AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

TL;DR

Sorry but I couldn't get past the fact that you have a Christmas tree upstairs.

Going to have to say yes, you're being unreasonable - solely for the tree. No idea what the rest of your post is about.

That's true as well

You evidently haven't read all my posts then..

Put the vodka down, Nicky..

Well done for making such an extremely difficult decision to contact SS. Both children and your sister desperately need long term help - there will be no easy fix.
Yes, of course you were judgmental. You had to make judgments about the health and the safety of both the children, You had to make judgments about your sister's state of mind and her increasing isolation. The mass of strange beliefs in one of your later posts was very worrying as was your nephew being violent enough for your sister to have to go to A & E.
I do hope your niece can live happily with her father and that you are able to keep in close contact especially as she has been damaged too, and there is no quick fix
Best wishes

Is that all you have gleaned from the OP?

Go and look in a mirror and see the bloody idiot looking back at you

Thank you. I spoke to my nieces father last night briefly and exchanged a few messages. We are hoping to have a phone call this evening.

Feel free to clearly read through the entire post. I have other “takeaways” throughout.

I'm so glad that things are moving for your sister and her children.
Please do not favour your niece. It's all about having the niece for a long weekend. Talking to the niece's father. Please contact your nephew's father too, or his parents if he's not around. Your nephew needs you JUST AS MUCH as your niece. He's also frightened and has been let down by your sister.
I genuinely believe that showing equal concern for him would help your sister accept your assistance. Currently you aren't doing this.

The niece will possibly going off to live with her father - the nephew is staying at home. OP clearly needsc to establish a relationship with niece's father which is completely separate from what she does for/with the children.

I cannot offer the same to my nephew now though and I've explained this time and time again in this thread. I cannot offer to go and see my nephew. The last time a visitor came he broke my sisters nose. My nephew isn't at risk here of having bones broken, being violently attacked and everything else is he? My niece is a much smaller child and just as vulnerable as my nephew, in different ways.
I cannot physically help my nephew which is why the authorities have stepped in. What can I offer him? I asked my sister to have his email address twice so I can iMessage him about his strong interest. She gave that to me and I've messaged twice. I don't expect a response but I tried and it's there for him to respond so if he wants to. I FaceTimed my sister niece and nephew last week and got told 'I hate you' from him shouting on FaceTime because he didn't want my niece talking to me. Or anybody. I can only physically help my niece and I will not stop trying to help her just because I can't help my nephew. I made the call to social services for ALL of them because I want them ALL to have the help they need. What good will come out of me contacting my nephews father? There is no gain there. There was huge reason to for my niece.

for the majority of when both children have been alive I did almost favour my nephew. Not directly as I love them the same but he allowed me to spend time there, he did speak to me, I bought him things of his interest and paid for many many things for them to help my sister out. Slowly but surely those things have been stopped due to my nephew not 'coping' with them. The swimming lessons for instance.

my niece has missed out on enough and this isn't her fault. Or my nephews for that matter. But I will not stop fighting my nieces corner just because I can no longer fight my nephews. And I stand by that. If my niece does end up going to her dads, I will offer the swimming lessons again for her. Because I can and because I want to. And from the brief conversations I've had with her dad this will be welcomed and I'm happy about that. In an ideal world I'd have that with my nephew too but just now I can't, and that's just how it is. I hold out for the future.

Thank you, that's exactly it in a nutshell!

That is very understandable but the worrying bit is that OP says she’s stepping back from her sister now. That she has nothing to give her, emotionally and with her time.
I realise it’s an extremely difficult situation but her sister sounds like she needs support desperately. SS can only do so much.
I hope it works out for them all.

OP you've absolutely done the right thing for your nephew as well as your niece. And your posts are very clear about all the many, many ways you've tried to help him in the past. You have done the most you possibly can to safeguard his welfare.

This poster (and others) are simply projecting their experiences onto you and nothing that you do for your nephew will ever be enough to satisfy them, because their posts are about them and not you.

You did the right thing and are clearly an amazing, loving and dedicated aunt for both niece AND nephew, regardless of whether your nephew is able to accept the care and love you've shown.

Why do you think she has to do anything to help her sister? I don't know anyone who has that kind of relationship with a sibling. I mean, it's nice if she does get involved, but it's not obligatory.

There is only so much pushing away I can take. I have spoken to my nieces father, my sister has lied about a lot of things and it's been eye opening. I didn't want to get too emotionally involved with my nieces father, and I'm still hoping not to. But what's coming to light isn't what I expected of my sister and it's making me see her in a different light sadly. As well as her constantly pushing us away for not conforming to her ways of life.

it's a sad situation all around.

