AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I think my sister has too, to be honest ☹️

Your niece is little, extremely vulnerable and scared.
Frankly she’s being abused.
She is being forced to share a bedroom with a boy who has violent behaviour who abuses her in front of her mother.
She has no school, no healthcare, no dentist, and must be living in constant fear.

Thank you for highlighting this, and I hope that the posters who think that OP is wrong to (at this moment in time) prioritise her niece will read that and finally 'get it'. However troubled the brother is, he is not at risk from his sister. But she is at risk from him.

Also thank you @LunaDeBallona for your full post, which put across how I feel but have been unable to articulate as perfectly as you have.

You can’t be a lifeboat for someone who keeps jumping out

@StartingFreshFor2026 you can be on cin and also have kinship assessments happening alongside. You’re confusing two separate processes. The kinship arrangements aren’t like PLO. And respectfully, “The vast majority of times, children should be kept with their parents, it's usually in their best interests.” Is not helpful. It can be this presumption that keeps neglected children static in a home full of risk. The children are being considered as being safer with family members right now. The professionals involved have more details than strangers on the internet.

I have said several times that literally no one on here has all the details.

I do agree that I don't know the full processes and also that clearly there is a lot going on, because it wouldn't be moving this fast or dramatically without there being significant issues. Some of the disabled children I have worked with or known in the community, do have huge problems brushing teeth (with cavities), child to parent violence or are unschooled / unvaccinated (although admittedly not all together) - they have had Social Care involvement but nothing like this tbh.

I actually still believe saying “the vast majority of times, children should be kept with their parents, it's usually in their best interests" is helpful. It's true and it's in the context of posters saying that they wish OP could just "adopt" niece (and only niece...), saying that the mostly absent fathers should automatically get "full custody" or that because there's been child to parent violence the autistic kid should immediately be put in a residential home/school. Some posters are treating these children like dogs that can be rehomed rather than children. It is true that most of the time it's in the best interests of children themselves to stay with their parents.

This is essentially why I feel so protective of my niece but couldn't quite articulate why.

I haven't spoken to my nieces father since yesterday but I think my nephew breaking my sisters nose might have something to do with why my niece is going to her father / fathers family. This also is not the only injury that has happened in their home either, it's just the only one I've included. My niece has been in the firing line of physical harm too sadly as well as her belongings and such. The physical harm has only been a real recent thing, if I knew this happened before Christmas I wouldn't have invited them into my home. I wonder if puberty and hormones have potentially aided my nephew to be this violent. They share a bedroom too which has been a real worry for me.

My sister is still not speaking to me, or anyone for that matter either.

Your little niece is sharing a bedroom with him?
Dreadful.
This is a huge safeguarding issue.
That poor little mite.
I can only imagine her stress levels.
She is shockingly vulnerable with no escape.
OP, you haven't acted one minute too soon.

She does share a room with him, they only have 2 bedrooms. She does often sleep with my sister though in her room but my nephew can be up a lot in the night so no one gets a good sleep.

I did offer to buy my sister a sofa bed for her lounge so my niece can have her room but it was declined.

@BetUWanna
So your sister takes money from you (you mentioned financial assistance) but refuses anything which could make her daughters life better- no trips to your house, no swimming lessons, no respite from her brother, no privacy, no room of her own……
This behaviour is strange at best, cruel and deranged frankly.
She has utterly prioritised her son over her little girl. She has behaved appallingly.
You didn’t phone social services a moment too soon.
I don’t like children being removed from their mothers but this is one case where it is vital. Your niece now has a shot at life - because the longer she stayed in that house the more she was at risk of physical injury and huge emotional/mental injury that would have damaged her for life.
Im so pleased her dad has stepped up and now you can try to build a relationship with him so you can have ‘access’ to your niece.
You both have a mutual goal -the safety and happiness of your niece.
I’m sure he will be wanting her to keep her relationship with you and I think you have many fun weekends and hopefully time in the school holidays to look forward to with her.
It might be wise to mention ( maybe to social services) that your niece could probably benefit from some counselling. God only knows what has gone on in that house of horrors.
You did an incredibly difficult thing - but you have saved this little girl from god only knows what. Hold you head up high.
Be proud of yourself -every sane woman on here is proud of you too.
I wish you and your child and niece many many happy times together in the coming years.

I thought OP’s sister refused the swimming lessons simply because as a single parent she couldn’t manage to bring her DD there without her DS and he couldn’t cope with the environment. I think that’s what OP said. It is not easy with an autistic child and siblings do often lose out. This is not unusual unfortunately. Obviously this particular situation is very bad indeed, but I think there are some things, like managing swimming lessons solo, that the mother really can’t help.

I have an autistic DC and NT DC too. There are things we just can’t do as a family.

This sounds like good news OP. The priority is to get that sweet little girl to safety asap.
Everyone else can be dealt with later.

Swimming is a vital life skill.
If the mum truly cared about her little girl she would have facilitated it somehow - even if niece had to go to auntys for a few weekends and have swimming lessons then.
But because her son wouldn’t like it the niece was told no.
She couldn’t even have flashing trainers or toys she wanted ffs!

