AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

You’ve surely heard the saying ‘If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism’.

Yes, of course children with autism are capable of misbehaving too, but meltdowns are more akin to panic attacks than to acting out. A child in meltdown is not misbehaving and that’s usually when people get hurt, very often the child themselves.

On this very site five to six years ago people WHO HAD HAD THEIR VACCINES and made sure their children had had theirs were being called anti vaxxers. The gaslighting and abuse was appalling How times change

Thank you. That's exactly why I haven't deleted it. I thought about it but there's so many posters offering good genuine advice and ideas so I'll keep it up.

I agree with the other posters that I can't take his word completely. I know that. He isn't on the birth certificate and my sister has declined a DNA test so (from what he told me) he doesn't have parental rights but has been going down the legal route for over a year.
He pays for my niece monthly via bank transfer.

Oooof. How could someone who vaccinates their kids be an anti vaxer? I haven't been on this site long enough to have seen those!

Do you know why he's not on the birth certificate? It's good that he's going down the legal route, she can't just say no to a DNA test and that's that.

It was around the time of the Covid vaccine. Some ppl were questioning it. And were called anti vaxxers despite having every other vaccine. They certainly wernt getting excuses made for them like your sister is by some on this thread despite having EVERY OTHER VACCINE.

A school friend of mines DM didnt vaccinate her child who was my best school friend in hgh school She ended up being off school for MONTHS with whooping cough.

apparently she didn't tell him when she was doing the certificate and she didn't inform him of my nieces birth for a couple of weeks after she was born. He wanted to
come to scans but my sister never told him when they'd be.

I don't know anything about the legal route at all and don't know if this makes a difference with him not stepping up or not taking her to get vaccines or dentists sorted. It's just what he and his mum have said on the phone.

oh right I see - my sister is an avid anti vaxer, none of the children have been jabbed against anything as far as I know. I know she didn't get the whooping cough or flu jab when she was pregnant.

When my DB tried to take his ex to court he was told he couldnt do anything without parental responsibility.

Has she actually put his name on the certificate or Father Unknown

The court can order DNA tests if required or she may agree he is the father and it would be ordered that he has PR.

He isn't on the birth certificate at all apparently

He would only be on the BC if he had attended the appointment or she showed them the marriage certificiate

Which can affect his rights. This is very detailed

https://www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/can-a-father-put-himself-on-the-birth-certificate/

He doesnt have PR unless he is on the certificate or unless a court has directed that he has in a later order

If he makes application to court thats one of the requests that can be considered by the judge.

Sometimes 'supporting' someone means calling out their behaviour, especially when that behaviour is detrimental to another person, be that a child or an adult. It certainly doesn't mean babying them, agreeing with them, or 'playing along'. You are offering the right 'support' in refusing to ignore her parenting choices and getting her and the DC help from SS.

I wonder if she hasn't even tried to brush the little girl's teeth as the boy might object
Seeing as he is so against teeth brushing himself.
The mother ⁵really is very disordered.
Well done OP for stepping up for these children.

How did you deem this to be the biggest problem?

He can apply to court to have parental rights. If there isn't a dispute about paternity it isn't too difficult a process (at least, as far as court processes go)
The court would go on what is reasonable; if she hasn't ever named other potential fathers and has accepted/encouraged him taking on parental role from the start it wouldn't necessarily need a DNA test. And if it did, he could get one done when the child is in his care.

I'm glad he's in a position to step up, and I just wanted to add to the other posters saying you've done a very difficult thing but the right thing for these children. It's a shame it had to get this far but that's your sister's fault, no one else's.

There's no marriage certificate, they weren't ever in a relationship.

he wanted to be on the certificate and she agreed. But she went ahead without telling him. (Apparently.)

What's the biggest problem sorry? I don't know what this is in reply to

I never for one second suggested that meltdowns are bad behaviour?! You’ve spectacularly missed my point!

If you're not married to the father, he has to come with you to register the birth or he won't be on the certificate. However he's be contributing and has a relationship with his daughter and presumably your sister is not denying that he is her father?

I think he needs to see a solicitor and talk to social services. I really hope your sister is letting them help her, because it worksucg better if you accept the help.

But this 11 year old seems to be increasingly dysregulated and having meltdowns.
Children don’t punch holes in the walls or break their mother’s nose because they’re being ‘naughty’.
He’s clearly lost complete control at that stage.

Is there a birth certificate at all would seem to be a fairly reasonable question at this point.

Good point