thanks all!

Knowing that your niece's family also had concerns and reported to social services hopefully helps you feel less guilty about the situation and your role in it.

I know it must be difficult with regard to your nephew, but he clearly was becoming a danger to himself if he's got access to that inappropriate content. It's not in his interests if he ended up copying that behaviour. And the results don't bear thinking about.

As I said before, I hope you are able to continue to connect with your niece and things continue to improve for her from now on.

"I take some comfort in the fact that my niece has a very striking resemblance to her dad too." Whatever your sister has done must be very grave for you to immediately take "comfort" from this.

I think OP just means there can be no doubt who her niece’s father is.

There was talk of DNA tests upthread and imagine the fallout and the trauma for DN if it turned out that dad wasn’t really dad. But it seems he must be.

If you have read the OP's previous posts you will read that both children were a result of flings so I assume the resemblance means he is indeed the child's father considering he has asked for a DNA test quite a few times which has been declined by her mother.

What a wonderful update OP, I really am so pleased for everyone involved. This is the start of a new life for your niece.

Hi OP,
I'm glad that both your niece and nephew are safe. There is a long road ahead for both of them. I'm glad your niece's Dad is taking things slowly. Both children are going to need a lot of support (amd possible therapy) going forward.

It's important to keep in touch with your niece (and your nephew too).
Are there any plans for your niece to see her mother in a contact centre or such like?
You're a good aunt.

Ohhhhhhh! Thanks for clarifying

Well it’s a big clue that he’s her actual dad isn’t it? That is comforting, it would be very upsetting for all if it turned out he wasn’t..

You've spectacularly missed the point. My nephews dad isn't on the birth certificate and she has refused multiple DNA tests. It brings me some comfort that he is indeed her dad as him not being the father just results in more trauma for my niece that she doesn't need. It has nothing to do with my sisters appearance.

Oh that's lovely to hear that your niece is happy and settling in at her dad's.

Please get some help yourself to deal with your guilt, which is not warranted at all.

You said yourself that your sister has told a lot of lies, "big and small", she has "concealed a lot", and manipulated everyone involved with her and her kids.

Thank god intervention happened before your nephew could carry out any of the violent acts he's been researching.

You have done the best you could for all three of them.

Wishing all of you peace going forward 💐

I’m glad the meeting went well. You didn’t just do the right thing, but a good thing.

I would disengage from your sister, and from your nephew too tbh, from here on out. Unfortunately your nephew is dangerous, and has already demonstrated a propensity for violence towards members of his family.

Your relationship with your niece is independent of your relationships with your sister and nephew. You are not obliged to feel the same for all three, or to provide the same.

Re your sister. She may engage with help, but be prepared for her not to, and to actually worsen. If she’s conspiracy-minded she’s unlikely to see herself as anything other than a victim of persecution. If she considers her children to have been ‘corrupted’ by the outside world by way of schooling and vaccinations, she may write them off. She may look to replace them by getting pregnant again.

I’m saying this so if this does happen, then you won’t be blindsided. If she does go this route, then please know that it isn’t your responsibility or your fault. It was within your power to act and save your niece, it wasn’t and isn’t in your power to save your sister from herself.

Thank you, I think it's best for me to disengage for now at least. I've never had the opportunity to look at my relationship with my niece as separate until now too, that's a really good point.

Great update OP and looks like you and nieces family stepped in just in time. What a wonderful person you are. Your niece will be so grateful - even if she doesn’t understand it all right now.

I do hope your nephew gets the support he needs.

@BetUWanna

I'm so glad everything went so well and that your niece is thriving in her new environment. It sounds as if her dad & family are good people and will keep you in the loop.

So it sounds as if Nephew has been removed from Dsis, and from what you posted re iPad, it is none too soon! I know you won't say where he is (not asking!). I just hope he's been placed where he'll get the best possible care and intervention.

Please don't blame yourself for anything!!! Your Dsis has taken great care to hide things and obfuscate to keep her 'little world' just the way she wanted it. You could not have known what was truly going on behind the scenes. You saw only what she wanted you to see along with the moments that 'escaped her control'.

And yes, I think it's time to disengage from your sister. There is nothing you can do to help her. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, too.

@AcrossthePond55thank you. ❤️ you've been invaluable on this thread and a huge voice of reason

Just a quick update on things, my sister has made contact (not with me, I'm still blocked)
She does not have either children currently, my nephew is with his dad.
My nephew was searching some very harrowing things on his iPad and some of it was a sexual nature. Also things about 'how to be a girl.' My nephews dad cannot have full time custody due to his career. Does anybody know what will happen to my nephew if his dad doesn't want to have full custody of him, and if my sister isn't able to have the kids due to the services involved?
What happens now to him if he has nowhere to go full time with no one taking responsibility?
I won't be contacting my nephews dad for the time being as there's nothing I can offer my nephew currently.

If they can’t find a kinship placement or safely send him back home, he will go into foster care.