AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

I've contacted my nieces father only and I'm really glad I did. He would like full time custody of my niece and while I recognise this will be hell for my sister I support it if it keeps my niece safe. He is planning this via a court order. I purely contacted him to try and keep an open line of communication open for my niece in the hope I could still see her, which it's looking like I can. I'm not here to take sides nor make anyone feel like I am either. I would just like to continue my relationship with my niece as I am close with her.

it's been a good thing, a few things have been brought to light which do impact things heavily. I am risking my relationship with my sister by doing this I'm aware of that but our relationship is hanging by a thread as it is. I have no plans to contact my nephews father. It won't gain anything.

in a hypothetical world id love for my sister to put the kids, at least my niece, in school. Accept the help on offer and we can all get along nicely. Knowing my sister, she will never put the kids in school by her own choice and if she continues the way she goes she won't have a relationship with anybody sadly. A lot has come to light since speaking to my nieces father which factor into this too.

I agree to your point.

we've had a long discussion today, along with his mum too on the phone. It's incredibly hard for me to hear, but my sister has been incredibly dishonest about many many things. I am cautious that he will be wanting to paint himself out in a good light of course. I have seen screenshots of texts and emails from my sister to him. There were many things that she has lied about and he had no idea. It's concerning and reinforcing that I think my niece is better off with her dad sadly.

I feel like I don't know who she is, at all.

If there's actual proof, fair enough.

I'm glad that your nephew and niece will be able to receive the support they clearly need.

And has he said why he's only had every other weekend contact so far? And because your sister 'wouldn't let him' have more time doesn't wash. If he was bothered, he'd have gone to court. Going from bare minimum contact to having her full time is a lot, hopefully of that's what happens, he can step up.

Doesn’t he have half the summer holidays too?

Sorry if I've misunderstood but you were already in contact with the nephew's dad but not the niece's dad?
It does sound like the nephew's dad could be helpful too, if he got involved in the diagnosis end of things.
You could also potentially see if you could visit him at his dad's (and your niece ditto).

Honestly, it sounds like your sister set out to have two children but didn't want a partner. She lied to trick niece's dad into impregnating her - that's really so manipulative, and actually despicable. And she must have already known that her son had issues...
I would not be at all surprised if she hasn't ever told niece's dad how difficult/violent her son is. Or indeed his own dad.
She has refused any outside help, which has lead to her son becoming more and more disregulated, and more and more violent. Honestly, thank god you were there, and got help for all of them. DN has already broken his mum's nose - what might he do as he gets older, bigger and stronger?
💐💐💐

I think beyond calling social care, you're not doing the right thing and the way you talk about it all is icky. Appreciate that's just my opinion though.

OP mentioned at least one autism related course her sister has been on, so I’m not sure it’s true that she has refused all outside help. She actively sought to get her son assessed and diagnosed.

You can have no idea why her son has become more dysregulated. It seems to have escalated recently. It’s convenient to blame his mother.

OP’s nephew’s dad has said his son is not violent in his house, so it’s likely this has been a subject of discussion.

Things are bad enough without making things up!

I'm so sorry you've discovered all this. It must be so painful.

It sounds as if your sister pretty much 'deceived' him into the pregnancy. I think it speaks well of him in that he accepted his responsibilities and now wants custody and what's best for his daughter. It would have been so easy for him to just turn, walk away, and content himself with writing a check every month. Instead he's had regular contact EOW and it sounds as if he's asked for more and been shut down by your sister. Even now, he could have simply cooperated with SS but said he didn't want his DD to live with him.

Your relationship with your sister may recover, it may not. But again, you've done the right thing. If she never sees that, it's on her and not you.

That's pretty much what has happened (the first bit about being deceiving)

You're entitled to your opinion of course.
maintaining a relationship with my niece is very important to me and that was at risk if my nieces dad got or does get full custody of her.

That’s understandable, but why contact him at this point?

So she doesn't lose her relationship with the niece during the transition of custody, to start building a good relationship with the dad now rather than waiting, and to make sure she will remain a consistent presence in the child's life whatever happens. That makes total sense to me.

It’s plain as day if you read all OP’s posts

Yep, put it much better than I could that's for sure! ❤️

I think you need to accept that your DSIS has significant challenges and either poor MH or just poor judgement.

You can dislike her behaviour but still love her and support her emotionally.

We don't actually know what the boy's father knew about his son's violent behaviour at his mother's house before the involvement of SS. I'm sure it has been a topic of discussion since their involvement
.
We know that the mother has kept outsiders ie SS away for as long as she possibly could, and hasn't sought help or support for her son as she believes she knows what is best for him.

