AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

You can only do what you can do. I really hope they all get help. I would contact the dad.

You have done the best thing possible for two very vulnerable children - never doubt you did the right thing. I think reaching out to niece's dad would be a good plan - if niece goes to live with him it would be in her interests to stay in touch with you, and you and her dad supporting each other would be a good basis for that

I would get in touch with the dad. I'd also support his application for custody of her. I know that might be hard on your sister but her emotional needs are not as important as her daughter's safety.

You did the right thing.
It sounds like your sister was never going to deviate from the isolated upbringing of her DC, which in turn made it dangerous for your niece.
You could see the reality of the situation, as could SS, as could your niece, as could her father.
I am sorry she got injured.
Hopefully, in time she'll reflect on the situation and realise her DD is safer with her father

So sorry OP, what a hard decision.

YOU 100% did the right thing.
How often do children say as afults, they wish just one person intervened in their shit show childhood?

You are that brave person.

My advice is to admit absolutely NOTHING to anyone about contacting SS.

Tell even one person and it could get out.
Keep silent.

However, if your sister tells you about your niece's father wanting her, you can reach out to him and support your niece by supporting him.

You can feel sympathy for your sister but there are two children being terribly neglected by their mother, and her feelings and emotions are not your responsibility nor priority.

Your interventions could be the saviour of those children.

Please be kind to yourself, this is a terrible burden and you are just a concerned layperson doing your best.

You have rightly handed this over to the authorities.
Step back and mind yourself now.
Wishing you well.

Thanks for the updates, OP.

Well done for reporting. You absolutely did the right thing. You advocated for the children when they needed it most. Your niece was getting the worst outcomes for her.

Please don’t feel guilty. You sister was not prioritising the best interests of her children, which is neglectful. The fact she is blocking your niece’s father from custody is a classic example of this. She is now getting the help she needs from SS.

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The sad reality OP is that sometimes parents get it badly wrong and can't do what is best for their children because of their own wants/needs/mindset. At least there is some light on the horizon for your niece, and I would totally get in touch with her father to add your support to him to have custody of her. Thank you for updating, this must be utterly horrific for you and your family

@BetUWanna

Thank you for the update. I'm glad the authorities are involved.

Listen, if this was my niece I would call her dad in a heartbeat. I'd offer any and all support and assistance I could up to and including making an official statement or testifying in a custody hearing. I'd do this even if it permanently damaged my relationship with my sister. DN is a child, she must be put first. And perhaps, just perhaps, the shock of losing custody might be the wake up call your sister needs.

I understand that you are dealing with issues of your own and this may limit your ability to help. But just do what you can
.

You are completely right. I will reach out to him.

This is a very sad update but also a very positive one too.

Your niece has been seen and her safety and needs recognised. Her Dad is also stepping up. This isn't a bad thing and it needs to be seen from her perspective. It's not about your sister ultimately. With this in mind I would get in touch with your niece's Dad but absolutely do not say you were the one who contacted social services. (Tbh he possibly will work it out in time). Your niece confided in you and trusts you. This means she probably needs you.

Your sister is going to be hostile to her ex especially if it goes legal. You are potentially going to be the one who she will need to be the calm one. But yes your niece is going to need you too and it would be good for him and his family to see you care and are concerned.

If your sister decides to cut you off and she doesn't engage with social services she will ultimately risk losing her son too. So it's down to her what she does next.

Ultimately it's not in your niece's interests to be with her brother right now and it's hard to see how that will be resolved. She needs to be safe and feel secure though.

Good luck. I hope it works out for your niece. I hope it also takes some pressure off your sister in time too. She's not coping.

And I hope you manage to find your way between all this and keep in touch with all.

Sorry to heard this. It all sounds very stressful.

I too think you continuing a relationship with your niece and the cousins is very important. Reach out to her Dad so he has your contact details and so the cousins can continue to be in touch.

And how’s that working out for her ?

You've done completely the right thing. I would suggest that if she accuses you of siding with her ex you explain that it's just so DN has some continuity as she will be missing you.

I know this is so hard OP but from an outsiders perspective that is a really positive update. The fact he's getting help means it was all worth it. I would definitely reach out to her dad and let him know that you're ready and willing to help. It would be beneficial to your niece too.

I very much hope your niece's father will win custody of his daughter and that he takes steps to keep your sister as little a part of her life as possible.

Your sister needs to be prosecuted for child neglect and endangerment. I think you should be completely open in your support of the daughter's father, and should ask to be part of the child's life going forward.

I'd forgotten about this thread until it popped up again today.

I just wanted to say how much I admire your courage and determination to do the best you can for your nephew and niece.
I've found it really hard to read what your niece's life is like, and I wanted to 'save' her, too. Having spent a career lifetime teaching children like your nephew, I'm only too aware of hard it can be for their siblings. But I've never heard a story as bad as your niece's. I really can't see anything positive in her life, and the killer is that she doesn't get to escape that life for some of the time, by going to school.

I really hope that her father gets custody. At this point her quality of life and her own healthy development is much more important than her mother's potential distress at no longer having custody. That young child's emotional and social development is being stunted and damaged every day. She needs school. She needs friends. She needs calm and security, to have choices, and to be seen.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks for updating us, your poor niece what kind of life is she having

Also might you need to contact the police if nephew is being violent? Maybe he might need to be investigated for attempted murder or gbh?
Reminded me of that story in the news a while ago of a 9-year-old girl being killed by her teenage brother

Im confused.
how is having no social media extreme?

I get you are worried about your sister but most of your posts are dreadfully judgemental towards her life choices, down to the fathers of her kids.

This is incredibly extreme- there were many agencies who should have not let it get to this stage and when people are not coping with both disabled and non disabled children that choice can be absolute torture- because what parent wants to choose- So that is when family sometimes have to step in and it seems family have.
It's a child in need plan because she's co operating with help. The family is entitled to the help because of the child's disability.
But in terms of responsibility? When we all know raising a disabled child takes a village. The village has no business disappearing. Why was this woman and her children allowed to become so isolated with those levels of challenge.
Hopefully there are changes to.legislation which cease leaving vulnerable children to be ' home schooled' with no contact with anyone and that way escalation is averted. There are big systems issues.
What on earth will.prosecuting achieve?

And that's your takeaway?

Any judgement was well placed.

Nothing to do with how many kinds by different dads. The OP was quite clear.

I think peoplecare entitled to be judgemental when it ends up like this tbh.

I have two adopted children, now adults. Luckily family members were also "judgemental" and kept reporting what was happening to social services.

One person's "judgemental" is another's safeguarding.

I don’t think you can have any idea of the reality of living with a disabled child. Dysregulation and subsequent violence and self-harm (at some point) are all too common in quite a high proportion of autistic children. This usually improves as they mature if they’re supporting appropriately.

Parents are not prosecuted for this.

Whatever you think about not vaccinating, it’s not mandatory and parents don’t get prosecuted for this either. Home-schooling is perfectly legal.

From what OP has said her sister and family clearly do need substantial support, and hopefully they will get it. OP’s sister must be in turmoil at the moment and I wish her and her children the very best.

I also think if you haven’t experienced the services available you can think them far more efficient than they sometimes are. It can be hit and miss and luck has a lot to do with it.

I hope very much this family gets all the support they need. Unfortunately there is no guarantee they will.