AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Surely the 11year old nephew should be a priority too even if you blame his mother?😕

I cannot go round there. He becomes violent when anybody comes in the house. My sister got quite badly hurt when SS came round. I am not risking myself, my niece or my sister to be injured while my nephew is dealing with things this way. It may not be forever and I hope it's not, but going round at the moment isn't an option.

@Sunshineandrainbows23youve been invaluable to this thread. Thank you so much and I with you and your family all the best ❤️

I can't get this thread out of my mind. Wishing you and your family the very best. I hope this little girl gets out of this dangerous and stressful situation. I can only imagine how it is stunting her emotional and physical health.

You are a good person with a kind heart. Never doubt that you are doing the right thing.

This expresses my sentiments as well.

All the best @BetUWanna

. My nephew doesn't wreck his own things and keeps his things tidied away

Hmm

Believe in what you see.
These are children with rights to health, education, parenting.
They cannot implement this themselves. Children are reliant on decisions od parents.
As adults we have to do things that are not always easy but this comes with been an adult.

Reflecting what we're the options:
Do nothing while knowing the issues.
Or do something.
Impossible situation with only one option available.

SS can support the whole family.
They can enforce action whereas you cannot.

You did the right thing.
You did not have a choice.

As someone who has some experience with these matters, you did the right thing OP.

I just wanted to say that I think you have done the right thing however hard it was to do. Hopefully this will be a catalyst to the three of them getting the support they need individually and as a family.

@BetUWanna

I know I'm just repeating everyone, but you have done the right thing.

Continue to say nothing to anyone about reporting and keep up wide eyed innocence and "I have no idea who reported" if it comes up.

I know I sound mean and I'm sorry your DS was injured but it's actually sort of a good thing. It showed SS the danger she and DN are in and that you weren't exaggerating.

I've sent you a PM.

Absolutely brilliant post @Sunshineandrainbows23. Agree with everything you say. Thanks for the link to the magazine from me too. I hadn’t come across it before.

You've absolutely done the right thing OP, think of it as safeguarding your niece because sadly she's almost the forgotten child in this situation. Reporting the situation has now brought the professionals into their lives, and hopefully it will result in some positive changes going forwards. You've done everything you can under the circumstances.

Echo a lot of this.
Your local authority will have a disabled children team. It might be worth getting their number to discuss a hypothetical with someone. You'd be better to speak To a manager. These teams deal with higher needs cases and also have generally more experience in identifying and handling adult need.
It sounds as if the LA approach could be crucial. But you can be alongside your sister in meetings etc in future if things settle a bit and that could help lot.
If you think it has gone off on an unhelpful tangent there are ways you can raise it. If they withdraw you can also go back.
You made a tough call, the current awkward situation will need to work through and it will hopefully move into something more positive as a result of your actions. All the very best
NB if you want to delete you can always screenshot the bits u need.

Hi everyone, it's been a very long and difficult couple of weeks but here's an update for anyone wanting one.
my sister and the children have a 'child in need' plan in place. She had more visits from a social worker, my nephew injured my sister to the point she needed A&E. This did not happen when the social worker was there, but social worker knows what happened.
from what my sister had said there is occupational therapy and children's mental health services involved now.

my nieces father now wants full custody of my niece due to what happened, he essentially wants my niece with him and his family and to put her in school full time. I quietly support this but recognise how much this is going to affect my sister. My niece has a good relationship with her dad and the family from what I know and she enjoys her time there. This was encouraged by the authorities as a temporary safeguarding plan.
The plan was declined by my sister sadly and my nieces dad is looking to pursue this legally which is adding more stress to my sister and I think she's on the verge of a break down. I have considered reaching out to him but I'm unsure if this is wise.

the whole thing is a mess and I'm sadly having to step back from my sister now as she is reluctant to hear any differing opinions on this. I didn't want it to get to this point but it sadly has. I want her to get the help the ALL desperately need but I don't think she will hear it sadly.

What a lot of pain, but you have done the right thing. No one was coping in that situation, not your sister, nephew or niece. There's still time for your niece to have a more stable upbringing and childhood with her dad, and its great to hear how passionate he is about getting custody. Yoyr nephew and sister will now get the help they need, working on reducing his distress, and protecting your sister from harm. Well done. This is hard, but you have changed those kids future for the best. Your sister may well struggle with all this, but she wasn't exactly coping before and it was only going to get worse and more harmful as your nephew grows older.

You were right to be concerned. If all was ok, SS would not have stepped in.

From what you wrote, my heart blead for your niece. Well done for advocating for her. I was worried for her.

Also, the poor boy. Terribly let down by the person who should have looked after him better. I hope he now gets the support he needs.

Your sister has brought this on herself. Both children let down.

I doubt she will ever see it. But that's not your problem.

You have done the right thing OP.

Keep in touch with your niece, even if she moves to the dads. You have a lovely bond.

Thank you. I share the exact same feelings.
im genuinely considering contacting my nieces dad. Just as a 'us as a family support your decision / please can I still FaceTime or keep in contact with niece' but I'm unsure if it's the right thing to do. Perhaps I need to wait until he has custody of her full time, if it happens of course. I don't know how much I'll know now stepping back from my sister. It's a horrible situation all round.

Why do you need to step back from her?
It’s such a difficult time.

Good to hear that SS have stepped in. It IS a horrible situation but steps have been taken to improve it, for both your niece and nephew. And whilst your sister might not see nor appreciate it right now, it’s in her best interests too. That’s scary that an 11yr/12? year old hurt her to the point she needed A&E. But it’s not all going unchecked anymore. Maybe you contacting your niece’s father will be helpful in him knowing that he’s not going to have to fight his ex’s family as well emotionally. Only you know best what to do but I think contacting him is not a bad move.

It’s good to know that SS have taken this seriously and stepped in so quickly. You very clearly did the right thing. She’s in the eye of the storm right now - having your parenting under a lens and being under the threat of your child being “taken away” must be incredibly painful - but hopefully further down the line she’ll understand that she needed help and was way out of her depth.

A 'child in need' situation is not a judgement. I hope they all get the help they need and you neice gets to go to school and live with her Dad.

Your sister has some very extreme views which could be due to autism, childhood trauma or something, but the children must be the priority.

You absolutely did the right thing, especially for the children, but also your sister - before she got seriously injured.
She won't agree yet that it was necessary, and maybe never will. That's sad, but you had no choice but to protect the children.

I think you should contact your niece's father, to say that if she does move to live with him full-time you would very much like to keep in touch.

I have been quite worried about this little girl and am glad to see there are changes afoot, difficult though that might be.

I think it is fair for you to contact DNs father. So he knows there is someone who will support him and DN as things progress. If DSIS finds out, you can just explain that you didn’t want to lose contact with DN.

I have my own personal issues that need dealing with, i can only offer what I can give and right now sadly I have nothing to give her, emotionally and with my time.