Thank you so incredibly much. You are completely right, nothing will ever be enough. Thank you so much ❤️

This sounds so hard and you sound like a very caring sister and auntie. My DIL works in a school for autistic children who can’t cope in mainstream school and from what I’ve learned from her, it sounds like perhaps your nephew could really benefit from such an environment. Involving social services is quite a nuclear option but perhaps that’s what your sister needs as a re-set, given how long she’s been trying to manage things alone. At 11 he’s on the cusp of puberty and things can change very quickly - your sister could be in an unsafe situation once he’s able to overpower her.

No it’s not obligatory obviously. Just feels like she’s lobbed a bomb in her sister’s direction (with good reason of course) and then run away. I’m just talking about staying in touch btw. She obviously can’t visit right now. It seems like she’s long been involved with her sister and her family by choice. It doesn’t seem a great time to be stepping back when her sister is in such turmoil. Maybe OP doesn’t have a choice, but it’s going to be desperately hard on her sister.

The amount of blame for the sister on here has upset me I suppose. My autistic DS was violent at times when he was younger, mostly towards himself but sometimes I got in the way. This happens more than some people on here seem to realise and it usually isn’t the parent’s fault. It’s autism’s fault. The environment can help a lot, but adjustments can only do so much.

Services are okay but they give you what they have available, which sometimes doesn’t match to what the child actually needs. The family is on their own mostly and the support of friends and family really makes a huge difference.

I genuinely hope that things improve for this family, all of them.

@BetUWanna

I don't understand why some posters don't seem to 'get' that you can't help your nephew because your sister won't let you. Every offer or suggestion you've made has been rebuffed. So the best thing you can do for him is exactly what you are doing, and that is leaving it to the experts. Maybe the day will come when you can do something concrete for Nephew and I know you will if that time ever comes. For now, you can rest knowing you've done the best for all 3 of them.

Just out of curiosity (and you don't need to answer), has there been any communication with Nephew's father that you know of? I remember you saying that he had him EOW but I think wasn't very 'involved' with decisions about his life/care possibly because DSis wouldn't allow it. I hope that SS has at least contacted him and given him the opportunity to get involved, even if he doesn't want custody.

You’ve done the right thing and obviously you will need to be in contact with dad as it’s likely he will become her full time parent.

As to your sister well you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. If she won’t accept help or change then there is a point people stop trying.

Thank you.

nephews father has nephew every other weekend. Occasionally he will have him more than this but my sister does massively resist the children, specifically my nephew, going anywhere for any longer unless she's there, and that's also with his dad. I don't know if there's good reason for this.
my nephews father states that my nephew behave like this at all when he is there to stay. He has never been violent there and he doesn't see what goes on at home. Perhaps if he had him more he may see how bad it is at home. I have also considered contacting nephews father but at that point I feel like I'm too involved in every aspect and there isn't too much for me to gain by doing so unfortunately. His father was very present with the autism diagnosis and tests, he isn't absent by any means but he could definitely do more. But whether that's my sister blocking it, or he isn't stepping up, I don't know sadly. She won't talk about it.

I think because my sister wasn't in a relationship with either parents of the kids it's made it hard to co-parent. From speaking to my nieces father my sister explicitly told him that she cannot have children (and didn't tell him that she already had a son) and she basically got pregnant from a one night stand. There's a whole can of worms here that I feel uncomfortable going down but it feels like I'm already going down by speaking to nieces dad. I just feel like I don't know my sister at all. It's hard.

Hope they all finally get the help they need, OP. You were absolutely right to report

'He has never been violent there and he doesn't see what goes on at home.' It is not uncommon at all for children who are violent to parents to only hurt their mothers. This is seen across all different types of families and all 'severities' (for want of a better word) of SEND.

I think it is a good thing the children are on a CiN. I don't see any benefit to you proactively contacting the fathers (who you don't know) to 'side' with them. Again, I'm concerned that's where your head is going to be honest (e.g. where you implied or said - can't remember - that your niece prefers you to her own mother). Taking 'sides' isn't what family safeguarding is about.

I wouldn't necessarily believe everything your nieces father is saying unless there is actual proof. I'd just keep that in mind that what he's saying might not all be true either because of course he is going to try and put himself to you in a positive light.

At the end of the day, he is your niece's father and I do think it is telling that you had to be the one to step up and call social services no matter what he says about your sister.