All that little girl has heard is ‘No’ and is learning that her wants and desires come second every time to those of her male sibling.
Yes he’s autistic - but how much of a cost should his non autistic sibling have to pay for that?
She had no friends, no play dates/tea out, no school, no swimming, no dentist, no health care, no toys she wanted, no bedroom, no privacy, no decent sleep and unrelenting fear.
And the mother COULD have helped if she had sent her kids to school.
It was her choice that her daughter has had a miserable lonely life .

“It's true and it's in the context of posters saying that they wish OP could just "adopt" niece (and only niece...)“

Well yes, no shit. Why would OP want to adopt her nephew, or anyone want that for her?

It doesn’t matter if he is disabled and cannot help it, the violence he is inflicting on those around him is not any less damaging by virtue of that. He’s not any less dangerous. ‘Keeping the family together’ is not more important than keeping the rest of his family safe.

Op’s sister has refused any help offered, for herself and for her daughter (who is truly helpless here, having no choice in the matter). She is the architect of her own misery, and unfortunately she was prepared to condemn her own daughter alongside her.

Op, you’ve already gone above and beyond for your sister, and been used and abused for your efforts. You haven’t thrown a bomb in her life, what you did was direct search and rescue to the mine field. You don’t owe her anything going forward, mentally, emotionally, physically or financially.

I think dad should have taken her swimming tbh. I did suggest it to OP earlier.
A lot of the things you have listed have nothing to do with her sibling being autistic but some do.

I don’t support a lot of OP’s sister’s choices, but some posters don’t seem to realise that siblings are invariably affected by having a disabled brother or sister. Obviously this situation is much worse than the norm but I don’t think mum is to blame for every single thing.

Different perspective here. I adopted two neglected/abused children from the UK care system 25 years ago and have, in that period, met hundreds of other adoptive families. We are all in that extreme "it never happens" category - only it DOES exist. These are the children who were at terrible risk, and were eventually removed, but it needs people to report it.

Even then, neglect and even abuse are tolerated to a certain extent - it is usually when a catastrophic event occurs that services suddenly act at last.

So many adopters I know had their children removed from birth families as partbof a police operation, for example, or a serious injury requiring a trip to A& E.

Otherwise things just bumble along with social workers making visits, writing reports, filing them, on repeat.

There is a sizeable group of children for whom staying at home is not ok. The trouble for sws is identifying who they are and then acting.

Of course for some children staying at home is not ok. That may even be the case for these children, but sensibly managing risk and keeping must families together is really important. Even many adults who had social workers as children would say that.

Just to mention, I obviously don't know much about the dad yet as we've only been speaking a little while, but he has taken my niece swimming, for haircuts, to the dentist privately and more. As he should, this isn't him going above and beyond by any means, but when he has her he does do these things.

I have been invited to a soft play meet up with my DD and niece and family and I just don't know if it's the right thing to do yet. I'm incredibly grateful that they are eager to remain in contact and meet up. I think it's best for the dust to settle first though as PP have suggested.

My sister is aware that I've been in contact with nieces family. I never expected them to keep it a secret and would never ask them to either, particularly with children involved. She has confirmed the relationship is severed and wants nothing to do with me or the (my) family. I'll give her time and see how it pans out I guess.

I don't see why you shouldn't go to soft play with your DD, just because your niece and family are there. It seems like a meet-up for both your sakes rather than something meant to challenge your sister.

I have been invited to a soft play meet up with my DD and niece and family and I just don't know if it's the right thing to do yet.

I think it would absolutely be the right thing to do to reassure your niece that despite all the upheaval you're still there for her. Think about her in this, no-one else.

I think your priority should stay the abused neglected child, so you should go. Your niece obviously feels attached to you, please go see her.

Absolutely go, the poor girl will need a familiar face and it will let her know that you care. Stuff your sisters' feelings, she created this mess.

"Sensibly managing risk"? That means allowing abuse and/or neglect to flourish on the basis it's best for the family to stay together. But best for who?

My girls have older half sisters who are furious that they weren't removed earlier - they were too old to be adopted by this point and spent the rest of their childhoods in foster care.

But for years the risk was "managed" and this led to untold suffering. I won't say on here what happened but it was shocking and absolutely forseeable.

Thanks all, I didn't think of it that way for my niece.
I will go for the play date.

This is the reason why I kept the thread up. I still evidently need help steering in the right direction as I have no one I can speak about this to in real life.

Thanks all, I really appreciate it!

Thank you. I didn't think of it that way at all. I'll go to the soft play with DD. It will be lovely to see her anyway, I haven't seen her in real life since Christmas!

Please go to soft play with your niece. However difficult her home circumstances were, she has lost her mother and her brother through no fault of her own. She will need an aunt she trusts and can confide in, and for you to remain distant now may increase her sense of losing more of her family.

@BetUWanna

You've made the right decision. You are a sort of 'continuity' between your niece's 'then' and her 'now'. Someone who 'belongs' both places, as she does.

As far as your sister, she's made her choice (for now). All you can do is respect it and leave her be. If she engages with the agencies now involved, she'll be back. If she doesn't you've tried your hardest and will have to let go.