She does not agree with formal schooling/health care etc.

She hasn't allowed either child to be away from her at all, apart from contact with their birth parents. (eg allowing her daughter some respite from her brother's violent and disruptive behaviour).

She will not listen to any ideas re their treatment/education that do not support her beliefs.

She has put her own wants and needs above those of both her children, imo. So in that sense, yes, I think she could be said to be 'to blame' as she has actively sought to control their environment, who has access to them and when, and information about their living circumstances.
Having said that, I never once mentioned blame in my previous post. I do think that she (the mother) has been under an enormous amount of pressure/stress over an extended period of time. Given that, it would be surprising if she didn't have any MH issues. She also needs help and support.

For context, I am a qualified SEN support teacher, I worked in education for 21 years, mostly in secondary schools, and mostly with boys.
I have also studied psychology and child development.
So actually I do have an idea why his disregulation and violence might have increased
Drawing on my training and experience, I would suggest that the boy's behaviour is worsening because his needs are not being met, possibly exacerbated by starting puberty (with all the hormone-driven changes that come with that).

The OP has done her best for all concerned, to no avail, finally being driven to reporting her DSis to SS. And that is the best thing she could have done, for all of them.
I hope they all get the help they so desperately need.

It's incredibly hard to support someone who allows their kids teeth to rot / turn black because of lack of dental hygiene though. It's not just my nephew who has awful teeth, it's my niece too and she's by all accounts neurotypical.

it's one of the things I spoke to my nieces father about. He has actually taken my niece to a dentist and my niece has extensive damage and moderate gingivitis. It's one thing at the top of his list to sort out. And has been trying to in the background. Thankfully my niece only has one adult tooth so far so the damage is somewhat limited.

my sister told me she did take her to the dentist and everything was 'fine.' This was a while ago mind.

but back to the original point, I do love my sister but we have nothing in common anymore and it's hard to watch her live this lifestyle. Not only that but she judges me and my parenting hugely. Shuns that DD is in school, that she's vaccinated against everything. When I had DD my sister sent me essays and essays of rants about the vitamin k shot for example. The only reason I've stuck around is for the kids really which is a shame. She used to be such a cool street wise big sister that I looked up to. I miss that.

im just not here for it anymore. And I'm sick to the back teeth of her putting her kids through it too.

That is completely understandable. It’s very tough to accept how she has behaved and who she is.

Hopefully your niece will be much better cared for going forwards and your nephew will get appropriate support.

I realise I’m late to this thread but I had to chime in as a parent to a DD (11) with autism. My DD would never, EVER behave like this. I genuinely believe that many parents of DC with autism, seem to forget that they are ALSO capable of misbehaving and being naughty kids, independently of their autism and as a result of which, still need to be disciplined for said bad behaviour! Allowing them to run riot and do whatever they want, then blaming it all on “the autism” is a recipe for disaster, as demonstrated by your nephew.

YADNBU!

Please be highly skeptical of the fathers. It's so suspect that they're only now going to apply to court for custody. If I took my child to the dentist and they had rotten teeth and gum disease and they weren't being educated or vaccinated, I'd firstly ensure that they were treated and vaccinated on my time (people with parental responsibility can almost always do this). I'd also enroll them in a school (again, if you have PR you can do this, even if other parent keeps deregistering at least the school becomes aware). I would also immediately apply to the court for at least increased custody (I mean, I wouldn't even accept EOW in the first place unless it was court ordered). If none of this changed anything, I'd call social care myself. Wouldn't any normal, involved parent do this? Why is niece's father suddenly puffing his chest out and saying he's going to apply to court (and for full custody?) even though he apparently knew quite a lot of the issues beforehand? That's deadbeat dad behaviour.

Absolutely agree. Why didn't the dad/s notice what was going on sooner? Was it not obvious about the rotten teeth for example?

You have done the right thing OP. I agree with the above that neither father has been on top of things up until now. Rotten teeth is a sign of neglect but the father will be assessed by Cafcass hopefully if they want PR and child with them full time.

Your sister has a lot of challenges, because of ND or childhood trauma or both . She's not coping and she needs help. In my mind both children should be at school.

I hope things improve for all 3 of them.

With regards the current situation, sounds like you’re doing everything you possibly can and more, OP. Please don’t delete this thread, you need emotional support through this process as well, particularly as you can’t discuss it with anyone else in real life.